Runter von meinem Arsch! 
By: Mitchell 
Character list: 
MR SCHMIDT 
SPENCER 
Chair Pusher #1 
Chair Pusher #2 
(To represent the cars, the actors should be in rolley office chairs with their feet on the legs and pretending to hold a steering wheel in front of them) 
(There should also be a person behind each actor in their chair pushing them to represent the car moving) 
(MR SCHMIDT, an old German man wearing a newsboy cap, sweater, and dress pants is driving his car, [slowly rolled in his chair]) 
(SPENCER, a young man with a sneer on his face, wearing a backwards hat, a college t-shirt, and basketball shorts is driving behind him) 
(Just have them drive around the classroom for a while, MR SCHMIDT with no expression, maybe he’s messing with his radio, and SPENCER looking very annoyed at the car in front of him, angrily muttering about how he’s under the speed limit) 
MR SCHMIDT 
(Looks up as if seeing a stoplight) 
(In a heavy German accent) 
(Quietly, speaking to himself) 
“Oh no, a yellow light,” (slight pause) “Better stop here.” 
(Roll both their chairs to a stop, MR SCHMIDT’s chair first) 
SPENCER 
(Throwing his hands up in the air) 
(In an exasperated, angry, voice) 
“You could have made that! COME ON!” 
MR SCHMIDT 
(Looks around confused) 
“What was zat?” 
(Roll the chairs again, in whichever direction, with MR SCHMIDT’s chair rolling slower than before) 
SPENCER 
(Extremely angry, muttering) 
“Why are you going so slow?!” 
(Rolls down imaginary window) 
“HEY! SPEED UP D*CK!” 
MR SCHMIDT 
(Startled/ worried) 
(Looking behind him) 
"What?! Me!?” 
“Okay okay okay, I’ll go the very fastest that the speed limit will allow me.” 
(Passive aggressive mocking tone) 
“Maybe zat will make you happy!” 
(Start rolling chairs only slightly faster) 
(SPENCER gives a looked of shocked disbelief and gets even angrier) 
(He starts honking his horn incessantly, [I’m not sure how you should replicate the horn noise, maybe he has a squeaky horn he uses, Ms. Peck has squeaky dog toys if need be]) 
(After slowing to the next stop light, MR SCHMIDT rolls down his window and sticks his head out, looking behind him towards SPENCER) 
MS SCHMIDT 
(Loudly) 
"FINE! I’ll take the long way around! You go straight!” 
(Turn Mr. Schmidt towards the audience and roll him slowly, SPENCER remains in place) 
SPENCER 
(Quietly, but furiously) 
“Oh, this isn’t over.” 
(Beat, tire squealing sound effect) 
(SPENCER races forward a few feet and is pointed directly at Mr. Schmidt 
MR SCHMIDT 
(Scared) 
“Mein God, what dis he want?! 
(Audio of tire squealing, engine noise, and frantic honking plays [there might be YouTube videos of this you could use]) 
(What then ensues is an exciting chase scene, MR SCHMIDT is being raced all throughout the room, as fast as you can safely go, with SPENCER is hot pursuit. Try to weave through where the audience is sitting. Feel free to ad-lib any lines you want. I imagine there would be a lot of shouting and Mr. S might even switch back to German to shout some colorful phrases!) 
(The chase ends with Mr. S slamming on his brakes and getting out of his “car”. He then faces SPENCER who’s still in his car) 
MR SCHMIDT 
(Angerly) 
“That’s enough! Vwhy don’t you come oot and settle it like a man!” 
(Pause) 
(Mocking tone) 
“Whut’s vrong, Is someone chicken? (Starts imitating a chicken)” 
(SPENCER is taking huge angry breaths, and then, He snaps! He slams down on his imaginary accelerator and runs Mr. S over! SPENCER immediately regrets his action, and you can see it on his face. He worriedly leaves the classroom into the hallway, where he remains until after the play) 
(Mr. S, sprawled out on the ground uses his last breaths to recite a monologue about the dangers of road rage) 
MR SCHMIDT 
(In a pained, dramatic voice, looking directly at the audience, no more German accent) 
“Hear me children! So young! Yet behind the wheel of such dangerous machines. 
Don’t repeat the mistakes I made here today! I was simply a pedestrian, peacefully on my way. Only to be provoked into a contest of pride! The only one responsible for the way this played out... Is me! Allowing rage to blind me, I made myself an easy target for that fiend! If only this breath weren’t my last! I would learn from these blunders and be a better man!... BLEGH!” 
 
(He falls back dead) 
THE END