My head pounded as if I hit it off a wall. My eyes were so swollen, I could barely see. The place I lay feels so comfortable, it’s almost like I am in a cloud away from all of life’s problems. The alarm flashed and rang. Five, ten, twenty minutes go by and here I am, still vaguely awake.

I move slowly towards the lights, preparing for the blindness I’d face. I stare at my feet while blinking and my eyes try to focus. Just another Wednesday, I tell myself. Just that.

I step over the growing piles of clothes on my floor. They all look gray and I still gravitate to the same jeans and hoodie I’m sure I wore just the other day. Left sock, right sock, left pant, right pant, and boom, hoodie time.

I drench my hair in dry shampoo and fry it from a curling wand. The mascara I rely on, the Victoria Secret perfume, my jewelry. They all give me a less homeless looking vibe. 

I drag myself downstairs, remembering I should actually eat something before I go. My car feels cold and quiet. The same text I sent to my friend, “u need a ride?” The streaks I usually forget to send cross my mind. The good morning text to my boyfriend. Ooh, I can’t forget the morning instagram scroll.

The first period bell rings. Still, I am only half awake. As the teacher talks, I drift off. Second period starts, then finishes. Third, fourth, then fifth. Finally, lunch time. I wonder what it is they’ll have today. As I open the container, I see the same chicken wrap I’ve had the past three days. It’s fine, I guess, tastes like chemicals and is as dry as a bone. My friends seem chatty today. We talk and talk, but I know I won’t recall the conversations at any point.

As lunch ends, I walk slowly to Spanish. I don’t mind the class, personally I think Spanish is fun. However, the people always tend to get on my nerves. The amount of headaches I’ve had by the end are alarming. My friends rely on me for answers. Their problems seem to grow and to them mine seems to shrink. Talking to them is more like listening. I feel as if I’m in a bubble, and have no one to turn to for my own struggles.

It seems like time moves in slow motion. I look at my watch almost every minute. Once Spanish finally ends, I go to chemistry. I believed I could procrastinate on the test we have to complete, but I make myself take it during the class period.

As class ends, I run out the doors, trying to make it out to my car in time, before the busses leave and more traffic stirs up. This might be the only time I have energy at all today. 

As I drop my friends off and head home, I remember I have to work in an hour. I rush through my homework and chores, get dressed, and head up the road. I wait until the very last minute possible to clock in. If I thought my sixth period was slow, I had a long night ahead of me. 

“Hi, what can I get started for you today?” “Alright, is this all for you today?” My voice turns to a fake employee cheer over the headset. The customer pulls to the window. “Hi, that’s gonna be $4.59. Would you like your receipt?” “Okay, here’s your cone, have a wonderful evening.”

The script repeats in my head through the night, ice cream drenches my arms, and angry customers make my day. The people always make the pounding headaches I develop over my five-hour shift even better.

8:40 three people come through. 

8:45 we clean. 

8:50 another person comes through. 

How is it possible for time to stand still? As nine o’clock comes around, we close up and the kitchen is a mess. Scrubbing walls, aggressively cleaning ice cream machines, and the best part, cleaning the blender which is covered in dairy products. I grab my tips and leave, booking it out of the parking lot. 

I get home around ten and go straight upstairs for bed. Showers never feel so good. As I lay to sleep, the 50 things I’ve put on hold surround my thoughts. Maybe I should start this, maybe I should finish that, maybe I should check in with them. I pull up something which has slipped my mind plenty of times before and give that a shot. No, it can wait, right? Oh yeah, my algebra! Wonder if Kate has it done. Let me give her a text. Ooh, my friend sent me something on Tik Tok. I wonder what that could be. Hey, a snap from my boyfriend. What could he be up to?

10:30. Dang it, algebra. I stare at it for a few minutes as if it will solve itself. Maybe a bit of music will help.

11:00. What’s that one thing I wanted to start? Something with reading, I thought? Writing an essay maybe? Hmm, well, I guess I could do that tomorrow. Wait, I'm seeing my boyfriend, never mind. What about Friday? Oh, shoot, I have plans with friends. Okay, I’ll do all the homework I need to finish on Sunday, no exceptions. 

Sundays always roll around, and I never follow through. I’m not a poor student, I get good grades; I turn my assignments in on time, but stress myself. The after school work and activities I choose always come back to me in the end. Wake up, school, work, procrastinate. Tomorrow will be no more productive than yesterday. And yesterday I told myself I’d do it tomorrow, but now I’m telling myself the same things. 

When will it get better, will the cycle ever stop? Change is good, I believe. Okay, so what if I change my eating habits, exercise, could these change my mental health state? Will I change with the motivation that life doesn’t get better? It doesn’t get easier; it doesn’t become less challenging. You finish one thing and out pops another. I tell myself the same things. I’ve kept the same routine, but it’s a never-ending cycle.