My insecurities roofed, my flaws aired, and my heart sunk. Imagine having your father tell you your whole life that you are the most beautiful girl alive and building on that, for it to be completely shattered by a boy telling you that “you are not good enough.” Maho, this one is for you and me because I blame myself too. You are like a pimple, people get them and have to deal with them until they decide to leave, if a person gets tired of it, they pop it and stay with a scar.

My eyes run a certain liquid when thinking of you, no, not tears but something more heartfelt. We were on cloud ten because cloud nine was below us. I felt things I could never put into words; I felt the closest thing to heaven. You claimed to be in love, but love doesn’t compare. For you, I was never her. I had to turn my head a little more or burn my hair a little longer to grow into her image. Your longing for her lived in me, I was something new though, something she wasn’t. We lived it out, and you struck me with “suggestions” or “friendly reminders” as you called them, that I should hit the gym or start getting ready more often.

You didn’t break me, no, you shattered me. We were young and in “love” we hurt each other because we ourselves were struggling with deeper issues. You took me high to bring me down. We would argue about how you didn’t like when I called you “pal” or how I didn’t like how you would follow pretty girls on social media to avoid the bigger question of how realistic we were with our standards and goals. We were both a fire with no signs of water.

I had never felt lower than when I found the strength from God knows where to tell you that I could no longer continue. It felt like putting you in a box that I could always see and open, but I knew I would have to find the strong will not to. I told myself that it was for the best and a month from now, I would be fine; my mom did always tell me I was a bad liar. Yes, you were my first heartbreak. No, I don’t regret it. You taught me to love me, through your comparisons, I learned you like me because I might not have had her looks, but she didn’t have my heart. I learned to appreciate my hazel eyes, my small ears or how my cheeks fold almost from ear to ear when even the slightest joke is told. Maho, I do regret having to live through that season of my life, but if it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t know love.