Many people don’t know what happens when people are bullied. We know that it hurts, but we never really know what happens after school is over. We never really know what it feels like unless of course, it’s happened to you before. It’s extremely stressful and forces you to focus on negative aspects in your life. No matter what we think, nothing is ever as it seems.

Sadness is overwhelming. It comes on a storm cloud. The slowly growing speed of the wind tells you that its coming and you can’t stop it. You can’t stop your mind from remembering everything that’s ever happened. Everything went wrong today. It’s another bad day. Everything that I forgot to say stays with me in my head. I rewind the day and go back and change it into what I wish I could’ve done or said. There’s just too much time. Some nights it’s better to cry than to hold it all in. Just keep telling yourself everything will be okay and maybe it will be. Silently, the night takes over what I have to say. More than anything it’s the worry that keeps me awake night. Sometimes I’m lucky and the sky will be gray and normal rather than the dark sky of the night. The colors here are far from happiness.
Sadness is followed by anger. Boiling inside me, are the feelings that have returned. I have people blame, and for once it’s not my fault. How could I have any control over the things they blame me for? I can’t control what the weather will be like, just as I can’t control whether or not they have a good day or a bad one. I’m angry and bitter for the sleepless nights I suffered through. I want to make them apologize for everything that they’ve done. I want to hear them say two simple words, “I’m sorry”. It would make a difference to me. Maybe just for one night I could sleep instead of staring at the ceiling, but I know better than that. They will never apologize. In their minds, it’s me that’s wrong. Remorse has no effect on them. The shame should lie at the foot of their bed and keep them awake at night, but now, I’m the one who loses sleep.
At night, fear also likes to keep me from the realm of sleep. The future and thoughts of tomorrow run circles in my already worried mind. Everything that runs through my mind never seems to completely settle. Fear holds tight and swirls in my head. The past I can never change and the demons that seem impossible to escape. There is no time to fight it away. Fear is never really far away. When you’re alone, the monsters come out to play. The memory is all so real. Images flood into my mind of the worst possible endings. The worst calamities and dangers haunt me. I’m losing faith in everything there is to believe in and that’s the reason it stays. There is fear of losing everything with no one to call a friend. Now I have to wait and suffer through this. Slowly, fear passes through, sending chills down my spine.
Even through all of this joy finds its way through in the smiles of my friends. Every once in a while it seeps through. Joy is a tsunami of happiness. Confidence and all good feelings return. When they come around, I wish I could trap that feeling in a jar and open it when the dark skies are all I have. Maybe one day, bullying won’t exist. Gray skies might finally turn to the perfect sky blue.
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