It was a cold winter night. The windows were frosted and the fireplace was on. From the outside it looked as if the family inside were like any other american family. All sitting together around the fire talking and enjoying their time together. On the inside it was a whole different story. I was sitting alone in front of the fireplace curled up in a blanket watching the fire dance. My husband was in his office or the cigar room as he calls it. Smoking a cigar and dealing with the business. Even though I knew that he had important things to get done before the party the next night I still wanted him to be out here with me. We have been married for five years yet we still have no kids. We are a little different from other married couples. My husband Henry Smith is a very successful businessman. He has so much money that he could buy out the entire state of South Carolina. As for me he says that I have nothing going for me except my looks. Sometimes I wonder why I even married this man; then other times I wonder why I’m still in the marriage with him. The more I think about it, I am irrevocably in love with him. Yet sometimes I feel that even though he says it I really don’t think he loves me as much as I love him. As I fall asleep on the couch I realize something tomorrow is our six year anniversary. I remember the wedding that took place it was the talk of the town in 1950.

I awake to utter silence. At first I think that he has left for work but then I remember that I didn’t make my way to bed. I get up and start to make breakfast and coffee for him. I bring it upstairs after I get it all done. As we sit there and eat our breakfast we talk about everything he got done last night and what he planned to say at his business party that night. When we got up and started to get ready for the day he pulled out a dress from his closet that he got me for our anniversary. It was a burgundy colored shift dress that was floor length. It also had rhinestones around the neckline. It was the most beautiful dress I have ever seen.
He smiled at me when he seen the look on my face. He told me that he couldn’t wait until tonight to show me. He said that he hoped I would wear it at his business party.
I smiled and said “I would love to wear it tonight. After he got finished getting ready he gave me a list of things to do to get ready for the party tonight.
I told him that I would try to get it all done before tonight. After he left I got started right away. I had to make some phone calls and get down to the convention hall where the party would take place later in the night. I had to make sure that all the food was being delivered. I also had to make sure the decorators and the table placers were doing as they were supposed to be doing. I finished everything on the list by late afternoon. When I got home Henry was already there.

He was sitting in his office talking on the phone to one of his big clients making sure that he was still going to be there. I smiled at him then closed the door. I walked upstairs to start doing my hair and getting ready. After a few minutes I heard him come in. He came up behind me and put his arms around me and gave me a hug.
. He asked me how the list went.
I told him that I got it all done and everything is on track and is ready for tonight. He smiled and said good before walking away to get in the shower. When he came back out from the shower I had my hair done and I was just starting on my make up. He got dressed in his signature christian dior suit. Man did he look good. As he was shrugging on his coat he looked at me and smiled before walking out.
On his way out of the room he told me that he had a couple more calls to make and we were leaving in twenty minutes. I finished my makeup and put on my dress. I looked in the mirror one last time running my hands down the dress to smooth it out. I felt beautiful in it. When I was standing there I had a flashback to when I was a little girl and I would always look in the mirror after my mom would put makeup on me. I would just sit there thinking that one day I was going to always look this pretty. Then I would look at my mother and see her brushing her hair and thought wow she is still beautiful. I walked downstairs and into his office he was standing there by the edge of his desk looking through some last few papers before we left. When I entered the room he looked up.
His jaw immediately dropped and he told me that I look absolutely beautiful in that dress. He put down the papers and came over to me grabbed my hand and asked if I wanted to be his date tonight for an exclusive party.
I smiled at him and said yes laughing a little. He kissed my hand and said good just don’t tell my wife. I shook my head and he helped me with my coat. We walked out and got in the car that was waiting for us outside. When we arrived there were already quite a few people there. More than I would have expected to be there already.

When we got inside I noticed that there were a lot of people there that I didn’t know. I knew that I had a long night ahead of me. As the wife of the man who owns this business they are all coming to support I must stand there by his side and meet people and talk to them. For about twenty minutes there were at least fifty or so people that I met and talked to. I pretended like I cared about what they had to say. While the inside of me felt like I was trapped. I felt like I could stand there screaming at the top of my lungs and no one would even glance in my direction. No one had the least bit care as to who I was or what I wanted to talk about. Finally the person that was running the show got on stage and said that it was time to take a seat and our food would be out shortly. We all got seated. The people at our table were the vice president and some head managers that knew us well. We were a table that was in the center of all the others. After we got our food everyone ate and when they were done the waiters grabbed our plates. The waiters then gave everyone a glass of wine. My husband took his place on the stage. Where he tapped his pen on his cup when it made a clicking noise into the microphone everyone stopped talking and looked at my husband.

He cleared his throat and began his speech that he prepared. “Good evening ladies and gentleman. My name is Henry Smith if you didn’t already know that. I am the founder of this business. I really couldn’t have done it though without all the people that stand behind me in everything that I do. There are a lot of people who have made a big impact on this business. So to that I give you all thanks. There is one person though above them all that I want to give a special thanks to. My beautiful and very intelligent wife Claire. She is the one that got me off of the couch and start this business that I have always dreamed of. She stuck with me through all the bad and she is still with me through the good. I love her more and more each day as she does to me. So thank you. And finally to all of you who have made it here tonight to support me and my business. Thank you. So let’s toast to success.” As everyone put their glass in the air and said success I couldn’t help but think that I was feeling claustrophobic. Even though the closest person to me is a table away from me. What has this world come to. I have no idea why I’m feeling this way but all I feel like doing is screaming. I don’t want any of this I never did.
My dream as a little girl was to get married and raise a family and live in a nice big home in the country somewhere. As I look up at Henry standing on the stage smiling out at the crowd I think to myself that is the reason I’m here because I love my husband. If I didn’t we wouldn’t have been married for five years. After everyone was done clapping for him he came down and took his seat beside of me and grabbed my hand. He asked me how I thought he did on his speech. I told him that I thought he did great and everyone seemed to enjoy it.
A waiter came up behind him and put a hand on his shoulder and whispering in his ear. He shook his head as the waiter walked away he looked up to the people sitting across from him at the table cleared his throat and said that he had a phone call to take. He got up and walked to the corner of the room where the phone was sitting. I watched him as he was listening to the person at the other end of the line. He shook his head a couple of times and then I seen him tense up. Something about the way he tensed up made me scared. Then he slammed his hand down on the table and looked in my direction. I looked away quickly. As I looked back he put his hand up to his head then shook his head and hung up the phone. I turned back to the table and pretended to be engaged in the conversation. As he came to sit down he looked at me and then looked at the people sitting at the table. I was worried about what the phone call had been about. I knew that it wasn’t going to slip my mind it would be distracting me all night. When it was time to go we got up to stand by the door and say goodbye to everyone that came.
On the way home from the party he was quiet. I didn’t know what to do inside I was freaking out. Part of me wanted to ask what the phone call was about and part of me knew that he would tell me in time. After we got home he went straight to his office which I knew well enough to leave him alone but I couldn’t stand not knowing what it was that made him so mad. I paced the house looking for things to do with anything that would occupy me. I heard the door open and he called my name I came into the office and stood by the door.
He was standing by his desk. I wasn’t sure what to do so I just stayed where I was. I could feel some sort of tension in the air. He cleared his throat and said “when exactly were you going to tell me that you were taking money from the business account?”
I shook my head and said that I have never taken money from the business account.
He calmly said “Okay I’m going to give you another chance to answer the question again.”
I said it again “I have never taken money from the business account.” He picked up a stack of papers and was looking at them he started to read off dates and the amount of money taken out. “December 3rd one hundred and three dollars, December 7th one hundred and fifty dollars, December twelfth two hundred dollars.”
I interrupted him still shaking my head saying that I have no idea what he is talking about that I have never taken any money from the business account.
I could see his face become deep red he threw his papers and yelled “god dammit Claire who else would have taken this money. Who else would have even needed this much money.” He came closer to me I took a step back towards hitting the door with no where else to go. He stood a step away from me.
He said again “claire why didn’t you tell me you were taking money from the business account?”
I was so scared I didn’t think that I would be able to say anything but I managed to whisper “I didn’t take any money from the business account.” I seen him raise his hand. I hear the slap before I feel it. I’m bending off to one side holding my face willing back the tears. He takes a couple of steps back. I look at him and I see the look in his eye. He had a confused scared look on his face.
He stuttered then said “I I’m sorry claire I don’t know what got into me there I didn’t mean to hit you. I drop my hand from my face and look at him one more time I could feel the tears filling my eyes. I turn to the door opening it before I stepped out he said “I love you claire I hope you know that I will never do anything like that again.”
I paused and said very quietly “I know.” I walked out and as soon as I shut the door tears ran down my face and I slide down the door pulling my knees to my chest crying. How could this night go from perfect to this. More importantly who would have taken the money from the business account.
As I pondered the thought I could hear a murmur coming from behind the door. I wiped my eyes and then shook my head as I stood up. Thinking to myself that I was so over this. Why would my own husband think that I was taking money out of an account that we worked so hard to build up? Why would he not believe me? I went and got in the shower and I was getting out and beginning to get dressed when I heard the door click open. I could hear him step closer but I just continued to get dressed. I heard his footsteps stop and he said my name. As I finished pulling my nightgown over my body I turned around. He was standing there staring at me. I asked him what he wanted and he took a step closer and pulled me into a hug. As he pulled away just enough for me to see his face I seen his bloodshot eyes. As he spoke I could smell the alcohol on his breath. He told me that he never meant to hit me and that he was sorry. He said that he would never lay a hurtful hand on me again. As I nodded my head he pulled me into another hug. I promised myself that if he ever laid another hand on me again I would leave him. I seen the way my mom was treated by my dad and I told myself that I never wanted to be treated like that.
As we got into bed he said that he thinks that he knows who was taking the money from the account. He said that he would get to the bottom of it tomorrow. I just simply said good. Then I rolled over to my side and my back was facing him. A couple of minutes later I felt his side of the bed moving and then he put his arm around me and pulled me close.
It’s time like these where I know I should feel loved but right now I feel alone and a million miles away from anyone. He doesn’t understand what it is that I am going through. He doesn’t seem to get the confusion of what went on tonight or the buried feelings that I have stored inside after all these years. In fact the more I think about it he doesn’t understand anything. I truly believe that all he cares about is himself. He doesn’t really care about how I feel. He doesn’t ask me if I’m alright or how my day is going all he does is ask if I got the list he gave me for that day done and what’s for dinner.
Sometimes I wonder how I put up with him this long. Yet then again I know that I love him. I know that I would devote my life to him. I meant that’s what I gave when I said I do. I gave him my life. I gave him my heart. I was agreeing with him that I would bend over backwards to please him. I made the commitment and I stepped up and told him that I wanted to be with him forever.....why? Because I love him. I truly believe I do but right now nothing seems to make sense. It’s like I went through everything before in a blur and now all I do is go through days feeling numb. Like I have zero control over what I do. Maybe that’s how life is supposed to be. Maybe I was just the one to not get the memo. I know that I won’t be able to sleep tonight I keep thinking that somehow when I do finally fall asleep that I will wake up and realize why I came to love him in the first place.
I remove his arm from around me and get up. I turn around and look at the man that I have loved from the day that I said I do till now for reasons that I don’t understand. I don’t get what it is that I’m feeling. Yet it leaves me wondering how does he feel? Does he still love me like he did five years ago? What happened between then and now. Why has everything seem to fall out of place. I can’t push all these thoughts from my mind so I know that I won’t get any sleep. I go down stairs and I make myself a pot of coffee. I pour a cup and go out to the living room to sit on the couch.
Henry entered the room and asked “is everything alright?” I looked up startled I didn’t hear him come downstairs.
I nodded my head and said “yeah I just couldn’t sleep is all.”
He comes over to the couch and sits down next to me and says “are you sure that’s all?”
I look straight forward and take a long drink of my coffee trying to decide what to say next. I bring my coffee away from my mouth and I look at him and say “I don’t know what I think anymore.”
He has a confused look on his face and said “what exactly do you not know about anymore?”
I swallowed really deep and said “all night I have been questioning whether you still love me like you did the day we said I do. Or if maybe somewhere along the way we both fell out of love with each other.”
He turns to me and said “if all this has to do with my hitting you, you know that I didn’t mean to do that I just lost control of my temper. I would never do anything to hurt you ever again. I do love you. In fact I love you even more than the day I said I do.”
I felt tears filling in my eyes. I blinked and felt a tear run slowly down my face and said “sometimes I get the feeling that you don’t feel the same way you did. There are a lot of things that we used to do and we don’t do them anymore. I miss having time with you by myself. Every time we have some time it gets scheduled with something for your business and I respect that you need to work on your business but I believe that family should come first and we are a family. I want to have kids sometime in my life I want to be a mother. I want to love you with a certainty that I don’t have to question one day what it is that I love about you.”
He clears his throat and says “ well I never knew that you wanted children you never said anything.”
I nod and say “well I thought that maybe you would just assume that I want to start a family that I would want kids whether I say I do or not. I want to be able to have a fight with you and know that when I go to bed at night I can kiss you goodnight no matter how mad we are.”
He smiles and says “I will take into consideration that you want kids and I would love nothing more than to go to sleep mad and know that in the morning I will be over it and I can wake up beside you.” He grabs my arm and pulls me towards him and I hug him.
He pulls away first telling me that my arms feel cold.
I just smile and say “well if I had a man that would start this fire for me I wouldn’t be so cold.
He gets up and starts the fire and comes back over to the couch sitting down. I lean against him and he puts an arm around me I stretch the rest of my body across the couch. I finish my coffee and set the cup down. Sometimes I wonder what he is thinking about. I look up at him and he is watching the fire but then he looks down at me smiling.
As if to read my mind he says “I think that having kids would be nice.”
I stare intently into his deep green eyes thinking the same thing as him. He leans down and kisses me. At first it was just a thought but the thought grew into more than just that. It grew into what turned out to be a big problem. Even though we have yet to sort out all of our differences we can at least live in the moment of time. And as time went on we started a family. Or at least we tried to start a family. Three months in I went into the doctor with henry. When we got there the doctor laid me down and started the ultrasound. He asked how far along I was. I told him it was about three months now. His expressions immediately changed after that. He had a worried look on his face. I looked up at Henry hoping for a little bit of strength but all I got was a scared expression as he started at the screen. The doctor kept looking for the baby inside but found nothing. He put the wand back on the cart and excused himself. When he left the room I looked at Henry and he still had on the worried expression but he kept telling me it would be alright. The doctor came back in a couple of minutes later. Henry helped me sit up holding my hand and the doctor sat in his chair. He cleared his throat and paused for a moment. Then he looked up and said that I had a miscarriage. That the baby just didn’t survive. I felt my heart drop. Henry looked over at me and I felt like I couldn’t move. Henry put his arm around me and the doctor said that he would give us a couple of minutes alone. When he walked out Henry turned me towards me and said that we will just try again. I shook my head and the tears started falling. I couldn’t stop them. I looked up at henry and said that it would do no good. That nothing in my life can seem to go right. He grabbed my chin so I was looking right at him and he said that I deserved this child I deserved everything in the world.
When we left the doctors office I was quiet the whole way home looking out the window. There is a new blanket of snow covering the world. I look through the windows of houses, one house I see a couple of kids running into the room to hug their mom and dad. I feel a tear roll down my cheek. As we roll past the stop sign Henry turns down the radio and grabs my hand looking over at me telling me that he loves me. I turn to him and tell him that I love him too. I see a bright light coming from behind him. I hear the crash before I feel the pain. And just like that everything is over. I guess when you die you die you don’t really have a life flash before your eyes it’s really just one moment in time. It was like a flash real quick. When you’re dead or at least dying you think to yourself that maybe everything in life had no meaning that really life is just one big joke. It’s hard to be happy in life when everything seems to be going wrong. Life isn’t about finding yourself, it’s about creating yourself.