First come the emotions. Then comes the drowning. But it is not the emotions you are
drowning in; it is yourself. It is you that becomes a mighty, high tidal wave that reaches a
crescendo when you are too weak to fight for yourself against your own being. Emotions can
overwhelm you, but you are the monster in the deepest, darkest depths that wraps itself
around you and pulls you under. You are the reason for your defeat. You are your own killer.
People will tell you murder is killing a living, breathing human being – depriving them of a
life people don’t really know they would have thrown away in the first place. But what
nobody tells you is that a murderer's first victim is always themselves. Nobody tells you that
a lot of us are murderers – we just haven’t made it past our first kill because we haven’t
figured out how to hide the remains and pretend everything is alright. We don’t know how to
wash away the blood on our hands, how to stop it from showing to the right or wrong person.
How to stop it from spreading.
That’s the hardest part; stopping the spread. Making what’s left of yourself invulnerable,
immortal, emotionless. Stopping yourself from calling out for help. “Help me! I’ve killed
myself and I can’t hide it!” “Help me! I’ve lost myself!” “Help me! I can’t stop!”
“Help me! I’m just like you!”
But if we are running away from ourselves, why do we run towards people who are like
ourselves?