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Soggy Speech Parody
My friends, I had not intended to discuss this controversial subject at this particular time. However, I want you to know that I do not shun controversy. On the contrary, I will take a stand on any issue at any time, regardless of how fraught with controversy it might be. You have asked me how I feel about socks. All right, here is how I feel about socks.
If when you say "socks" you mean the constrictor snake, the poison viper, the selfish monster, that defiles feet, dethrones reason, destroys the heart, creates misery and suffering, yeah, literally takes the laughter from the mouths of little children; if you mean the evil cloth that topples the good man and woman from their walk of grace, gracious living in the bottomless drawer of confusion and despair and loss and unhappiness and desperateness, then certainly I am against it.
But if when you say "socks" you mean the cloth of life, the inventive blanket, the wool that is felt when good rest comes together, that puts a step in their feet and life on their face, and the warm heat of summer on their feet; if you mean winter socks; if you mean the energizing cloth that puts the step in the old gentleman's feet on a frosty, crispy morning; if you mean the stockings which encourages a woman to saunter with poise, and with satisfaction, and to forget, if only for a little while, life's great disasters, and heartbreaks, and falls; if you mean that piece of clothing, the item of which pours into our drawers untold millions of dreams, which are used to provide tender care for our little shivering children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitiful aged and infirm, to build chances and character and life, then certainly I am for it.
This is my stand. I will not retreat from it. I will not compromise.
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