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Not Another Summer Romance
I do not know how to act, how to feel, what to say, or even why I am so confused.
The first time I saw him, well, it wasn’t even the seeing.
I stole a quick glance and could simply feel him.
Just being in the same room, feeling and therefore knowing that he was shifting in his seat behind me, anxious to leave, but anxious to leave me?
I didn’t even know his name!
That was only the first day.
After wondering about him for another few days, I saw him again.
He spoke to me that day, asking me a question, and I, trying to act as if I had everything under control, nodded my head and replied,
“Sure,” my eyes straying from his face.
After all, I didn’t want to stare.
Every time we saw each other, we wouldn’t do anything.
I learned about him by listening and watching.
What a wonderful person and such a beautiful smile.
That is what I shall never forget.
Before, he would not speak to me very often and I started to wonder if he noticed me, if he was curious, like myself, if he, at all, was even interested.
I just kept wondering until that one day when he was left to help clean up.
It was actually my day, but still, he stayed until everything was finished.
Before he left, I mumbled a quick, “Thanks”, my eyes straying yet again from his intricate face.
But not soon enough to miss him flash a smile, a genuine one,
just for me.
Is it wrong to waste my days wondering?
Is it possible for a person to pretend that an aching passion is in fact not really present?
I used to be so sure about everything but now I sit here and all I see is his face.
All I remember is that moment he looked right at me and smiled the most magnificent smile I have ever seen.
But it didn’t start that way.
When I saw him for the first time, I couldn’t help but notice how gorgeous he looked on the outside.
As I observed, I saw someone who was reserved and possibly uninterested.
That is, until he locked eyes with me and we saw each other.
Before that moment, I wondered if everything he was doing was real.
He really didn’t notice me.
He really didn’t care to stop and talk or maybe it was just an act, his way of meaning that there was something hidden inside of him that wanted to know me.
How can it be that a simple boy could become so quickly the most beautiful being I ever saw?
I’ve never felt like this.
I’ve never known this.
I’ve never known what could be love.
I think of him when I am awake and dream of him while I sleep.
When I see him, I feel like I am glowing and simply cannot wipe the smile from my face.
His presence I can feel and to me it is comforting.
Now I just need to know
does he feel for me?
It is always the why that I do not understand.
This is unlike anything I have ever known.
Today he not only talked to me, but I talked to him.
What is this?
Call it what you want but I cannot shake him from my mind.
I have seen people, spoken to people, and found their company satisfying.
But this is so much more.
When I saw him and when he looked at me, I felt the joy explode within me.
I smiled back.
Was it my fault the conversation ended?
I wish I could do more.
I know this much now:
He notices me. He sees me.
But does he feel my presence as I feel his?
I want to learn all about him; I want him to know me.
But there is never a time when I am comfortable, when we are alone to speak of such things.
I wish everything was easier… to tell him that I notice, I feel him. I feel for him.
So I wonder, does he?
I cannot know if he feels me.
If he does nothing then nothing will happen.
Oh we live in a world where man rules—not just mankind—but a world where I will not have a chance unless he gives me one.
Soon, there will be no time left.
Soon, we will part, possibly, never learning about each other.
I want to know him; his hobbies, friends, family, adorations, customs, and I want to see his smile, every day.
I want to feel the joy inside me swell and explode.
I want him to feel my presence and then feel for me.
I want him and myself to become us, we, ours, together.
Yet, I am still here, wondering and
Of all the wants and needs I feel when I see him, none seem to dominate.
I wake from a dream of him and look in the mirror.
I just want somebody to hold me.
What sort of girl doesn’t have fantasies, daydreams, of the perfect day with the most perfect partner?
In my fantasy, we are at the homecoming game.
It doesn’t matter that we don’t go to the same school because we have the same team; combined—together.
He picks me up that night and we sit beside his friends and mine, his school and my school.
The game starts but we are not paying attention.
We look as if we are watching just as intensely as the person next to us, but actually, we are soul-speaking to each other.
He is holding my hand and I can feel through him.
We revel in the joy our presence brings—his to me and mine to him.
At half-time our team is up by 14, no surprise, naturally.
He buys me an ice-cream and I purchase his favorite candy.
The fourth quarter has just started and we are tied.
With only minutes left in the game, I know that it is now or never.
I pull him close and say,
“I have to tell you a secret.”
He smiles that special smile, one saved just for me, and leans in.
I whisper to him,
“I love you.”
I am shaking all over and he holds my shoulders steady.
He looks at me and I feel his soul speaking.
Then he pecks me ever so gently and says,
“I know. I love you, too.”
And then, with 25 seconds left in the game, we score.
The crowd goes crazy, jumping out of their seats, but we just sit there.
He is holding both of my hands and we are smiling,
which is actually soul-speak for
I love you.
I’ve never had a first date before.
Maybe that means my fantasy might not be so accurate.
We are at the movies and he buys two tickets for some film that really isn’t too popular, but I had agreed so it didn’t matter.
We stop by the concessions to buy a snack and I ask him what size popcorn he wants.
He says it should be big enough for the both of us but I interject that I’m not really into popcorn.
So I get his favorite candy, instead.
I also buy myself some dip ‘n dots on my way back from the bathroom.
Of course he tried to pay, but I wouldn’t let him.
Now we’re watching the movie but things don’t seem right.
We are much too bored to be having a good time.
He notices me shifting my eyes from the screen to the little boy shaking his leg across the aisle.
He asks me if we should leave and I hesitate.
But he says he doesn’t mind and takes my hand to lead me to the door.
We are walking around the mall and just talking.
I say that this is what I’d rather be doing.
He agrees and I wonder if he is only going along with me to make me happy.
But then, he smiles that special smile, MY smile, and then I know he would rather just be spending time with me,
Every day I pray that I would have the strength to show him how I feel.
I hope I didn’t ruin anything today because I told him, “Thanks for helping” and he said, “No problem.”
Then there was this terrible awkward silence when I said something else again.
He replied, saying more, but I think I ruined everything again by acting depressed and saying how stressed I am or would be.
I don’t think that is the way these conversations should go.
I also said goodbye too soon.
I was ready to leave and said, “Well…” with a pause but I guess he wasn’t done yet.
Everything is not coming together like I had hoped.
This makes me wonder if instead of showing my interest, I showed I was uninterested.
If that is what I did, I have ruined everything I could hope for.
If only I could just make sure he knows that I am here and I am dwelling in agony, waiting to discover what he thinks of me.
But if he knew what I dreamed of for us, what would he conclude?
Sometimes I wonder if I am better off not seeing men at all.
But other times, like this, I just would not give up this feeling of complete invincibility when I see his face.
I don’t feel for him because of his face, though.
I feel for him because I am curious; I want to see what is behind that wonderful face and show him who I am.
Everything is tearing apart.
I have no clue if I will ever have another chance to see him.
I wonder what impression I made on him, or if I made one at all.
What if, after all this is over, he doesn’t even remember who I am?
What if, even though I worked so hard to show him my interest, he simply passes me by as any other girl?
And now, I feel as if all my chances are gone.
They left me before I could even notice.
All of my fantasies will only be fantasies.
All of my dreams will only be dreams.
All of my feelings and thoughts I had for him will still remain, secret and unnoticed.
So now, I wonder if this was just a waste of time.
There were plenty of other things I could have been doing instead of swooning this boy
I could have stopped trying a long time ago.
I wonder if all this heartbreak could have been avoided if I had just turned away that day I first saw him.
None of this would have happened to me.
I see how everything is tearing apart.
I am slowly turning into pieces.
And as far as I know, there is not one who will notice.
And when my pieces are no more, I feel like all my efforts, and I, will be forgotten.
Was this all really worth it in the end?
So much for a
Two days, forty-eight hours, much too long to even think about.
It pains me to remember that my chances have expired.
And though it is only two days since I last saw him, it will undoubtedly become more with no hope of another glance at his face.
I do not want to forget but already he does not appear in my mind while I am awake.
He does not weave through my dreams while I slumber.
What will happen to my memories if I cannot keep them alive?
But which is better: to remember in endless agony or to forget that what could have been is now impossible?
Time must tell because my head is too foggy to think straight.
Always, this seems to happen to me.
I will come up with these wonderful fantasies and countless hopes only to result in another loss.
I know, though, that I do not forget a single one of them.
Though my feelings may have vaporized, my memories of the feelings are as strong as the day I had them.
But this time, I honestly do not want to forget my memories or let the feelings burn out.
To keep the fire burning, I will endure the pain, I will.
And until time can tell me what next to do, I will not stop.
I have been known to lack the person’s essential common sense.
But today, I may have very well found just what I needed to know.
While the storms rage outside my window, the world inside of me is calm.
I feel not sadness, not pain, not envy, or loss.
But if anything it would be a touch of anger surrounded by satisfaction.
Anger at myself because I know that I know much better.
Anger because I have found that common sense and it has told me what a waste of time this all has been.
And anger because, simply, it is the opposite of joy, which I most definitely do not feel.
There is satisfaction, though.
I know I am lucky this was so short-lived.
Satisfaction because it is all finally finished.
No more worries, no more wishes, and no more wondering about “what-ifs”.
I have forgotten the feelings but kept tight to the memories to remind myself that my time will come.
And I can wait.
As for now, I’ve much better things to pour my heart and soul into.
My dose of common sense has hit me, and it is saying that
I can wait.
“This will certify that the above work is completely original.” ~Caroline Sell