CHARACTERS: 

Harry Williams

Noah Brown 

Crew Member 1/ Elton Evans

Crew Member 2

Mr. White

Scene: (Two men enter, middle stage. One is wearing a tracksuit, while the other is wearing a suit. They stand in front of a table with two mics facing a soccer field. With a camera crew setting up equipment on the side.)

Harry: (Posh British accent, he is in the suit) You must be Noah. I’m Harry. (Reaches out to shake hand.)

Noah: (shakes Harry’s hand. Southern accent, he is in the tracksuit) Noah’s the name. (looks Harry up and down) Sorry I didn’t know we were supposed to dress up.

They both chuckle. 

Harry: No problem, just a preference on this side of the pond to look presentable on the telly.

Noah: Ha, telly.

They both sit down at the table and put on headsets. Harry answers emails on his phone while Noah looks around and twiddles his thumbs. 

Noah: You know, I’evnt watched much soccer.

Harry: (interrupting not looking up from his phone) Football.

Noah: No, I’ve watched loads of football, I’m a football commentator. That’s why the network brought me in, so more Americans tune in. 

Harry: (Finally looks up at Noah) No, it is football here you are in Britten. Not soccer, football. You do use your feet for it, not your hands. (looks back down at his phone).

Noah: Oh yeah, I forget things are a bit backwards here. (Harry glares up at him) But as I was saying, I don’t watch much soccer, so I don’t know the rules that much. 

Harry: I’m sure you will get it. 

A couple of minutes of silence go by while Harry stays on his phone and Noah fidgets with the pen and paper on the table. 

Harry: Alright, 10 minutes to airtime, let’s go over the match shall we?

Noah: Heh, yeah man let’s go over the match. 

Harry: (Glares at him). So the match is between Chelsea and Tottenham, a huge derby. Chelsea is actually one of my favorite teams, but you mustn’t play favorites if you have one, or develop one. 

Noah: (mouth agape). I didn’t understand half the words that came out of your mouth that first half there, but let’s go for it!

Crew member: (a young man with an East London accent) Five minutes to airtime!

Harry: I’ll start us off yes? Do not speak until we start commentating. 

Noah: Sounds like a plan partner. 

Crew member 1: Three minutes!

Harry starts to smooth down his clothes and adjust his hair, Noah observes him for a moment and then starts to do the same. Harry looks over at him and glares. 

Crew member 1: One minute!

Harry starts to organize his papers and settle down more, and Noah continues to do the same. 

Harry: Stop copying me!

Crew member 1: 40 seconds!

Noah: Sorry!

Harry adjusts his headset, and Noah does the same. Harry glares at him. 

Crew member 1: Ten seconds. 

Crew member holds up finger countdown. Once the count reaches one, Harry starts talking. 

Harry: Hello and welcome to Chelsea and Tottenham’s 170th meeting. This is a huge match that will decide who stays in the top four of the Premier League table and makes it to next year’s Champion’s League. I am Harry Williams joined by a special American guest Noah Brown. Noah want to tell us a bit about your background?

Noah: I’d love to Harry, I commentate some real, rough, football. 

Harry: (chuckles nervously.) Yes, well, I already know what you are doing today, I was talking about more of your background in American football. 

They both chuckle.

Harry: After this break, we will look at the lineups for both teams. 

Crew member 1: Cut to commercial. 

Harry stops smiling and turns to face Noah.

Harry: Let us try and not to insult the entire European nation today.

Noah: Just playin’ around bud. (He slaps Harry on the back).

Harry: Let’s not play around on national television. 

Noah: (shrugs) Whatever you want boss. 

Crew member 1: Cut to you in five. (starts count down with fingers)

Harry: Hello and welcome back to the 170th London derby between Chelsea and Tottenham. I’m Harry Williams here with Noah Brown. Let’s take a look at the lineups for both teams shall we Noah?

Noah: Let’s get down to it Harry.

Harry: Tottenham has five of their normal starters injured including Harry Kane and their goalkeeper. 

Noah: Yikes, yeah that doesn’t look too good. Although just looking at this picture here Kane looks a bit skinny and old. 

Harry gapes at Noah, for a few seconds. 

Harry: (shakes his head) Yes, well, a talk about Kane’s age may be in sight. 

Noah: (Nods his head) What about this Chelsea guy, he sounds pretty yoked.

Harry: (grits his teeth) Chelsea is the actual team, Noah. 

Noah: Yeah, yeah, what about their lineup then?

Harry: (Glances down at his papers). Let’s take a look, it seems Tuchel has left Mason Mount out of the starting lineup after just being named Chelsea’s player of the year. Instead, he has Kai Havertz and the American, Christian Pulisic. 

Noah: I guess I’ll have to cheer for him then, huh?

Harry: I suppose so yes. It also appears that Timo Werner has been substituted for Olivier Giroud. Werner has caught 10 offside calls in the last three games. 

Noah: Harry, champ, would you do me a favor and explain to me that there offsides rule. 

Harry: (chuckles nervously) I don’t think we have time for that today Noah. When we come back from the break, we will take a look at the pregame statements from both the managers. 

Crew member 1: Cut to commercial. 

A short man in an expensive-looking suit, storms into the booth.

Harry: (stands up and holds out his hand) Mr. White, sir. 

Noah looks at Harry standing up and follows suit. 

Mr. White: (ignores Harry’s hand and Noah altogether. Speaks with an unidentifiable European accent) We’re losing viewers here in Europe and we haven’t gained any Americans. Get this fool off the air. I don’t care who you bring in, just anyone but him. (turns on his heels and leaves). 

Noah stands dumbstruck, two men come in and take him off stage. Harry looks at the producers. 

Crew member 1: 20 seconds to airtime sir. 

Harry: You then come here. 

Crew member 1: (pointing at himself) Me!?

Harry: Yes you come here, we don’t have all day, here take the headset. 

Crew member 1: (muttering to himself) This is crazy this is insane. (speaking to the rest of the crew) Someone else needs to do the count, please.

Harry: (pulling out the chair) Here, hurry up.

Crew member sits down, smooths his clothes out, and slides on the headset.

Crew member 2: Uh, 5 seconds.

Harry: Hello and welcome back to the 170th derby preshow. Noah Brown had a bit of a personal situation come up and unfortunately had to leave. Now with me, we have, um, uh…

Crew member 1: Elton Evens. Hello, I’m Elton Evens. That is my name. 

Harry: Well welcome to the show Elton Evens. That is a very nice stage name.

Elton: (chuckles) Yeah, well I guess it is. Time to look at some pregame stats innit? I’m very interested to see what Ryan Mason has to say, especially after that big loss against Aston Villa. 

Harry: (looks happily surprised) I definitely agree with that statement. Before we start I don’t have to explain the offsides rule to you, do I?

They both chuckle.

Elton: No, no. I actually played in the Championship League for a bit when I was in college. 

Harry: Yes? That is neat! Reminds me of my days in the Premier League. 

Elton: (chuckle) No need to rub it in Harry. 

Harry: Alright, let’s take a look at these statements. 

Crew member 2: Cut to video. 

Harry: (slaps Elton on the back) Wow, great job Elton! You’re a natural!

Elton: Yeah? I was so nervous!

Harry: Yeah well you got over didn’t you?

Mr. White once again stalks into the room. Harry and Elton stand at the same time. 

Harry: (nods his head) Mr. White, sir.

Mr.White: You, Elton Evens, I like you. 

Elton: Thank you, sir. 

Mr.White: Although not hard to look good after that bumbling American fool.

They all have a hearty laugh.

Mr.White: Next game weekend let’s get you on a match. 

Elton: Wow, thank you so much, sir.

Mr.White: Don’t thank me yet, you’re not hired yet. And Harry, great job as usual.

Mr.White leaves the room. Elton and Harry sit back down. 

Harry: (holds his hand out towards Elton) Congratulations, Elton. You remind me of a young me actually. 

Elton: (shakes Harry’s hand) Thank you, sir. You gave me this opportunity.

Harry: Actually I think you have that insufferable American to thank for that. 

They both laugh. 

Crew member 2: 20 seconds to airtime. 

The stage goes dark.

Harry: (over the speakers, the stage stays dark) Back with me today is Elton Evens. (a compilation of that plays for 20 seconds). 

Elton: (stage stays dark, also speaks over the speakers, a compilation of different popular commentation phrases play overlapping) 

The End.