“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”
--Norman Cousins

The curtains couldn’t conceal the light of a bright, fall morning. Josie rolled over, away from the blinding sunshine. Ten more minutes passed before she finally stumbled out of bed. The too big, grey sweatpants she wore were stained and her t-shirt was worn and faded. She walked out of the guest bedroom and into the bathroom. Looking in the mirror didn’t even cross Josie’s mind. Heading for the kitchen, Josie stomach grumbled. Instantly after swinging the fridge door open, Josie groaned. All that was left was half a carton of orange juice. She pulled her greasy, brown hair into a ponytail and grabbed her keys.
Instead of going straight towards the grocery store Josie turned left, adding at least 15 minutes to her drive. A few minutes into her drive, Josie came across a construction crew that had shut the road down. She approached slowly and rolled her window down.
“Road’s closed ma’am.” the construction worker spat.
“When is it going to be open?” Josie questioned.
“Not until tomorrow. Sorry for the delay, a pipe burst. You’ll have to take 4th Street to Park.” the construction worker started to walk back towards the crew of bright yellow vests.
“Well s***.” Josie said outloud. She turned the Honda Civic around and headed back home, knowing perfectly well that she would need to take 4th Street to Park Street to get to the store. She was not going to 4th and Park.
As Josie pulled into the garage her phone rang.
“Hello?” Josie said.
“Josie, honey, it’s mom.” said the other line.
“Hey mom.” Josie said.
“How ya doing today Jos? Do you have any plans? Do you need anything? I’m out and about, can I stop over?” Josie’s mom said lightly, as if trying not to break her. Josie agreed she could stop over. It wasn’t even ten minutes before the front door swung open. Josie could smell the food as soon as her mother walked through the door.
In one arm a large bag of food and the other a plastic bag full of clothes, Josie’s mom made her way into the living room where Josie was laying on the couch, still in the sweats.
“Josie I brought you some clean clothes and something to eat. I figured the fridge was probably empty and you needed to change.” said Josie’s mom not making eye contact.
“Thanks mom.” Josie said as she dug through the bag of food.
“Why don’t you go shower and get dressed and we can go shopping? It’d be good for you to get out. A distraction maybe.” Josie’s mom said trying to smile.
“No thanks mom. Maybe another day.” Josie said grabbing a container of mashed potatoes from the bag. She walked towards the kitchen. Josie’s mom quickly followed.
“Honey, you can’t stay locked up in the house all day. You need to start living again.” Josie’s mom could barely get the words out.
“Mom, give me a break. I just need more time.” Josie turned her back.
“I’m just trying to help.” her mom shrugged and headed towards the door. “Call me if you need anything. I’m always here.” Josie took the potatoes out of the microwave. She walked down the hallway past the bedroom she used to share with Noah and kept walking into the guest bedroom.
After she finished eating she went to change into the clothes her mom brought. She pulled out two pairs of jeans and a hoodie from high school. “Seriously mom??” Josie thought to herself. She pulled the hoodie over her t-shirt and slipped the sweatpants off. She grabbed a pair of jeans. She started to put them on but realized she couldn’t fit into them. She pulled at them trying to squeeze in. She looked at the size. “6. This is my size. Why don’t they fit?” she thought. She picked up the phone to call her mom.
“Josie do you need something? I’m already home.” Josie’s mother said.
“No mom it’s oka--” Josie’s mother quickly interrupted Josie.
“No honey really I can go out.”
“Mom, I was just calling to ask if you shrunk my jeans. They don’t fit. Did you put them in the dryer?” Josie asked.
“No, of course not. Why? Is everything okay?” Josie mother sounded confused.
“Yeah, it’s fine. Mom I have to go. Thanks for the food.” Josie quickly hung up.
She rushed to the bathroom. She looked at herself in the mirror. The person looking back at her looked nothing like Josie Smith. The reflection was almost unrecognizable. There were bags under her eyes. Her hair was a greasy rat’s nest. It looked like she was drowning in her oversized sweats. Josie reached her hand out to the mirror. Tears ran down her cheek. How did she get here? What happened to her life? How did it all fall apart so fast? She pulled her sweatshirt up and turned sideways. She hadn’t noticed the weight gain until now. Why would she notice when all she’s been wearing has been sweats? She pulled the scale out from the bathroom closet.
She hasn’t been eating super healthy, but she definitely shouldn’t have gained this much weight. She had gained 10 pounds. That might not seem like a lot, but Josie had weighed relatively the same since high school. She couldn’t figure out where the weight had come from. Even throughout college she hadn’t gained 10 pounds so quickly. Josie picked up the scale to put it back in the closet. When she opened the closet door, she realized where the weight had come from. There was an unopened box of tampons sitting on the shelf. It hadn’t even occurred to Josie.
Josie thought to herself “How could this be happening? Why now?” Her heart raced as she grabbed her keys. Josie felt like she was going 60 miles per hour through town and it still wasn’t fast enough. She pulled into a parking spot, slammed on the brakes, put the car into park and rushed into the drug store. Avoiding eye contact, Josie made her way to the back of the store. Skimming the aisles, finally she found what she was looking for. A pregnancy test. She snatched two and put them into the basket. While checking out, Josie couldn’t stop pacing. Her hands were shaking, she couldn’t get the credit card to swipe on the first try.
“Thanks for shopping at CVS, have a nice day and be well!” Josie heard as she rushed out of the store before anyone could stop her. On the drive home, her phone started ringing. Her little brother, Joey, was calling. She thought about ignoring the call. “If it’s important he’ll call again. Or leave a message” she thought. She pulled into the garage and shut the car off. Her phone started ringing. Joey-- again. She picked it up.
“Hey Joey, this isn’t a good time. Can I call you back later.” Josie said annoyed.
“Umm. Sure. I guess. I was just calling to see if you were coming to my baseball game.” Joey sounded so innocent.
“Sure Joey, yeah, I’ll be there. Okay see you later, bye.” Josie rushed. She grabbed the plastic CVS bag from the passenger seat and scrambled into the house, straight to the bathroom.
Josie sat on the white, tiled bathroom floor, holding her head in between her knees. “Breathe” she told herself. “It’s probably negative” she thought. Seconds seem to pass like hours. Finally, she went to look. Two bars. She looked at the box. Positive. Josie felt her heart begin to race. She couldn’t stop the tears from pouring down her face. This is what Noah wanted.
After taking a shower and putting on a clean pair of clothes, Josie sat on the couch. She didn’t know what to do. If Noah was here, she knew what she would do. Maybe she’d buy him a shirt that said “World’s Greatest Dad.” Or maybe she’d make his favorite dinner and set out three plates instead of two. She quickly realized she couldn’t do anything. She wasn’t ever going to be able to tell Noah he’s going to be a dad. She looked at the framed photo from their wedding that sat on the end table. She grabbed the photo and couldn’t hold back the tears when she realized that she was going to be a mom, without Noah. Her heart ached. She closed her eyes and thought about the last conversation she ever had with Noah. She couldn’t help but laugh when she imagined his goofy smile. She looked at the picture and said
“Noah, you’re going to be a dad.”
2
Josie woke up laying on the couch with the picture still in her hand. She gently placed the picture back on the end table and walked to the kitchen. She poured herself a glass of juice. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Confused, she went to answer it.
“Josie! Come on we’re going to be late!” she could hear her Dad on the other side of the door.
“Dad?” Josie swung the door open. “What are you talking about??”
“Joey’s baseball game? We thought you would want to follow us to the field.” Josie’s dad said firmly.
“Oh. Okay. Um. I’ll be out in a second.” Josie yelled as she hurried up the stairs. She slipped on a pair of Chucks and slid one of Noah’s baseball caps onto her head. She made her way to the car. She followed her family’s SUV all the way to the field. She took a death breath and looked around at the field. There was families already set up in their lawn chairs with their kids playing on blankets in between them and the playing field. Josie closed her eyes and remembered the last time she was here. Noah had brought Joey to do some batting practice and they had locked the keys in the car. She could hear his laugh as she pulled into the parking lot with the extra keys. Joey and Noah didn’t say a word when Josie got out of the car. She put her hands on her hips and tilted her head. The boys couldn’t contain the laughter any longer. They bought burst out laughing as Noah approached Josie to give her a hug. Suddenly she heard a car door slam and Noah was gone. She took another deep breath and opened the door.
Walking towards her parents, Josie could hear the kids talking in the dugout. It was the last game of the season before it was too cold to play anymore. The cool breeze brushed across her face. She tucked her hair under the ball cap and sat down in the extra lawn chair next to her parents.
“Can’t believe it’s Joey’s last game” Josie’s dad said.
“I know it seems like they just started practice.” Josie’s mom piped in. Josie nodded and directed her attention towards the field. The game was just starting. Thankfully there wasn’t much small talk because her parents were also watching the game. An occasional mutter about a call or a player on the other team from her dad here and there, but other than that it was pretty uneventful. Joey’s team lost the game 5-4 in extra innings. After shaking hands with the opposing team, Joey headed towards the bunch. He gave the normal “after game” hugs to everyone while complaining about a call. Josie wasn’t paying attention though. She was ready to go home. She needed more time to think before she told her parents anything. She gave everyone a goodbye hug and started towards her car. Once she reached her car, she buckled her seatbelt and rubbed her temples with her fingers. She still didn’t know what she was suppose to do. A knock on the window startled Josie. Joey was peering through the window waving. She rolled the window down.
“I wish Noah were here. I really missed him today.” said Joey.
“Me too, kid. He’d be so proud of you.” Josie replied. Joey walked back to her parents. She started the car and headed home. On the way home, Josie turned on the radio loud enough so she couldn’t hear her own thoughts. She pulled into the driveway and looked at her small, quaint home. The lawn needed to be mowed and the flowers were starting to die because of the cold temperatures. “Noah had always taken care of that” she thought. She walked upstairs into the living room and hung up Noah’s hat right where he had left it. It seemed like he was still here. His stuff lied right where it would be if he was here. She couldn’t bring herself to go into the master bedroom. She hadn’t gone in there in the months since Noah’s death.
Her thoughts were cut off by her phone ringing.
“Hello?”
“Hey Jos, it’s Elle. I was wondering if you wanted me to hang out for a bit? We could just watch some movies? I have Dirty Dancing on DVD.” Josie’s best friend from college, Elle, said. Before she could think of an excuse she said yes. She surprised herself. They quickly hung up. Josie thought to herself “Why did I tell her yes?” She didn’t really feel like being alone anyways.
Elle walked in 15 minutes later with Dirty Dancing and some snacks. Josie popped the DVD in and turned the TV on.
“How are you?” Elle said.
“I’m alright.” Josie said fiddling with the remote trying to get the right channel on.
“I miss you.” Elle said.
“I know. It’s just been hard to be around people lately. Ya know?” Josie shrugged.
“What have you been doing lately? Have you thought about going back to work?” Elle said, she was never one to be shy. Josie was caught off guard. No one has even mentioned her going back to work.
“I’m not really sure. I haven’t thought too much about it.” Josie said.
“Maybe it’s time to think about it? You have to get out and do something.” Elle said. Josie knew Elle just wanted the best for her, but she couldn’t help being a little annoyed at the comment. Josie pushed play and ignored the question. She couldn’t focus on the movie, even though it was one of her favorites. Maybe she should tell Elle about the baby. She would know what to do.
As “(I’ve had) The Time of my Life” finished playing Josie finally let it slip.
“Elle, I’m pregnant.” Elle’s mouth dropped.
“What?! Are you sure?? Congratulations!!” Elle said as she rushed to give Josie a hug. Josie smiled. She didn’t expect Elle to be so excited. She realized this pregnancy maybe could be a good thing. She’s carrying a little piece of Noah.
After Elle left, Josie decided to clean up the house. It had been months since she even opened the closet that held the cleaning supplies. She did some laundry, loaded the dishwasher, and vacuumed the living room. Josie walked back the master bedroom, she reached for the door handle. Her fingers grazed the cold, metal handle. She took a deep breathe. She started to turn the handle, but released the handle quickly as if it was burning her hand. “Baby steps” she told herself.
Her next step was to tell her family. Josie looked out the window. It was already dark. A yawn escaped from her mouth as she headed to the guest bedroom.
The next morning, she woke up in a surprisingly better mood. She was actually excited. A feeling she never thought she would feel again. Thoughts of guilt couldn’t help but cross her mind. “Should I be feeling like this?” she thought. Josie shoved the thoughts to the back of her head. She decided to make her way over to her parents house. She pulled out of the drive way, and surprisingly went straight. She was determined. Noah wouldn’t want her to keep living like this.
As she approached the intersection of 4th and Park street, Josie’s stomach dropped. “Green, green, green” she thought. She sped up, not wanting to be stopped at the intersection. Eight cars to the intersection, the light turned yellow.
“GO, GO, GO” Josie said, out loud this time. She smashed her fist into the steering wheel. Why did she go this way? The light turned red. She was stuck. The car halted. She tried not to look out the window. “This isn’t happening. I’m not here” Josie thought. She turned on the radio, but it couldn’t get loud enough to take her away from this place. All the memories of that awful night came back to her. The sirens, the lights, Noah’s car upside down. Tears swarmed her face as the light turned green. She wiped her face with the sleeve of her sweatshirt and put her foot onto the gas. Moving on, from the intersection of 4th and Park.