Her finger traced a line down the muscular curvature of his back, soft and gentle as she laid there breathing in the crisp fall air that filtered in through the windows, her mind wandering. The clock was ticking. They were running out of time, that precious thing she’d never given much thought to when things first started. She hadn’t wanted to face the fact that the person she was lying beside then was soon going to be gone, leaving behind a void she had never realized had been filled. He would leave her a changed person, someone better all because he was willing to show her all the parts of herself she never knew existed.

Something beautiful existed about that moment, in all its rawness. With her head on his chest, his heartbeat the only sound in her ear, the electricity flowed. So did something else. Love. She recognized a heightened sense of awareness right then. The way his chest rose and fell, the far-off look in his eye she could just make out as she peered up at him; it all hit her at once until she couldn’t sit in wonderment any longer.

“What’s wrong, darlin’?” she asked, sitting up a little as her face shifted to a look of concern. He let a smile play at the corner of his lips, looking down at her.

“I don’t know, I’m just… happy.” Nothing more was needed. That one word filled her with happiness of her own, but it was accompanied by fear, doubt, uncertainty, and a hint of pain that morphed her expression into that of incredulity. Why did life have to be so complicated?

She didn’t say a word, instead laying her head back down in his lap and closing her eyes. She couldn’t cry. She wouldn’t. But she had to fight really hard to swallow the lump in her throat. She laid there for another song, her mind flooded with the memories she’d let flow ceaselessly and without thought before now.

He took his hand and brushed her hair off her face, tucking it behind her ear. He leaned over, his head looming over hers until she sat up and met his lips. This moment was so bittersweet; the exchange set her heart to pounding, having remembered the fear that she’d suppressed just a few moments before but also warming at his kiss. She wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling herself up so she was sitting beside him.

“I never want to go,” she said, her hand caressing his face. He had his resting on her crossed leg and entangled in her other one, which he gave a little squeeze. A pained smile appeared on his face in the dim light of the moon and the stars, the same ones they’d fled the city to see every opportunity they could. She’d become attached to the sound of the gravel beneath the tires and the interminable fields sprawling all around them.

Right then, they were in their own little world, not another soul in sight for miles and the only sound the chirping of the crickets settling down for the night. The air was getting cooler now, so he’d brought her his favorite blanket. A breeze blew across the fields and she shivered, drawing in close to him while wearing the hoodie he’d loaned her to keep warm. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her hair.

“I love you,” he whispered in her ear. She hadn’t expected that. Not much time had passed; it was only a few weeks ago that she’d happened upon the boy by chance. She couldn’t have imagined life any better way. Instead of saying it back, her fear got the best of her.

“I know,” she said, her eyes closing in embarrassment and frustration. And she did love him. But what was this? She knew in her heart that everything was right. Too right. That terrified her. He didn’t say a word, didn’t react to her lack of reciprocation. He was alright with taking it slow, letting her find her own way.

The green glow of the minutes ticking down until midnight was the only thing holding her back. She knew she had time beyond this night, at least a little bit, but it would never be enough. Then and there, in that purple GMC Sierra on the edge of the world, she knew. This boy was her first love. In mere weeks, she would be saying those three little words with more meaning behind them than she could have ever imagined. She stared out of the moon roof at the stars high above them, another universe like the one they were in right there. If only those stars had been aligned. Even then she had goodbye in her eyes.
*****
“I’m enlisted in the United States Marine Corps,” he said, the commotion of a busy Saturday night at Buffalo Wild Wings blurring into the background as she felt her throat tighten. They were on their first date, of many more to come. She looked at him, forced a smile, and said she was proud of him. She was, whole heartedly, but this was a bomb dropped on her.  They’d just met, but already she felt emotionally attached to this mysterious boy in a plaid shirt and cowboy boots.

“When do you ship out for boot?” she asked, taking a bite of her honey barbecue chicken salad. He told her that he was due to leave for sunny-and-75 California in early January. So far from then, that was. Five months to potentially spend together sounded like forever, but it flew by faster than an F-A/18 Hornet fighter jet hot on the trail. She spent her time with him trying to forget the fact that the countdown was slowly tick, tick, ticking down, each day a blessing she tried to embrace.

And so it went for the next several months, summer transforming into fall. Each day they spent together they grew more and more attached. Young love. What stupid, stupid love it is. How silly she was, falling for someone she knew was going to leave her. When he’d dropped her off after their moonlit adventures, she’d refused to say that dreadful word. Goodbye was not in her vocabulary. Instead, they said until next time. She had hoped that somehow she would be able to change his mind, to make him absolutely positive that she was in it for the long haul. What kind of relationship has an expiration date? Theirs did, and she was too afraid to admit it. She lived in denial.

Fall changed into winter almost symbolically; January 11th arrived and before she knew it, the word she’d refused to say became a reality.

“I love you,” she said, kissing his cheek, tears streaming down her cheeks. She’d never meant something so much in her life. This boy, the random stranger who had completely changed her life around, was leaving for boot camp in mere minutes. She would have to survive the next three months clinging to handwritten letters and the navy blue sweatshirt she’d made her standard uniform. She would do it though, because no one in this world was worth her tears more than he was.

“I know,” he said, his voice a sort of level and controlled staccato. He was withdrawn, so obviously nervous and hurting. That statement was so reminiscent of the line she’d dropped a few months back, but this one slashed her across the face. She wanted to fix it all, to hop on that plane for him so he could stay there. She wanted him to say he loved her back, needed him to say it then even though she’d heard it so many times in the past. That Sunday afternoon in the recruiter’s office was one she’d never forget.

She put her hand on his shoulder and said, “I’ll always be here.” She left him there, her eyes blurry with tears. She walked to her car and sat staring out the windshield as a few icy snowflakes fell outside. Suddenly, her phone buzzed. She glanced at the screen, eyes struggling to focus, and saw:

My Boy <3: I’ll always love you.
Me: Semper Fi.

She couldn’t see on the entire way home, red lights becoming beacons in the distance. She had said goodbye to her best friend, and she had no idea where they stood. What had happened? What were they? She clung to the idea of his return like it was the very thing that gave her life meaning.

She made trips to the mailbox a daily ritual, the days where those little vanilla-colored envelopes arrived punctuating the long three months. Those letters were rare. Very rare. She tried not to let it bother her.
Tell her I miss her and am thinking about her too, he wrote in a letter to his mom. Why couldn’t he say something sweet directly to her? She still wrote him multiple days a week, addressing more envelopes than she thought she would ever write in her lifetime. She counted down the days, crossing them off with little red x’s until April arrived with a fresh breath of spring air and his return. She could barely contain her excitement.
He showed up at school, a man now in his starched uniform and high-and-tight. The PFTs and Crucible had shaped him, hardened him a little. She screamed at the sight of him, the biggest smile she’d ever made permanently spread across her face. He was home. The wait was over. He beamed with pride and lit up when he saw her running to him. She’d never felt a hug with so much love in it. She kissed him, a long-awaited sweet gesture he returned. They had the next six weeks to spend together and she planned on fully taking advantage of them.

They went to dinner, drove down the old backroads they’d spent their time getting to know each other on, and bonded with a family that welcomed her as one of their own. They even went to prom together. Things were seemingly back to normal. The past few months had been worth the doubt and fear, all those long nights of no sleep. But the weeks were crossed off faster than she thought possible and before she knew it, it was time for another goodbye. A final one.

They stood outside of his GMC, laughing and reminiscing. This was hard for both of them, but she never anticipated what he was going to say next. He started timidly. “You know what you are to me. You’ve been such a motivation in my life. When things got tough at boot camp, I thought of you and my mom. I did it for you guys.” He looked her in the eye, staring up at her through those long eyelashes she envied every time she looked at him. “But there is just no way we can make this work. I’ll be in Florida and you’ll be here. I don’t want you missing out on anything your senior year and I don’t want to miss any opportunities either. It just won’t work,” he said, now staring at the ground. Her heart seemed to stop. She didn’t cry. She held herself together and fought back the tidal wave of emotions. What was he saying? She had waited three long, painful months for him. Why had he treated her like they were back to normal when he knew all along that they weren’t together? Why had she believed him?

She made her mouth into a tight line, looked him in the eyes, and grabbed his hand. “Thank you,” she said, too proud to let him get the best of her. He had exposed so many facets of her that would never have been revealed, had taught her how to love herself, and had shown her what she deserved. She kissed his cheek one last time, smiled, and turned and walked away. He watched her leave, wanting to tell her to come back, but he knew he needed to set her free. She was too beautiful to be held back.

And so the story goes to show that not everything in life makes sense. We win some, we lose some. Living a life without regret is a founding principle for happiness, and now, looking back, she can admire her strength and dignity through the heartbreak. The pain remains to this day. It will never stop, but it will fade. The hurt will leave a scar that will serve as a permanent reminder of who she was then and who she is now. Her life is now divided into the before and the after. She is fearless, a stronger person because of someone who had to be strong, too. Soulmates aren’t always meant to stay in one’s life. God allows them to appear for a time, teach their lessons, and leave gracefully knowing that they’ve done their jobs. Today, her eyes are open and ready to take on the world through a new perspective. They shine with the promise of hello.