I just had the most perfect valentine's day you could ask for and yet all I feel is this numb pain that makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry on my fuzzy green rug.  I spent the day with the most amazing boyfriend a girl could hope for. He’s caring, funny, he says the right thing at the right time, he’s just as crazy about me as I am about him. 

And yet I can’t get rid of this feeling. This pit in my stomach. 

You know how when you lose a tooth there's this gap and whenever you feel it all you wanna do is fill it? That is how I feel right now. The ironic part is even though your tooth grows back it is never the same tooth, and it will never feel the exact same way it did before you lost it. You also know that it will never line up as perfectly as that last one did. 

We laid on the couch and watched movies. We ate candies and chocolate. We just sat there and talked for hours about anything and everything. He even picked me up from school in his bad ass white pickup and took me to get hot chocolate. Even though there was car trouble and Starbucks was closed. I had so much fun and made memories that I will never forget. I felt like a teenager, like we had the rest of our lives where we could do whatever we wanted, but at that moment all that mattered was us. 

When he wrapped me up in his strong arms to give me one of his warm, safe hugs as he was leaving. All I could do was freeze up.  I wanted to bury my face in his shoulder and cry. I took deep breaths and by forcing my eyes open I dried my own tears. If I gave into that hug I would have broken down. And I can not break down;

 I will not break down. Especially in front of people. It is a sign of weakness and vulnerability; And I am many things, but weak and vulnerable are not on that list.

The second I heard my beautiful original oak front door click shut I turned around so that he could not see me through the glass, buried my hands in my face and wept. Why is that? I just had the most perfect evening and yet all I could do was cry. It wasn't the fact that I had secretly hoped he would say those magic words ‘I love you’ or the fact that I am so terrified of getting too close and attached to him. Or that fact that I worry I am falling harder than he is(even though I know we are both falling for each other just as hard). 

It was the fact that I wanted to cry for somebody else. Somebody else who no matter how badly I wanted, would never be there. All I wanted was my big brother.  

When I heard my mom calling from her bedroom, I simply wiped my tears, splashed some water on my face, and put on my fake smile that could fool myself. As I sat down on a lavender couch that was custom made for our mastiff my mom asked “Did you guys have fun” and I responded with “yes we did, he’s amazing”. After our brief conversation was finished, I hurried along the long dark hallway back to my room and shut the door.  I took a deep breath and read the writing on my bathroom wall that says “Get it Together Ruffner”, and I did.