“And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,

And the lamplight o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;

And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor

Shall be lifted - nevermore!”  From The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe

It was attached to me, waiting to take total control of me. It followed me and now I know why. I should have stayed in the dark, where it wasn’t there, where it couldn’t touch me or grab me. But I didn’t, I listened to myself.

He had told me it would be safer to stay inside, in the dark. He was right about it. I always was concerned of it, but never questioned myself why. That was the problem, I didn’t think. I didn’t think of why it was safer inside, why the light was so dangerous, why I wanted to stay in the light. That thing that followed me, that brought me to the light, only to take it away afterwards.

Three weeks earlier

He would only think about the dangers of leaving this house. How the light and happiness can turn your days into darkness. He wouldn’t mind about what I thought. Anyway, I thought it was stupid, I knew he was wrong.

And so I left, I left behind what had been my whole life. My husband, my precious belongings and the memories we had until he got crazy and began imagining things.

My legs carried me through the forest. The trees were covered in a soft sprinkle of snow. It was cold, my cheeks were red and my eyes were leaking. I tried to convince myself it was only the wind whipping in my eyes, but I knew it wasn’t. My heart was pounding as fast as the RPM of an engine. My back was clammy and my hands were quivering. I wondered what I was going to do afterwards, I had nowhere to go.

Then I saw him. He was standing there, in the middle of the woods, as if he knew I was going to be there. His eyes, golden, with sharp spots of black about to devour them. He smiled gently, leaned forward, and stretched his arm forward. Veins of a dark purple were swollen through the skin. My body stiffened, and my arms contracted to my sides.

He noticed my hesitation, and started “ Hey’’. That was enough for me to let go all of my courage.

I stared at the ground, and I realised I didn’t have any shoes or a coat on, but I wasn’t cold anymore, I stirred my toes up and down, unknowing of what to do. I finally looked at him, but I couldn’t stand it, I looked at the ground again.

The radiant sun reflected on my ivory skin, the light blinded my pale eyes. I surveyed my surroundings and realized that I had no shadow. I didn’t even bother to wonder why I had none, although it looked absurd.

“ Are you cold?’’ he asked softly, grinning a little.

The pressure was too strong, I couldn’t stay close to him any longer.

“ Umm, no, I’m fine. I’d better get going’’ I hadn’t looked at him, yet. I turned around and started walking, my feet tumbling over each other. “Bye,’’ I said firmly. My mind was telling me to go back, but my legs wouldn’t let me. They brought me back to the cabin.

I wondered why I had been so harsh towards him, I guess the fact that he made me nervous made me mad.

The next day, I left again. It was colder than the day before, small particles of snow melted as they touched my rough skin. My fingers were frozen although I wore mittens. I stared at the soft  snow lying under my feet, bright and beautiful. I kept walking until a pair of black boots cut my path. I looked up and found myself a few inches away from the mysterious man’s face. I stared into his eyes, golden, with sharp spots of black about to devour them.

“Hey’’ he said it in the same soft voice.

I smiled as my cheeks flushed, ‘’ Hey”, I giggled.

“ What are you doing here?” he was still smiling.

‘“Trying to escape my miseries and my past” I looked down, thinking about what I had said. Was that what I was doing?

“Do you want to talk?’’ His eyebrows narrowed, but was still smirking. I was about to talk but the words didn’t come out, only sounds. I couldn’t simply trust him. I turned away once again, without answering.

I came back the next morning, only this time I was determined to talk. I found him at the exact same spot, standing between the four same trees, kicking through the snow, he was smiling once again. His hair was golden, just like his eyes, but beneath it seemed to hide something, something darker. He tilted his head, motioning me to approach, I joined him quickly after.

Days past and I felt better and closer to him, he treated me with respect and love. I didn’t want to go back home at night. I wanted to stay in the light, but there was no light at home. I wonder why I called it home, it didn’t feel like it.

Every day since I had left my husband he got lonelier. He stopped drinking, and he begged for me to stay, but I couldn’t make that mistake again. I had to leave, I needed light and happiness. I kept wondering why I didn’t have a shadow when the man was with me.

James. That was his name, every part of me wanted him. He was perfect. I wanted to spend the rest of my days with him.

My husband had to know. He could live in the lights shadows, but not in mine. “ I think I’m going to leave. For good this time.’’

He tried to stay calm “Where?’’ tears ran down his cheeks and his hands started to shake.

“ I met someone, I think he’s the one. The Perfect One.’’

He stood there, not knowing what to say. After a while he looked at me, “You know? Nobody’s perfect.’’

I ignored his comment and left. I walked to the spot where James and I had met, thinking about what he had told me. It couldn’t be true, James was perfect and I knew it. I stared at the ground. My shadow was long and dark, and it followed me. I kept walking until it disappeared. I looked around, frightened. The wind was running through the trees, making the branches crack.  The sun was looking down at me, I couldn’t find any logical explanation. Out of nowhere a familiar face appeared, but it wasn’t who I wanted to see. It was my husband, the one who had turned my life into a dark and miserable place.

He looked at me, worried, “Look, don’t run, okay. Just… Just let me explain.’’ I didn’t want to listen, but he seemed different. His dark hair had been combed, his eyes didn’t seem as sleepy and ignorant, and his clothing was clean. The oddest thing of all was that he was outside. He hadn’t gone outside in years. He would stay in the dark, where it was supposedly “safe’’.

“ I know I messed up many things -’’ the heat rose up. He had ruined my life, he kept me away from the things I loved.

“ - Many things? That’s a way to put it.’’ I cut in.

“ J-just let me finish’’ he had a hard time speaking, nothing came out. He opened his mouth and closed it. ‘’I figured it out, I know why he’s there, he -’’

I cut him off again ‘’ - If you’re trying to gain me back, it’s useless.’’

“I just want to tell you he’s dangerous!’’ He had raised his voice. I calmed down and looked at his feet. “ Believe me or not, but I think there’s something wrong with the “perfect man’’ his eyes filled with tears, and his mouth was quivering. I could see he hated James and I was glad to know that he was suffering. It was his turn.

I was starting to worry, “ Why would you say that?’’

‘‘I don’t know, but I think -’’ he still had the concerned look.

I couldn’t listen to him anymore “ - But you don’t know him! Stop making things up, I’m tired of it!”

He seemed surprised, “ I- I was just trying to help’’

“I don’t need it, leave!’’ I looked at him enraged, until he turned around and left. I stared at the ground, but my shadow still wasn’t there.

I heard a low melody coming from the woods. The sound grew louder and louder as it approached me. And then it stopped, I turned around, and saw James. He looked at me, with a smile on his face. “Hey, I want to show you something, come’’ he seemed joyful although I wasn’t. I knew my husband was wrong about him, but I didn’t feel as close to him. I was afraid of him. I stared at his feet and realized he didn’t have a shadow either.

I hesitated, “James, who are you?’’ I already felt bad, but I needed the answer.

He seemed confused, but was smiling, ‘’What do you mean, you know who I am.’’ I was about to drown in tears.

“Just. Just tell me who you really are.’’ It was hard, I couldn’t accuse him of lying, but I knew something was wrong. His smile faded, he stared at me, and left.  I fell down, crying in the soft snow. I was cold, my lips were dark, and my fingers were icy. Exhaustion overcame me, and disabled me from moving. The wind grew stronger, and the snow covered my body, until we couldn’t see a piece of skin. It was the end, I was going to die when I hadn’t lived, yet. There were so many things I hadn’t seen. My breath became slow and irregular, my body was frozen.

Then, heat overwhelmed my whole body, I was in somebody's arms. I felt happy, I thought James had come back for me. Instead,  he placed me in a sofa, my husband’s sofa. It wasn’t James that came back, it was my husband. I was surprised, he had never cared about me.

That’s when I realised he was only trying to protect me all those years, but I couldn’t fall into that trap again. When he cared about me only for a little while and then he left me alone. I fell asleep, I dreamt that I was in James’ arms, his warm and soothing arms.

When I woke up, my husband was looking at me, smiling. I felt like I didn’t know him. My fingers twitched over the velvet fabrique He turned to face the lamp, sitting on the wooden table and his smile disappeared, so did mine. He got nervous, rolling his thumb over another. I saw his face give up, every muscle in his face let go. He stretched out to close it, and sigh in relief.

“What do you have against light?’’ my tone was menacing.

“ I know what happens when you’re in the light. The shadow. It takes control of you bit by bit. It starts with the heart, making you accept it, and feel attached to it. After, you can’t escape it.’’ His words were deep, and they seemed to make sense. But I forgot it all when a familiar voice echoed from outside.

“Stay in the light, you know that’s what you want, Lenore. We can be happy here!” he was shouting. I looked at my husband, he stared at his feet, thin and boney, carved into his wet slippers. He had never seemed so old and miserable, I didn’t know what to do.

“Stay.” I could barely hear him. He swallowed with such difficulty. I started crying, I had decided, but I knew it was the wrong choice.

The wooden door creaked as it closed behind me, it slammed hard enough to make the whole house shake. My feet press into the rotten wood, it disgusted me.

James was looking at me, smiling like usual, but this one was different, his evil soul had come to the surface. “I guess you chose me, now, it’s too late.” His eyes, now totally black, sunk in. His delicate skin peeled off to show an old, wrinkled face, filled with purple veins vacillating over his bones. His mouth opened to reveal sharp teeth. His nails grew until they were yellow and dark. He approached me and brushed them on my skin, as it became wrinkled, too. James then became a speck of black smoke floating through the air. It became bigger and denser as it swirled around me. It kept on going until all I could see was darkness.

I stared at the lonely man placing a girl into her grave, he was filled with guilt and shame. He struggled through his steps, but made it into his dark cabin. I grinned and walked away.

I had no shadow. I was not alive. I was the shadow, his shadow.