Friday nights weren’t always so isolated, not before he left. When he left, he took with him the happiness that over whelmed me when the sun shone right into my ear, the fascination that I explored when the smell of rain in the garden over took my sense of smell completely and the sight of a flock of birds and how my mind would wonder and wonder and try to figure out there destination without any hints given. But we were young ,we were stupid. We got happiness from the smallest of things, even un meaningful “I love you’s” would cause our hearts to swell up with emotions indeed.
Fridays were our days, good times, it did not matter if it was our group out wandering on the streets, our just the two of us reading, listening to music and eating a home cooked meal. All I remember is that no matter where we were, no matter who we were with , how stressful the previous days had been , how unpleasant the weather might have been and no matter how unwelcoming we knew the coming days would be , we’d manage to rise above all that and have a good time. It taught us how to cherish what we thought we have lost but never really can lose. Even right now I think we lost what we had, but we cannot, I know we cannot. A little piece of my conscience is knocking at my sense of logic and constantly reminding me that we did not lose it, we cannot, it reminds me of how I owe it to him and the time we had to believe that we cannot lose it, we cannot lose us.
It was hard, almost painful in the beginning. After we confessed our feelings towards each other in those pleasantly beautiful mid-summer college days, we were only given a short period of time to spend with each other. He got a job in Leeds that year and before our relationship could progress he left. I couldn’t hold him back, if I did I would have been selfish and it would clearly mean that I did not love him enough to trust him or maybe to trust us. What is love if there is no trust? I needed to prove to myself that the trust we had was like no other I had seen before.
He got a call , about four weeks from when he had asked me to marry him. We were supposed to get married in the June of the following year, but we both had unanimously agreed to settling academically and making our professional mark before tangling ourselves in a matrimonial bond. At first I thought , what wrong did we do? What did we do to deserve or earn the pain of departing? But by his calming effect on me I managed to snap into my senses and not let my emotions flow. It was logical yet better for him to go to Leeds , away from London and far from me but I had to stay and he had to leave. Wasn’t it enough for us to have the disapproval of our families towards our feelings for each other, was it not enough for my friend , Sarah, to think that she mistrusted me as she thought that she felt the way for him as I did. Now that he had to go, id have to face the taunts on my own. Filled with hatred and rage I was once, it wasn’t fair, why did I have to be exposed to the world?, why was I the one who had to give explanations and tell the true story?, why couldn’t he just do it with me? I felt abandoned when he first left, I remember looking at his face before he went, disappeared into the crowd. His eyes trying to hold back tears, his chest restricted, not because we were parting, no, not at all, because he knew that he was leaving me alone to face it all. His face was almost apologetic, like he was apologizing for taking another step to a brighter future.
We had come up with our own system, every Friday afternoon after his work finished at the office in Leeds; he would catch the first train leaving for London. That Friday night was always our night. We would exchange notes on what had happened in our absences, good news, bad news, who had said what, when and why. Those were the comely days. Sunday evenings would be the worst , as he would have to leave, but the thought of how I feel when he comes back gave me the strength to let him go, every time. I had become addicted to the feeling. It felt like recovering, it made my legs to numb with excitement almost like I had been incapacitated. What was funny was that people felt like that when things went wrong, I felt like that when I was happy. Oh what specific, strange creatures we are. All made of the same matter but all of us with different feelings, emotions and ways of expression. Maybe that is what sets us apart.
The time had helped me grow stronger, we were learning to cherish each other, each other’s presence, even though we had to keep on delaying the date of our marriage, it did not bother me as long as I knew that we were still going to be together. I had learned to think more logically, to calm myself down. Whilst he had learned to not worry about me, not worry about himself, and to know that everything would be fine in the end. He needed that surety at times more than I did. I knew that as soon as my graduation came ,I would move to Leeds as soon as possible.
Fridays came and passed, he came and left. But soon enough , like a strike of lightening had fallen , like someone struck a line on a blank paper ,the time came when I had graduated and was on the train to Leeds. Excited as ever, the Friday came but this time it was me heading to him. I could feel my hands become clammy, my stomach churn and even though I was happy I couldn’t help thinking of how I was going to adjust to the change. I was not always pleasant to change , neither was it welcoming to me in the beginning, but the thought of being together again removed the fear of what blows I might have to face. I still knew it was going to be okay, because I was heading back to the man I called my rock, the one I looked up to, the one who set everything straight.
It’s been a year since I came to Leeds, the day I arrived here I felt like we took a new step to making our mark as one into the world. I knew that not everything was going to be perfect and we as humans are insatiable hence we were never going to be satisfied, but we’d make it work. The first night was celebratory, the next week was spent in showing me around. For some reason the Friday’s that came had their own thrill to themselves. It was a built in feeling. I think every Friday that came had its own news that came with the day. The worst was my third Friday in Leeds. He was coming back home, and a few seconds before he stopped at the signal he met his fate, and I was introduced to loneliness and abandonment, I was not foreign to the feeling but this time the feeling was going to stay like an old friend who returned and promised to never leave again.
I stay here in Leeds, because I know that he dreamed of our future here, my future here. Some times when Fridays come I laugh and smile at the memories of what we had ,in isolation, and sometimes I cry at what I think I have lost but have I lost it because I still love him. Hence I have not lost anything, because I have not lost love. Friday and Love brought happiness and joy once, but one Friday killed me inside, him completely and so did Love. It gives you happiness but comes around and strikes an arrow in your head when you least expect it. That is love and that is life.