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October 17th, 2010 5:58 PM
I got a lot accomplished today; trying not to think of you. You, living in NYC. You, the guy who hasn’t called me in five weeks; no doubt incredibly mad; furious with me for breaking your heart. You, the guy who hasn’t returned any of my texts.
You, the guy who has blocked me on Facebook, denied all my e-mails, and probably sent all of my phone calls directly to voicemail on purpose; and now I can’t even send you text messages because you’ve blocked my number.
So I’ve resulted to what every other heartbroken romantic has: old-fashioned letters.
I wish we could’ve stayed best friends, Ethan.
I miss your smile.
I went to the grocery store and I got three cases of iced tea, a package of double stuff Oreos and the biggest jar of Jiff’s peanut butter I could find. Your favorites. Though I’m sure you know that, now don’t you.
I thought of you.
I miss your smile.
I did the dishes and took out the wonderful little puppy you got me for my birthday; two weeks before you left; before we had fought; before I had broken your heart.
It was the one and only birthday of mine we had spent together; in love. Just best friends, and yet, everything and anything more than just best friends. I named her Waffles.
I took her for a four mile walk. You should see her now; she’s so big. I’m sure you would have loved seeing that; her grow up.
Aren’t you proud of me? I used to be so lazy. You inspired a lot in good in me, if you can’t tell.
I miss your kisses.
I’m sure you haven’t listened to any of my voicemails; sure you have deleted them all, in fact, so I’ll tell you here. I’m working from home now. I couldn’t take those highly claustrophobic, tinny little cubicles anymore. You always told me to go after what I wanted. So I did. They didn’t fire me, either—just like you said they wouldn’t.
I watched TV; I even watched your favorite show, despite hating it; The Office. All of the episodes. It’s taken me close to four weeks to work my way through all of the seasons, but I did it. I caved. I miss you too much. And your favorite TV shows; your favorite foods, are the closest I’ll ever be to you again. Guess what? I’m completely infatuated with The Office now; just like you told me I would be.
I worked my way through a sliver and a half of the double stuff Oreos while working and watching The Office, which I, of course, completely immersed them in peanut butter just like you always used to do[Do you still do that?] and I successfully got all of my work done for the day for once in my life.
You inspired the new me, you know. The one who gets everything done and goes after what she wants and finally gets it; except for you. I’ll never have you again.
That’s it. I can’t do this anymore, okay? I have to tell you. I can’t stop thinking about you. I tried; I tried to be successful today and tried my hardest to think of anything and everything but you. But I can’t. You’re all I think about, anymore.
I miss a lot about you.
I miss your weird cravings.
I miss our magical friendship—our even more magical Potential Boyfriend/Girlfriend relationship.
I miss your hugs.
I miss your clothes.
I miss your cologne.
I miss your apartment.
I miss your wonderfully warm, only-extra-large-on-me sweatshirts.
I miss you playing guitar for me.
I miss you singing me to sleep, even at 3AM when any normal Potential Boyfriend would have cursed at me and hung up. But I’m all alone now.
I miss texting you all day, every day.
I miss our “Goodnight. I love you. You have to hang up first, I don’t wanna hang up on you. I hate hanging up on you.” “No, you hang up first. I don’t wanna be the bad guy in our best-friend-friendship!” “No. You. I can’t bear to hang up on you.” “NO. You HAVE to hang up.” “No. I love you more. Therefore, you have to hang up first.” “Fine. I love you. Please don’t hate me for hanging up on you. Goodnight.” Goodnight phone conversations. So much. You’ll never know how much I miss those; how often I replay them in my mind at the time you used to call me, regularly, exactly on schedule, each night.
I miss squealing in excitement when my phone rings and it’s you; just when I always seemed to need you the most. But why isn’t my phone ringing now, then? I need you the most. Why can’t you call me? I need you.
I miss your arms wrapped around me.
I miss your “I love you’s”.
I miss you.
There. I said it.
I miss you.
Do you miss me?
You wanna know the one thing I don’t miss? Loving you. Because I love you more right now than I ever though I possibly ever could have believed was possible.
I wish you still loved me.
I wrote this letter, bawling my eyes out. I thought of you. I missed you. I sealed this letter. I thought of you. I missed you.
While you taught me a lot of things and encouraged and inspired a lot within me, you can’t be here now to encourage and inspire me to stop being a baby and mail you this letter; so I continue to be infuriated at myself for never being able to get up the audacity to send you this letter.
I thought of you.
I miss you.
I wish we could have worked. I wish I hadn’t lost my best friend and my boyfriend all at once. I think of you. Every day, all day, and it can’t be stopped. I miss you, best friend.
I love you.
Your Best Friend.
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September 8th, 2011 6:34 PM
I didn’t get a response to that letter until a year later. When I had completely forgotten about him; given up that he would ever love me; let alone even talk to me.
He replied to my letter.
If you’re still willing; if you still even remember me, anything at all about me, I’m willing to give this a shot again. Best Friend; Boyfriend, whatever you’ll take me as, I’ll be for you. I can’t be without you, I’ve learned. This last year and month and a half (yes, I have, in fact, been counting. I’ll give you an exact day amount I have been without you, just to prove that I really have been counting, if you’d like) without you has been unbearable.
I needed time to think; you were right. Of course. You’re always right.
I’ll be whatever you want me to be. I just need you. I hope you still need me.
Your Best Friend (Or Potential Boyfriend. Whichever you prefer),
Ethan.
We’ve been together for six months now. Boyfriend and Girlfriend and Best Friends. It’s the best of both worlds.