“My apartment is just up here on the left,” I tell Rowan as he follows me down the hall. His steps are silent against the carpeted hallways, making me shiver with anxiety.   

“Ok. Oh wait-” He turns and looks through one of the windows in the hallway. “Mine is just in the building next door!” he informs me while chuckling. 

I laugh along, trying not to think about the hours I spent tracking down that information. As we reach my apartment I get my keys from my bag and move to unlock the door before realizing something, “Shoot, did I tell you about my roommate?” I ask him.

He looks at me with a confused face before answering, “Uh, no I don't think so.”

I stop unlocking the door and turn to face him. “Oh my god. I am so sorry. Ok, rundown: Her name is Cassandra or more preferably Cassie, she is super nice and will ask you a lot of questions but that’s normal for her, so I’m sorry in advance about that.”

“Cassie is nice but will ask questions. Ok, good to know.” He repeats before smiling.

I unlock the door and walk in with Rowan following me before calling out for Cassie.

  “Cassie! Come out of the kitchen and come meet Rowan.”

“Ok! I’ll be right out!” Cassie yells back.

“Alright, so the bathroom is down the hall to the right, and the kitchen is forward and to the left.”

“Sweet thanks,” he says with an annoyingly handsome smile that is not helping my situation. 

It’s taken me years to find him and learn everything about him, then months to get him to come over just for dinner. Waiting this long,  my patience is running thin. Honestly? I want to kill him tonight just to get it over with. 

“Hey guys,” Cassie says as she walks up to us. She looks up at Rowan and then back at me. After ten years of friendship, her gaze says something along the lines of, this boy killed your family? Really?

“Hi, Rowan it's nice to meet you,” Cassie says as she reaches her hand out.

“Nice to meet you too, Cassie. Good to put a face to the name,” he responds while shaking her hand. 

“I’m going to grab something from my bedroom real quick. Keep talking I’ll be back in a second,” I tell the two of them before turning to leave.

Right before I turn to leave, Cassie looks at me with her brows furrowed. I smirk as I watch Cassie's eyes widen ever so slightly. Hopefully, she has figured it out… 

“Cassie, what did you make? It smells amazing,” I hear Rowan ask her as I make my way to my bedroom. I don’t catch what Cassie said as I round my bed, reach under it, and grab the knife I have hidden in the bed slats. 

“Ella?” Cassie says my name as she walks into my room. “What’s going on-” Her question drops as she notices the knife gripped in my right hand. “Hang on. Wait, I thought that wasn't happening for another few weeks?” She looks at me, her eyes wide and searching mine for an answer before traveling down to the knife in my hand. She’s right though, we weren't supposed to kill him for another few weeks maybe months. 

“I got tired of waiting Cassie. You know that I have waited eight years just to find him and get to him, plus another six months for me to get all the information on him. I want to get this done so I can have a peaceful life. So, we can have a peaceful life.” 

“I know and trust me I want him dead too but I was not prepared for it to happen tonight.” Cassie gives me a small frown with her eyebrows furrowed. 

“Hey, Ella? Is this your family on the wall?” Rowan asks from the hallway. My eyes widen with Cassie’s as we look at the hallway and then back at each other. I loosen my grip on the knife I have in my hand and let it drop to the floor with a light thunk against the carpet, before kicking it under the bed.

Cassie looks at me with a worried face as I approach the door. 

Walking up next to Rowan, I look up at the photo he’s looking at. My father stands next to my mother, smiling while she smothers her laugh. My older brother and I stand in front of them, his arms wrapped around me while he struggles not to laugh and I struggle to stand from laughing so hard. “Yeah, that’s my family,” I say with a smile, remembering the day we took that photo. “We went to Walgreens for these photos. They were going to go on that year's Christmas photos but never made it.” My voice turns wistful. 

“Oh? How come?” He looks at me with a small soft frown. He has this shimmer of shock in his eyes, maybe even realization. It almost seems like he knows who I am. 

Because you killed them, idiot, I want to say. But I don't. Instead, I lie. “They died in a car crash shortly after we took these photos.” I glance up at him, hoping to catch a glimpse of his reaction.

“Oh, I’m sorry for your loss,” he says solemnly. His face not changing at all.

“Yeah, they died about eight years ago so I’ve had time to process everything, you know?”

“Kind of. My grandma died not too long ago so I feel you,” he says as he frowns. 

Cassie walks out of my room and stops next to me. “Hey, dinner is on the stove right now. We're having lemon chicken with pasta and broccoli,” she tells us before walking back to the kitchen. 

  I look up at Rowan to ask him if he is good with that dinner, but he is already looking at me, his eyes are slightly squinted as if trying to figure something out. It almost looks like there is sorrow in his eyes, but then he blinks and it's gone.

“Cassie, that sounds amazing thank you for cooking it,” Rowan tells Cassie as she walks away while still looking at me. 

Rowan and I make our way toward the living room while Cassie finishes up with dinner. As he is taking his sweater off I catch a glimpse of a scar on his stomach. It's about three inches long and looks like he was stabbed with a knife or something similar. I’m tempted to ask him about it but I keep my mouth shut. 

He hangs his sweater on the coat rack by the door before returning to the couch where I’m sitting.

“Rowan?” I ask as he sits down next to me.

“Yes?” He looks at me with a concerned face.

“Can you tell me about your family?” 

He thinks about it for a moment before answering, “Umm, sure what do you want to know?”

“Anything. Siblings? Parents? I’m curious.” 

“Okay, well I have a younger sister, her name is Kelsie. She is 18 and is the light of my life. I love her with all my heart. Then my mother is a middle and high school teacher. She teaches Italian to 8th and 9th grade, and from what I gather many grow up and use the language still. Lastly, my father works at a law firm in New York.” He finishes with a sigh. 

“Oh, your mom is Italian?” Even though I already know the answer, I am still curious. I hadn't realized that she taught Italian, I knew that she was a teacher and I knew that Rowan’s grandmother was Italian but I hadn't realized that his mom knew enough to teach it.

“Yeah, she is Italian but it’s only on my mom's side not my dad’s,” he tells me with a shrug.

“That's funny, my dad was Italian but not my mom. He would come up with all sorts of nicknames for all three of us.” I smile remembering the silly nicknames he gave us. 

“That's sweet. My mom called my sister Bella Piccola all the time but as my sister grew up she made mom stop.” 

I stare off into the distance remembering that night. Bullets hit my mom between the eyes and my brother in the neck and chest. Then the knife flew through the air towards my dad and struck him right over his heart. I watched my dad take his last breath as he stared at me through the crack in the closet doors mouthing I’ll miss you, Bella Piccola. 

“Hey, Ella? Are you ok?” I can barely hear Rowans question over the rigging in my ears. Anger floods my vision as I physically have to stop myself from killing him on my couch.

“Cassie? Something wrong with Ella…” 

“What’s going on? Hey, Ella. Are you ok?” Cassie asks.

I manage to shake my head before Cassie grabs my arm and drags me to my room. She shoves me onto my bed and stands in front of me waiting for an explanation.

“He has to die. Tonight. He needs to die,” I whisper while looking down at the ground.

“Ella, what is going on?” Cassie asks, her voice full of concern. 

“I don't even know. He said something and then it was like everything went back in time and I watched my dad die all over again. I can’t keep living like this, he needs to die.” As I confess, tears fill my eyes. 

“Okay, so what’s the plan? Are we just going to ambush him? Because if so we have a slight disadvantage. He is like six feet tall and you're barely five feet.”

“Thanks for pointing out the obvious, Cassie. I think we just go for it, I'll get my knife and you get yours and we just hope for the best. You left him on the couch, right? Maybe we can sneak out and just stab him while he’s sitting there…” I start to say with a smirk

“Yeah, I did, but he did seem pretty worried about you so you're going to have to be super quiet while coming out of your room.” 

We stand in silence brainstorming for ideas but shutting them down because they are just not logical. About five minutes later, we have a plan, but as we are walking towards the door we hear something on the other side of it. We inch towards the door and as we open it to peek out. Rowan is looking at us in shock. 

“Oh, hey Rowan. We were just on our way back out. Sorry about what just happened. I just needed a minute.” I smile hoping he didn’t hear any of what Cassie and I talked about. 

It’s too late though. He heard everything. “Ella, I’m sorry, but you can't kill me.” He says it wiht such a straight face, no emotion in sight. 

“You killed my family. It’s only fair I kill you.” I give him a bored look, yet am seething beneath the surface. Cassie makes her way to my side and hands me the knife.

“Ella, I swear I did not want to kill your family. My dad made me. He is a notorious crime leader in New York. The law firm is just a cover job. He wants me to take over his spot when I'm old enough. According to him, he said that starting young is the best way to enter someone into that lifestyle.”

I sniff, “I know that already. The point being that you should have chosen a different family. Why me?” Tears begging to be free.

“It wasn't my fault! When I tell you that he forced the gun into my hand, and then the knives, I mean it. He had to drag me out of the house that day because I knew what was about to happen and I didn’t want it to.” He’s slowly breaking down, almost like it's the first time he has said these words aloud.

“Rowan, I watched the bullets go through my mom then my brother, and to top it off the knives that hit my dad. I watched their bodies hit the floor, and my dad took his last breath as he mouthed I’ll miss you, Bella Piccola. I will never be the same Rowan. Never.”

“I know that Ella and trust me I’m so sorry but in the eight years since they died. I have never killed anyone since. Not a single soul has died because of me aside from your family.” 

“Rowan, I get that you don't want to kill people. But that doesn't change the fact that you were the one who physically killed my family. Your dad might have given the order but you did it even though you had a choice.”

“No, Ella. I had no choice. You want to know what my father did to me that day? He said that if I didn't kill them he would kill me. At fifteen I would have been a pile of flesh if I didn't do what I did.”

“What? He really would have killed his only son? Because you didn't want to kill anybody…” Still in shock I turn and look at Cassie. She’s just as shocked as I am. 

“Yes, he really would have.” 

Cassie and I share a look, both of us stuck and not sure what to do. 

“Ella, can I talk to you real quick” Cassie asks as she walks towards my room.

“Yeah…” I look up at Rowan, “Don't go anywhere, we need to talk.” 

“Sure, so long as you won't kill me,” he calls out after me as I walk away.

“Just stay here I’ll be back.” As I walk in Cassie is pacing back and forth nervously, she glances at me before sitting on the edge of the bed.

“What's up, Cassie? Are you ok? You look worried…”

 She seems reluctant to tell me, almost like I won't like the answer. “Ella, I think I'm having second thoughts. I’m not sure if we should kill him.”

I look at her for a moment before sitting down next to her on the bed, contemplating what she said. “I know, I’m having them too. I had no clue that his dad threatened to kill him. It just doesn't make sense though,” I say before looking at her. “Why would his dad make him kill my family and then threaten to kill him if he didn’t?” 

“Ella, he wants me to take over for him. He wants me to become a younger version of him,” Rowan says from the doorway, startling both Cassie and me.

“Rowan! God, you scared me,” Cassie shrieks, 

“Are you always that good at sneaking up on people?” I ask.

“Ella, please believe me. I never wanted to kill your family let alone for you to watch. He walks over and stands in front of me, “And for the record, I'm glad you both have second thoughts. I do not want to die any time soon and I don't want to kill people. I ran away shortly after he made me kill them and since then I’ve been on my own.” 

“Wait, you ran away after you killed her family so you wouldn't have to kill anyone else?” Cassie asked, shocked by this confession. 

“Yes, I finished high school in Illinois then applied for a job and saved money before coming here to California for college. Ella, you have to believe me, I never wanted to kill anyone.” He is now kneeling in front of both Cassie and me, basically begging for us to forgive him.

“So basically you were like a puppet? He was controlling you from the outside?” I suddenly feel really bad for him. He was forced to kill my family at fifteen, then left shortly after, and has been on his own ever since. 

“Yeah, pretty much. He controlled my every move from the moment I could walk,” he responds while fiddling with the edge of his shirt.

Cassie looks at me sympathetically before glancing back at Rowan. “Rowan, you swear you haven't killed anyone else?” she asks, almost hopeful. 

“Not a single soul. I swear,” he says as he crosses his heart with his right hand and holds his left hand in the air.

“Rowan just leave. Now.” I state, on the verge of breaking down. 

“Ella… Please, I swear I didn’t want to” He grabs my hands and holds them between them. “You know I wouldn't hurt a fly. I mean, come on, I’m in medical school. I want to help people, not kill them.” 

“Rowan, you just need to leave. Right now, please just go,” I say while breaking my hands away from his. 

“Come on Rowan I’ll walk you out.” Cassie gets up and walks to the door waiting for Rowan. 

“Bye Ella…” he says, but I’m not paying attention. I’m too busy trying not to let the tears fall.

Cassie walks Rowan to the door and once I hear the lock click I split. The dam I’ve built breaks with the tears I’ve been holding back for eight years. Yet, somehow everything seems clearer. All the memories come flooding back but I can see differences. Fifteen-year-old Rowan's facial expressions, he closed his eyes with every pull of the trigger, and he squirmed as the knife hit my father. Rowan didn't want to kill my family. He didn't want to kill anyone at all.

When I was twelve I watched my family die. Their blood splattered across the glass coffee table in the living room, while the carpet acted as a sponge, soaking up the last of their life. They died before I even had a chance to save them. Everything felt blurred, closed, unsanswered, blank. Now, I have never felt closure like before. The world seems clearer, open, and settled.