I believe I am sick. Not in terms of an injury or virus, but rather an illness. I feel like a shadow in my own home. Circling the same corners, at the same time, every damn day. I used to have a career, a profession, a purpose. I was a corporate defense lawyer and I loved my job. The excitement of it, working as a team, analyzing contracts and finding the gaping holes. I really do miss it. I loved the walk there; smelling the aroma of morning mildew on the grasslands of Ireland. Feeling the crisp morning breeze on my skin sprinkling me with water droplets from the ocean. I miss it all. I miss passing the church on my way to work, St. Mary’s Cathedral.  The stone skyscraping walls remind me everyday that I’m alone. Not anymore. The one thing I do have going for me, is my amazing fiance.

 He is the most perfect man I have ever met. He is always there for me no matter what. If I’m about to slip and fall he’ll catch me. When I need a pickle jar open, he’s got it. When I’m feeling sick, he takes care of me. I would do anything for him. He has these deep diamond like eyes. With a confident stature that touches the door frame each time he enters a room. He walks with giant strides and his posture straight, always greeting people with a perfect shiny set of teeth. He’s been amazing through this.  I wish I could give him more. I wish I wasn’t struggling with these hallucinations. 

They had originally started out as dreams. I would wake up confused because it felt so real, but that’s what dreams are. Besides, I figured it was just a subconscious memory from years in the past. That’s when they began to get… darker. They turned from dreams, to nightmares, to night terrors. I began to feel the actual pain in my sleep. It would hurt in the morning aching every time I moved. I worry that they’ll get stronger. Interfering with my everyday life. I’ve taken the last week off. Donovan suggested I do so. That’s why I haven’t been able to go back to my passion. He said it would be better for me to rest up, to get better. Then I can go back to work. Back to Galway. I leave the window and decide to go back upstairs to take a nap. I’m hoping it won’t be as dark as it has been these last couple of weeks. I’ve been taking the meds Donovan gets me. Let’s see if they work. 

 I start going up the stairs, but I hear the sound of high heels clicking with every step causing the mahogany floorboards to creak. I peak around the corner by the stairs but don’t see anyone. Just the empty unlit kitchen. However, the air smells sweet like fresh fruit on a summer day. I creep over to the kitchen. I grab a lamp resting on the living room table as a weapon. As I shakily approach the kitchen I see a blurry figure of a woman, cooking? She’s wearing a pale pink sweater, some threads slipping out of it, but she wears it well. She has on white-washed skinny jeans and black converse shoes. Her curly red hair bounces against her back every time she turns her head. I tap her shoulder but she doesn’t acknowledge me. She turns quickly and begins to spin around the room. Dancing? I can finally see her face. She has a grin on her face and her eyes are closed. She has on very natural makeup which highlights her petite nose and perfectly curled eyelashes. The only thing confusing me is her skin. It isn’t as radiant as her spirits. It’s grim. Her complexion is pale allowing her veins to pop out as if they’re playing peek-a-boo. 

“Valerie! Valerie, are you okay?” I hear faintly.

Right in front of me are two big blue eyes staring into my soul. I look around the room. I’m in the living room, the kitchen dark just like it was before. The sweet smell disappears along with the red-headed woman. Donovan is still staring at me as if I just grew five feet taller. 

“Yes, yea I’m fine. Must’ve just been one of those dreams again.” I responded.

“Okay good to hear, when I came here to check on you,  you were about to slam the lamp onto the floor, so I wanted to make sure everything was alright.” Donovan said.

“Yeah of course I’m so sorry, I must’ve been sleepwalking I guess. Thank you.” I say as I set down the lamp.

“Is everything set for the wedding?” I ask

“Yes, everything is perfect. Let's get you to bed now, okay.” he said.

We head upstairs and he lays me down onto the soft comforter. I can feel the mattress form a comfy cocoon around my body.

“I’ll go get you some tea, okay.” he says softly.

Looking outside the window I can see the church. My goal in life. Once I step through those doors everything will be okay. I can feel it. I know it. Even the morning church bells bring a soft smile to my face. Every time they ring my heart beats to the rhythm.

“Here’s your tea.”

“Thank you.”

I take a sip of it. The warmth of the tea makes my lips tingle a bit. Hold on, why is the room spinning? 

“Everything is gonna be okay” he says as he begins to walk out of the room.

Why is he leaving me here? Doesn’t he realize I’m spinning out of proportion? 

The room begins to spin and I find myself rolling off the bed. The room has completely changed. In fact it’s not a room at all. I’m standing in a hallway. I look to my left and there's a glowing small sign above the door to the stairs with the word “EXIT” glowing in red letters. To my right is a stretch of carpet and doors seeming to neverend. The carpet beneath my slippers is gray and partially dirty. Fitting for the matching fluorescent lights above my head. I can see the shadows cast by the carcasses of dead flies that were once drawn to the light. The doors are all green with dark brown borders and beige walls separating each (what looks like) apartments. In front of me is one of these apartments. However the birch wood is peeling. There is a long thin scratch stretching diagonally across the doorframe. The only thing bright about the door is the gold lettering at the top of the frame. 3B 

Wherever I am, I’m here for a reason so I decide I should open the door. I knock three times on the door but don’t hear a sound. There is no light slipping from the cracks, just merely a cool gust that slips through every now and then. I decide to open the door. My hand touches the cool metal of the door handle and lets out a small creek as the door begins to open. The room is naturally lit by all the windows. The drapes pulled open creating a bright environment. There is a record player adjacent to the sofa playing “Fly Me to the Moon.”

 Suddenly I see a woman in the corner gazing out the window. The familiar shiny red hair gives away the fact that it’s the same woman from my hallucination not too long ago. Only this time she isn’t wearing a sweater and jeans, but rather a wedding dress. As she sways to the music the layers of lace on her dress move around her legs as if it wants to come alive and dance too. All I can see is her back but I’m sure the front of her dress is just as breathtaking. I don’t believe she heard me come in so I’m assuming she can’t see me. I walk over to her side to investigate what she is looking at. Ironically, her view is of Saint Mary’s Cathedral. I look at her face. Her eyes are fixated on each stone of that church. By the glassy eyed stare I can tell she's somewhere else. Lost in a day dream. A look I know all too well. Tears well up in my eyes at the thought of desiring the one thing you’ve been dreaming of but can’t seem to grab. My thoughts are interrupted by her hummingbird voice softly singing the words to “Fly Me to the Moon.” That’s when I see tears start to fall down her face. Slowly at first. Then they begin pouring. She abruptly turns and looks at me straight in my eyes. The clear water in her brown eyes turns red staining her snow white gown. The tears turn redder-blacker-thicker. Bloody. The record player screeches as it comes to a halting stop. The bloody tears stop pouring down the girl's face. With no emotion she barely mumbles the last lyric to the song.

“I… love… you”

That’s when I hear a quick staccato SNAP like a balloon filled with too much air. A gunshot. The woman lets out a shrill scream. Clutching her chest she falls to the floor. The record player starts back up again. As the melody builds, so does the pool of blood around the woman. It’s thick and suffocating. It encompasses the woman leaving no room for mercy. My knees buckle as I sprint out of the room. Stumbling to the door I just barely grab onto the handle when I collapse to the ground. Lights out.

When I wake up I’m surrounded by people in blue scrubs. I can’t make out what they're saying. It all just sounds like background noise. Looking out the window it looks like someone put a black cloak across the stars and clouds. Next to me is a heart monitor and a matching IV tube. I feel like crap. It’s one of those moments where your mind is going a mile a minute but your head aches with every motion and thought. Strangely, I can’t help but think of Donovan. Where is he? Did he bring me here? The waiting chairs are empty, I don’t even see a coat or a hat of his. 

“She’s awake now.” a nurse says.

She comes over to me and starts typing on the computer next to all the other machinery in the room. The only thing I can think to ask her is

“Why am I here?”

“There’s no easy way to sugarcoat this so I’ll tell you the truth. Your husband had a fiance before you. She lived in the area, in the apartments down the street. However, he suspected she was cheating on him. Regardless of whether or not that was true he shot her on their wedding day. He buried her at St.Mary’s Cathedral. Luckily, during a wedding party 4 months ago someone discovered it. Ironically you.”

“What but that doesn’t make sense. I didn’t see any body, Donovan would never do anything remotely like that.” I said

“I know this is devastating news.” But you found the body. The police opened up an investigation. We didn’t know it was Donovan until later. He was worried you were going to connect the dots between him and the body so he started poisoning you. The drugs would have caused you to feel sick or weak. Right when the police found out it was Donovan they broke into your home. You were on the floor unconscious so they immediately brought you here. It turns out he has been poisoning you for sometime. Luckily, you didn’t finish your cup of tea today. If you had draken it all we might not be speaking.”she said with a deep breath.

“I can’t believe this. I really thought he was the one. And if what you're saying is true then why am I experiencing hallucinations?” I asked

“It would have to be the trauma. You saw a body in a wedding dress. That's a lot for anybody.” she said

That woman. She’s been the one I’ve been seeing in my dreams. In my hallucinations. I can’t believe it’s her. Finally it all makes perfect sense.

The nurse begins to tell me the usual stuff about being in a hospital. How they need to measure my vitals, make an appointment with a psychologist about what I’ve seen and what has happened. The usual. She tells me I should be able to be discharged in the next couple of days. For now I just need to rest. I turn my head toward the window. The sun is beginning to rise. Funny how I need to start the day by sleeping. It’s been a crazy night. On the horizon I can see the church, St. Mary’s Cathedral. It really is crazy how cobblestone walls and a name can mean so much to a person. I guess to many people as well. I take a minute to blink and that’s when standing right outside of the window is him. He breathes into the window. The glass pane squeaks as he draws against it making the shape of a heart. He smiles at me and points to me then him. My body shakes and tears well up in my eyes. This can’t be happening. The love I used to see in his eyes is gone. It’s like a film is cast over them. I begin to scream. Fear, anger, disgust, sadness all of it builds inside of me. 

“There’s nothing there, what is she seeing?” the doctor says concerned.

“I don’t know but she isn’t well.” the nurse says

“She must be hallucinating again, I’ll sedate her in order to calm her down.” The doctor says.

Lights Out.