7th August 2006

 I woke up today, as always I searched for her , but she wasn't there.

The morning continued with the familiar routine - preparing breakfast, attending school, returning home, completing homework, and making myself a simple pasta dinner. Then, I sat on my bed, waiting for her.

7th August 2007

A whole year has passed since I last wrote. I kind of used to this lonely lifestyle - waking up, making breakfast, going to school, coming back, doing homework, studying, making myself a meal, and finally, going to bed, still waiting.

I met a new friend at school named Fabianus. He's cool

7th August 2008

Fabianus and I became even closer friends. During this time,  We hang out together often, and he even comes over to my house sometimes.

But one day, Fabianus asked me a question that caught me off guard and made me confront my reality: "Markus, do you live alone here? I thought you live with your mom." I found myself unable to answer truthfully, and it struck me that it had been three years since I last saw her.

 I was preparing to leave for college and start a new life, I stumbled upon my diary, where I used to write every year on this very day.

Life had changed a lot, but one thing remained unchanged - my mother still hadn't returned. I sat at the edge of my bed and took out some pictures Looking at my graduation pictures, I realized I was alone. No one, not even my mom or dad, had come to congratulate me on my special day. My parents had divorced ten years ago, and since then, I've been living in this painful longing for my mother's love and affection.

But I decided to bury these emotions deep down, where they couldn't resurface. I needed to be strong and focused on pursuing my dreams. My heart turned into a stone, and I closed myself off from others to avoid any more hurt. I graduated from college and, together with Fabianus, became a detective. He got married and had a child, and I felt genuine happiness for him. However, when I examined myself, I saw a stranger. I had changed so much, and this self-imposed emotional fortress had turned me into someone I no longer recognized.

Now, at 32 years old, people see me as perfect - strong, physically fit, living in luxury, with a modern car.

But when I'm alone, the sounds in my head never cease. Insomnia, OCD, ADHD - labels don't matter to me; I've come to accept these conditions as part of who I am. It's my way of protecting myself from the pain that might otherwise seep in.

I've never been in a relationship, and the thought of opening my heart to someone terrifies me. I've built walls to keep everyone out, too scared to face the uncertainties of love. You might say, "One bad relationship doesn't define your entire life," but I can't bring myself to believe that.

after all of that I am still waiting.