I awoke to the sound of my phone ‘Good morning beautiful’- it was from my boyfriend, Austin . Awh, he is such a cutie. We have been dating for the past 9 months, he is my everything. Receiving a text from him in the morning, completely changes my mood for the whole day. I instantly replied ‘Good morning :) xx ’ I really should’ve been getting up, and ready to go to school, but I would rather spend my morning talking to Austin. We go to the same school and everything but as ridiculous as it sounds, I can’t go a few hours without taking, or hearing his voice. It usually has to come to my mum storming in, ripping the covers off me, and screaming for me to get ready for school unless I want to be late.

It was 4th of August and Austin had just turned 16, therefore receiving his P’s. Usually he comes past to pick me up, but this morning was different. My mum had insisted on taking me to school today, god knows why? Anyway, being the lovely daughter I am, I agreed. I remember jumping into the back seat of the car, next to my annoying 12 year old sister, Tameeka. We had to first drop her off at school. I sat in the back, while on the phone to Austin. Knowing it was illegal to talk while driving, especially whilst on provision, I insisted few times that we will be seeing each other at school in like 30 minutes. He still wanted to talk. I did not argue. This was now, most defiantly the worst decision I have ever made in my life. If I had not just stopped talking, my life would still be perfect. But no. I didn’t do that, I was too selfish.

The last thing I remember before the crash, was hearing his voice, crying for help, I had possibly the worst feeling in my stomach, helplessness. Boom and that was it, all it took. My life, our life, had now changed forever. ‘Beep, beep, beep.’ It was over. His phone, disconnected.

He never came to school. Didn’t meet me at lunch. No hugs, no kisses. Later that day, I was called to the office. They took me to the hospital where his family was already at his bedside table. I couldn’t stand to see him in this condition, on life support, because of me. A seductive coma. This was my fault. I walked over, tears began to swell in my eyes. I had this feeling in my stomach where it tied in a knot and before I knew it, I collapsed. The next few hours where not easy. People came and went friends form school, bringing flowers, and balloons. I stayed, refusing to leave his side. Minutes passed, then hours, I lost count all i knew is that it felt like an eternity. I didn’t eat. I began to grow used to the feeling of hunger, as though I liked it. My parents came and they let again, knowing I wouldn’t be leaving with them.

I awoke to panic in the hospital; I had fallen asleep, holding his now cold hand. His heart had stopped. He was dead. I was now dead. His family where distraught, crying. I was just frozen. Shocked. He was really gone, I would never hear his voice, stroke his air, smell his sweet scent. I never expected this, none of us did really. Austin was no longer in my life, what was my life worth living without him? I had only known Austin for 9 months but those months had seriously been the best times of my life. How could I ever live it without him, just carry on as though we had never met? I couldn’t, that is the problem.

The next few weeks where excruciating. I didn’t eat, drink, and talk. I couldn’t stand to see my friends, his friends. I just stayed in my room hibernating. My life was not worth living. My parents and best friend tried to convince me to come out of my room. I never did. I tried to remember all the good times we had together, the first kiss, water balloon fights, long phone conversations, the all-nighters. That just brought me to tears. I re-read through the messages in my phone. Nothing could make me feel any better.

I eventually went to school; it would never be the same. Life at school seemed as though it had moved on, from the tragic event that dramatically transformed my life. I saw happy couples. I was jealous. Knowing I would never be able happy like that, to love again. How could I just up and forget about Austin, I couldn’t. I refused to. My grades started to slowly decline. I failed almost all my subjects. I didn’t have the energy anymore to try any harder. My friends stopped talking to me. I was known as the ‘loner’. I sat at the back of the room in class, next to no one. I ate in the library at lunch to avoid having to sit by myself. I know what it’s like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can’t. How you hurt yourself on the outside to kill the things on the inside.

One day this all changed. A new boy arrived at my school. Beau. He was in all of my classes. He sat next to me when no one else would. He talked to me, made me laugh, something I had not done in a while. He didn’t mind I want prettiest in the school. He loved me for me. We slowly started getting closer and closer, something I had previously sworn I would ever do. I had promised Austin. I had wanted him to be happy. But then it clicked, something switched on inside of me. Austin had only wanted me to be happy, my happiness was his happiness. He would have only wanted me to be happy. And I was, right? That was all he had ever asked for.

Beau and I became pretty close that summer. Always over at each other houses almost every day. We were friends, the best of friends. He had saved me, when I had needed saving. Something I will forever be in debt of. I’m not sure if I will ever be ready to love again. Not like I loved Austin. But Beau understood that, he knew what it was like to lose something precious to him. Losing his father just last year. But we had each other now. I told him everything, and he understood. He cared.

6 months have passed since Austin’s death. Not a day goes day without me thinking of him. His laugh, the way he used to call me his ‘baby ’ and the little flick he used to do of his hair. All those little things, I remember. It seems foolish really how someone can come into your life, have such a massive impact and then just leave. As if no one will ever notice. But they do, trust me, they do. But we will be together one day. Until then I just have to live my life, and enjoy myself, enjoy every precious moment of it. Because you never know when the one you hold dear will be ripped from your heart, never to return again. I will learn to be happy with Beau, it is what Austin would have wanted plus more. It is no Disney story, I am no Sleeping Beauty, but Beau is my prince charming, who woke me up from my nightmares when I needed saving most.

True love doesn't have a happy ending, because true love never ends. Letting go is one way of saying I love you.