You were a mystery to me. I hated it. When we first started talking you wouldn't let me in. I hated that too. The fact that you held so much curiosity in your eyes and so many secrets in your heart made me want to find them. I wanted to hear them uttered from your lips the second I met you but you wouldn't speak about them. All the things that came out of your mouth were shallow words woven together to create ornate sentences that meant absolutely nothing. You pretended those sentences that came out of your mouth were all those secrets that danced so precariously on your lips. I knew better. I could see right past those phony lines. I could see that the true secrets, the ones that you refused to acknowledge, were deep under the surface of your skin. It drove me insane. When I tried to weasel a tiny secret out of you, you would always direct the conversation into a different place. Mainly you didn't want me finding out about you but you insisted on finding everything out about me. It wasn't fair.


I caved in so easily when you wanted me to. Every time you spoke to me trying to get under my skin and see inside of my soul it worked. I poured all of my secrets out to you. I could never hold back. I tried so hard because I figured if I could that maybe, just maybe you'd spill a bit of your secrets to me but it never worked. I couldn't hold back from you. Maybe it was the way that you could weave words together into a tapestry of beauty that offered so much but told so little. Maybe it was the way you looked when you asked me to tell you these things. It felt like you looked straight into my heart and coaxed it to open up to you. You were just so easy to talk to. You never judged me for the things I told you. Your eyes always sparkled when I said things. It was like each secret I told you was a precious gem that was worth more than gold. It was almost as if you cherished my words more than your own life. I think that's what made me start falling for you. Everything I said to you was like the most important thing you'd ever heard. Like it was life changing.

When we got closer as friends you opened up a little bit to me. Your lips let on to more things and sometimes your lips would tell me the true secrets you kept so guarded so closely. Your soul let free some of the burdens you carried and gave them to me. I loved the secrets you told me. They meant more to me than anything else in the world. I was finally getting through to you. I was finally able to crawl around under your skin. Even if it was only for a very short period of time. All that mattered was that finally you were entrusting me with something. Even if it was the shyest most un-extraordinary secrets like you once ate a bug for a dime.

When we started dating your secrets began flying out of your mouth faster than I expected. I wasn't prepared for some of them. They were no longer innocent and a little funny. They carried weight and depth and hurt to them. As your secrets began to mix and stir together I got scared. They were coming so fast and it was as if your lips couldn't hold on to them anymore. Your eyes began losing their curiosity and you started guarding things with less and less force. It was as if you were giving up and willing to deteriorate with no thoughts of saving yourself. It hurt to watch you fall so hard. You used to be the strong one and then it was me. I was forced to carry your burdens all of a sudden. But to say that I hated finally being able to see your soul would be a lie. I enjoyed every moment of it no matter how difficult things got. I loved hearing the things your lips had kept from me for so long. I loved lying down with you on the couch in your basement while a movie played in the background and hearing all of your secrets. I loved the way your fingers would wander and make trails on my torso as you bashfully told me terrifying things that you'd kept hidden for so long. I loved the secrets that you passed on to me silently when you kissed me. I loved it all. It was like a dream. We were perfect together always leaning on each other. Our nights and days together were spent gingerly sharing anything and everything. You talked more I got to crawl around inside of your mind. I finally got to posses all of the secrets I'd once longed to hear so badly. I finally got to posses you.

Then you told me one last secret that would change it all. Honestly it was something I'd never imagined would ever come out of your beautiful mouth. I also never imagined that someone saying they're going to die would sound so pretty. I know it sounds bad but you had a way with words and when you told me it was the most beautifully tragic thing I'd ever heard. It made me love you even more though. The last few months I had with you were the saddest months of my life. We spent all of our time with no secrets left just holding one another knowing that you were dying. We never said it again. We tried not to acknowledge it but truth be told it was there. It was always filling up the empty silence. Sometimes one of us would burst out crying. We would hold each other until it stopped but truth be told it didn't help. Avoiding it was almost as worse as not avoiding it. Your fingers still wandered sometimes but without the secrets to accompany it they felt heavy as lead and moved with sadness. Lying on the couch in your basement wrapped up with you while a movie played in the background just reminded us more of how little time was left. And then it was over. You got worse. You were always tired and delirious. I barely got any quality time left with you. You gave up a long time ago and I wished that you hadn't. I hated you for it. I really did but at the same time I loved you for being so brave. For finally admitting that you couldn't beat your disease.

The last words you said to me were that you loved me. I told you I loved you right back but I don't think you heard me. Your hand went limp before I got the whole sentence out. Your words had been so raw that time it was strange. I used to think that the way you crafted your words into gorgeous sentences made you hold all this power and regality but honestly it was the rawness of your final breath that you used to tell me that that was the most gorgeous and heartbreaking thing I'd ever heard. I miss you so much now. I have all these secrets I carry around with me , secrets that I once had been so desperate to find out, and they are heavy. They are like bricks on my chest. I have no one to discuss them with anymore. Without you there's no one else who can be as strange and mysterious and as wonderful as you were. No one can compare to you. I guard your secrets closely like you once had. I refuse to open them up and let my lips spill them. They are mine and yours alone. No one else will ever hear them. No one. These are our secrets that passed between our lips through pain and laughter. I will carry them for as long as time. Perhaps longer. I'll never forget the beauty you created with your words. I will never forget you actually. I'm forever going to be chained by your burdens. By our burdens. These are our secrets.