The radio was turned off in the car, but it didn’t feel silent. I noticed that he would spend more time looking at me then at the road straight ahead. The high heels I wore bent my feet to an unusual and uncomfortable angle. I shifted my body, pulling down my dress from under me. The wipers pushed the rain off of the windshield, and I watched the rain cover it again in an endless fashion.
I don’t remember what him and I spoke about at first. I think we must’ve been anxious about the dance we were heading to. Then, he started looking at me more. I don’t think he’d ever seen me this put together.
“Your car’s huge,” I said, looking toward the backseat.
“Yeah, there’s a lot of space in the back,” he answered. I felt him staring at me.
I crossed my legs. Why was he looking at me? Did he like me?
I played it cool. Flipping the sun visor downward, I looked at myself in the mirror. I opened my purse to re-apply my lipstick. Rubbing my lips gently together, I flipped the mirror closed. We were just pulling into the parking lot of the dance, and the rain was coming down strong.
“Just hang in here for a sec,” he said, taking his keys and exiting the car.
I stayed put, watching him run around the front of the vehicle, his eyes squinting from the rain. He came up to my door, removing his jacket. He opened the door, rain batting down on his head. He held my hand, helping me step down from his massive car. Shielding me with the jacket, he walked in the rain beside me. When entered, I handed him back his soppy jacket, and he held out his arm. Interlocked, we walked into the dance, the lights flashing a brilliant red. The room was filled with people, but I knew I wouldn’t get lost. We reached a dense crowd, and I felt him tighten his hold as if I was a thing he didn’t want to lose.
I can’t remember what we spoke about that night, but I remember the sound of his laugh and the gentle strength of his grip.
She didn’t look any different than usual that night. She always dressed up. She had painted her eyes a dark shade, boldening their appearance. I watched him start to look at her as she was speaking. It was a peculiar look. I realized that he looked at people as if they were shiny things poised in the window of a fancy shop. He talked to her for a while. I didn’t think she was better than me. Did he?
“You look so handsome!” she squealed at him.
“Thank you. You look great, too,” he answered. He was looking at her, but he kept a grip
on my hand.
I let go, pulling out my purse. I looked inside, shoving away the useless things. The lights
changed to a darker shade of green as I listened to them talk.
“What the hell?” I sighed, getting a little more frantic.
He slid his hands around my waist. “What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know where I left my lipstick,” I said, looking up at him.
“Maybe you left it in my car,” he said turning away. “You’ll find it, don’t worry.”
He looked at me less and less throughout the night. His grip got looser and looser until we weren’t touching at all. I think to him, people are things. It had stopped raining by the time the dance was over, but I looked up at the midnight sky, and not a single star was in sight. He held onto me once again as we were leaving. He opened the car door for me. I didn’t find my lipstick.
We left the dance blasting music. The radio was on in the car, but it felt silent. Still, the night was young, and I had the sense that he wasn’t ready for it to be over. He pulled into an empty lot at the park, and we sat there talking for a few minutes. God, I can’t remember what we spoke about. I felt him looking at me again. He looked at people the way they wanted to be looked at. He was good at that. I felt his hand on mine. It felt right, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at him back. I stared out the window.
And while he looked at me the way I had been dying to be looked at, I asked softly, “Can you just take me home?”