I still remember the first day I noticed A. I stared at them from a distance, not being able to take my eyes off of them. How could somebody be so gorgeous? They looked like they were from a Monet painting, the definition of Spring and astonishing. But I wasn’t allowed to love them. That would shatter me into pieces. So I admired them from afar, wondering if I would’ve been able to love them if I was born as a different person. 

I saw them almost every day, and it seemed like I discovered a new beauty in them every time I did. Over the course of a month, I noticed that A had a dimple on their left cheek, light brown freckles surrounding their nose, and a ring around their thumb. I was never able to confess my feelings for them though, too scared of how society would view me, how A would view me. I cried every night, wishing that my crush on A would disappear. Wishing that I could love someone that my family and society views as normal. 

Fast forwarding to summer, I started talking to A. I was able to make a connection with them, love them from a closer distance. We walked along the beach, giddy from all the energy drinks we chugged that hot summer morning, sweat dripping down my shirt. 

“Hey, A?” I finally said as we admired the sunset. It looked like a watercolor painting, a mix of orange and pink with white fluffy clouds. 

“Yeah?” They responded. 

“I think I like you,” I muttered. 

A’s eyes widened, and their gaze turned to me.

“I’m sorry. I tried to not like you, I really did. I’m sorry,” I continued, holding back tears. “But I can’t deny it anymore. I just wanted to let you know, so you can stop being friends with me if you need to. I know we can’t love each other as freely as you might desire to,” I said.

It was dead silent for a minute, and I expected A to run back to the parking lot, away from me. Away from my feelings. But they didn’t.

“I like you too, and I want to make this work,” they said, and my heart started beating fast, feeling a mixture of hope and fear.

“But we need to keep this a secret, right?” They whispered in my ear, and I nodded. 

We held hands underneath the moon that day, and I was the happiest I’ve ever been. 

After that day, we talked day and night, and held each other underneath the stars when everyone else was home. We were too scared to love each other freely, not ready to reveal our true selves to the world. But maybe one day, as A told me, we would be able to hold hands underneath the sun, not the moon.