AMERICA—the land of high cholesterol and Denny’s. We Americans will tell you that this country’s claim to fame is a dollar-fifty hot dog, a Big Mac, and a couple of drunken gunshots. Hell, we beat those British twats and their fancy tea eons ago. The question is, are Americans still the undefeated champions of the world today? A report published by The Oxford University of Biomedicine warns that the “land of the free” needs to be more restrictive on food distribution regulations as open-ended and laid-back policies amplify eating disorders, prompt obesity, and starve hundreds of countries from getting proper access to food. I propose implementing the all-time American favorite: more government-imposed restrictions to combat such allegations and achieve our superiority over all other countries. Instilling food quotas into the lives of every single American with mandatory adherence would prove to be a great idea as it would cure eating disorders, solve obesity, and regulate food quantity to the point where Americans would be happy to donate the rest to China and other countries.
“It’s become common knowledge for years now that many loud and poorly dressed patriots suffer from anorexia, bulimia, obesity, and other mental eating handicaps,” said report author Dr. Oz, director of Penn State’s Nutritional Psychology Clinic. “But it’s truly unsettling how the government hasn’t taken action to keep Americans ahead of other foreigners. It appears that the more freedom America has with food distribution regulation, the more people are abusing the system and themselves. It’s an endless cycle of eating too much or too little without regard for the 2,000-2,500 daily calorie intake recommendation printed on every packaged food item.”
Of the quarter pounder of Americans classified as fat and severely obese, over half find that the motivation to fix their growing demand for processed red meats and saturated fat cookies has been sucked completely dry. Leafy vegetables and Granny Smith Apples just don’t carry the right amount of cholesterol and sodium to keep obese people on the edge of heart failure. This figure has gained numbers itself, growing by 20% since Michele Obama’s 2010 Hunger-Free Act. To help our fat friends forsake their food fantasies, a limited food quota of 1,000-1,500 calories will be implemented as a mandatory measure punishable by five hours on the treadmill or three hours of staring at untouchable buffet meals. Rather than stack up empty carbs like pancakes, the obese will be counting calories on a clock. The food quotas ensure the corpulent folk won’t have to face their fears of sweat during exercise or watch their favorite foods—while savoring slob drools from their mouth—slip like oil from their meaty grasps. This fasting or starvation will eventually cause obese bodies to start using all of their fat, blubbery airbags as energy, bringing pounds down and solving obesity. Now those starving children our parents kept talking about will finally have food to eat and will never bother our own eating habits again!
According to Oz, it’s also impossible for some people to get a couple of food scraps into their mouths and down their throats.
“Understanding the body’s chemical metabolism reveals that we need food to survive, so not eating because you don’t like who you see in the mirror isn’t gonna transform you into Ryan Reynolds or Kendall Jenner,” Oz said. “People will go out and find issues in the world to redirect blame toward their digestive systems and deprive them from the freedom of food. Eat. It’s not killing you, only the thousands of animals or so. All of your body dysmorphia will do no good if you treat food as a formidable foreigner, eating little to nothing because society wants you to look like a stick and have the brain of one, apparently. Not eating meat but taking it in every night isn’t a viable substitute, ladies. It’s just food.”
The report illustrates grotesque visuals of teens and young adults purging the contents of their stomachs, skipping meals to wear size XS clothes, and stamping on prime ribeye steaks in protest of animal abuse and food waste. A researcher from the Nutritional Psychology Clinic has utilized computational psychiatry to demonstrate that mandatory adherence to a 3,500-4,000 daily calorie intake will stuff sullen-cheeked people with just the right amount of food to let the body release hormones like dopamine and leptin that effectively eliminate thoughts leading to eating disorders. Not so cray-cray if you ask me.
Furthermore, health experts say there may be hope in addressing food disparities across the globe by repairing the “everything in moderation—including food” mindset in both hulking and hollow people.
“Food quotas are the answer to helping fix excess consumption and wasteful disposal of food,” says Doctor Farid Fata of Michigan’s most extensive Hematology-Oncology practice in the state. “By ensuring corpulent people do not consume over their fair share and anti-fooders refrain from vomiting their food into the sewers, we’ll have bountiful amounts of food to send to Nigeria, Guatemala, China, and wherever else people learn to beg the most.”
But Fata warned that desires and feelings can overcome regulations amidst those far too gone in their perceptions of food.
“Using AI-controlled neural chips planted in the brain's hypothalamus will benefit both the host and the ongoing food crisis. Sure, it will cost money to those who have eating disorders, but it will save them much more money in the long run by preventing the transgression of food quotas and wasteful food habits. There’s very little chance that these brain chips fall into exploitation besides government tracking of your calories, of course. Our collective responsibility is to manage our food consumption and contribute to a better future.”