Think Skinny Thoughts | Teen Ink

Think Skinny Thoughts

February 15, 2021
By Helenaschnee BRONZE, Lancaster, Pennsylvania
Helenaschnee BRONZE, Lancaster, Pennsylvania
3 articles 0 photos 0 comments

I am stuck, entrapped in my head. Listening and replaying the same things over and over again. The same stupid, pesty thoughts circle and follow me where ever I go. 

I can’t eat breakfast I’m eating with my friends tonight, go outside when you’re cold you burn more calories, I should tell my friends I’m going to the bathroom and then sneak away to do crunches, if I go to bed early I could skip dinner, why is my stomach fat I just lost a pound, how am I hungry I ate dinner yesterday? 

     What I would give to shoo those thoughts away, but it’s impossible to run from yourself. I feel like a bystander just listening to this chaos. Just listening to the different me’s yell back and forth at each other in my head. They try to make sense of my nonsense.

 She has to eat it's been too long. 

Yes, it's been long but the last time she ate it was a slice of pizza, we need to give her some time to burn that off. 

Ok, ok what if we go for a jog, then she could come home and eat, right? 

She can’t go for a jog she hasn’t eaten! 

How about she goes to sleep, you can’t be hungry when you’re unconscious.

 You’re right but sleep burns so little calories, we’ll fall behind and she’ll have to eat a small dinner. 

I say we have her eat a small dinner either way!

    I must admit, it's humorous to watch them go round and round, knowing they will never decide. Of course it's tiring, too. How does that one poem go? “Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,” how I wish I could not take either. For as I look down each path I see nothing desirable awaiting me. What path do you choose when you wish not to walk? I suppose I could argue that's the path I’m on, a stand still. Thinking and thinking of what to choose when I know neither path can make me purley content. Im not dumb I know I need to eat, however, I also need to like what I see in the mirror and from my experience those two things are not a package deal. When I look in the mirror I can see the last meal I ate glow all over my body like a nasty rash. My stomach sticks out an inch more and my jaw isn’t as defined. My collarbones are no longer visible and my arms are plumped. I stand there in disgust staring at a body I created, a body I am stuck in. 

    Universe I am stuck, entrapped in my head. Saying the same thing over and over again. “I just need some time to think. Time to figure out a plan.” I’ve been thinking for a while. I got nothing. Wanna give me a hint

The author's comments:

 I have been dieting since before I could ride a bike, and now, at 17, I see it for what it actually is, an eating disorder. 

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