“Breath in. Your okay, I promise” - you whisper, I think it’s meant to calm me down but all it does is cause the panic on my stomach to rise even more.

Oh lord what have I done.

“No. No. Nothing’s ok anymore let me go” I scream and slap at your toned arms wrapped around my frail body. I scream “Let go. Let go.” You do, but as soon as you do, I immediately regret it. “I want to help you but I can’t if you won’t let me.” You spit the words out shakily and fast as if saying them was hurting you, and maybe they were.

Just hold me again. Please.

Repeats in my head over and over again. I want to say it but there’s this funny thing, called pride that stops me every time .
“Then fine leave. See if I care.” I scream but only because it’s all i can manage. You look me over then hesitate then finally without a word, only a heavy and brooding expression on your face you leave.

Come back. Please.

l kept thinking that by the end of night I’d hear your Harley come ripping down the pavement and up the drive to my house and you’d take off your helmet, and you’d have the same relentless helmet hair you always do. Then I would fix, with a mischievous tugging at my lips smile.Then he’d say “I love you.” But it doesn’t, none of that happens, you don’t come back.

It crushes me, yet I get it.

I was so insecure, that I couldn’t believe that anyone could love me, so I tested you. I did and said unbearable things, things that’ll leave deep emotional scars for years to come, and if you didn’t come back you weren’t worth it, and if you did then maybe you were. You came back yet I still wasn’t convinced. I kept testing you over and over again, eventually I realized that you were worth it, but I couldn’t stop I was addicted. I got so used thinking, that no matter what I did, no matter how much I hurt you that you’d come back, so I just kept hurting you over and over again, pushing you to the limit time and time again.

Until you left.

I was broken and scarred and instead of fixing myself I continued the circle and broke and scarred you.

It’s been years and you’re finally happy and I am too. After you, I told myself I needed to heal myself, I couldn’t let this cycle continue.

I just wanted to say I’m sorry.