I let a small groan escape my throat as soon as I took the needle out. It feels so good to have this feeling again, to feel like I’m floating on clouds while swimming in an ocean of soft leaves of silk. The needle rolls off my unclutched hands and cascades against the worn out carpet. If I were to really describe what I saw right now, Crystal would tell me I’m delusional and give me the sweet-but-serious death glare that I loved. God, she’d tell me I was an absolute idiot lovingly. And that the pink cluster of stars that were embracing my ripped jeans were actually bath salts and then gently help me off the bathroom floor while clutching her nose from the dubiously strong odor that was coming off my body. Then she’d pace me to our room, an arm over my shoulder and sit me down on the bed, in front of the large window that displayed the ominous palette of black that blanketed the twinkling city lights. She would kneel down and talk to me like I was a child, but not in the condescending tone. No, her voice was like a soothing melody, and she’d always be sitting and talking to me about constellations that the place we lived in tried to hide so hard, until I fell asleep on her shoulder.

But she’s gone now. I drove her away, and now I can’t do anything but regret it. I feel the tears starting to sting my eyes, even though I’m trying so hard to hold them back. I don’t deserve to cry, not after what I told her tonight, last year. It’s already been a year since she left, and here I am, sitting cross-legged on the floor, miserably letting tears fall drop by drop, hoping the morphine would takeover and just let me live through this one day. So that maybe this gaping void in me stops growing and leaving scars in its trail. Maybe so that I can forget how I left her on the brim of madness when I kept accusing her of cheating, and how she just went ahead and deleted three years of a relationship in an instant, although I deserved it after the hell I put her through. Maybe so I can forget the eerie silence that I stood quietly in, the tables overturned and vases shattered into a dozen different pieces as I realized I wanted her to leave me all along. Maybe it’s because I knew that she was too good for someone as damaged as me and that I had gotten lucky someone like her even wanted me, some dumb shit who made a living as a broke out artist while she was out there saving lives in hospital halls. I wanted to forget her beautiful laughter which came as naturally as her beauty inside and out. Crystal did the one thing that everyone else in my life never even came close to doing; she gave me company and a chance to truly be myself, without looking down on me. She saved me, I thought, she saved me from a life of my worst fear. Those joyously lived moments in the early stages of our relationship, however, were short-lived.

Perhaps it’s because of that, that I realized we were never meant to work out. As cliche as it sounded to me, I was a broken piece of a whole, while she was a whole piece who wanted to give. I didn’t understand why I felt so unhappy when I saw her next to me when I woke up, to the point where I was mad at myself. I never had this kind of affection in my life, so much that I almost thought that the amount of adoration she gave felt like a charity donation. I despised that feeling, and it was from that point on that I narrowly decided she was cheating on me because no one could ever love me this much. My obsession to accuse her of doing me wrong like everyone else grew every second after I came up with this idea, and for the final two years of us, she endured whatever abuse I tossed at her. From insults to the occasional physical hits, she just absorbed it all with no complaint, claiming that she loved me no matter what in her confusion to my behavior and how drastically it changed. Those words aggravated me more. How dare she say that while loving someone other than me? I saw constant fear in her eyes which I thought were coated with a false sense of love, not questioning the absurdity of the whole ordeal. I grew furious to the extent that I wouldn’t look at her anymore because of my stupid thoughts and spite. I didn’t try to control aspects of her life like you’d expect someone who was suspicious of their spouse cheating, because I knew deep down I wanted her to just turn around and go. Go find a better life with someone who society would approve her to be with. So that she could walk hand in hand with a woman who suited her instead of someone such as myself, one with nothing to my name, body, nor existence. Someone rooted to the ground and not a balloon about to snap off the surface of Earth and soar off to nowhere. I loved her too much to let her come with me on my journey down a rabbit hole of suicide and drugs so I pushed her out as hard as I could, deluding myself so that I could blame her on the surface and burn with the guilt that she won’t feel inside. I just didn’t know that it would ache this much after the breakup. That pain could even last this long.

It was on the twenty-sixth of March that we fell apart. I slammed baseless accusations one after another, giving her no leg room to explain herself, as her expression slowly changed the deeper we fought. It wasn’t long before she finally cracked. In all those three years she let out a howl in retaliation, her rage bursting like a firecracker, fizzling with a light I saw for the first time. She threw anything and everything in a meters radius of her, screaming about all the shit she had to put up with because of me, crying out in a mixture of exhaustion, anger, sadness, and disappointment, like how I imagined it. She marched past me one last time, her head facing me with blank but emotional eyes.

“Give me a reason to stay. Please”

I turned a cold shoulder and directed my eyes out the window at the fiery magenta ombre that made it seem like the sky was on fire. A few seconds later, she walked out, and her pained expression was my last memory of her. Crystals steps left almost no noise as she closed the apartment door behind her. No bags, clothing or anything, she left simply like that. For a moment I stood in the silence of our--no my room, and watched the sun set until a navy blue hue took its place in the atmosphere. All I could feel was numb, and that's how I felt about anything after that day. I thought I would be relieved knowing that she would find better people and that I would be just a bad experience, but all I could feel was this rip in my chest expanding and choking me against my will. It hurt to do the right thing, but now I’m glad I did it. Now there's nothing holding me back.

Today is March twenty-six, and it is eleven o’five. I dry my cheeks and stand up, the blood quickly rushing to my legs, tripping me over. I get up more carefully this time, using the sink for balance. The last of Crystals belongings I shipped over to her sister's house, knowing that she wouldn’t have returned for it. It was good that she knew what was the best for her, staying away from me. I would have collapsed before her, pathetically begging for her back if I saw her face ever again, only to bring her misery again. There was nothing that reminded me of the person I loved here any longer, no scent or trail holding me back. I am free. There is no one holding me back because she was the last one I loved who loved me. She’s gone, and I can’t seem to find any reason to live anymore. There is no purpose in my life, no one to bring happiness to, not even myself. The scars on my wrist prove that, as well as the mental degradation I do to myself. No matter how hard I try, I never ended up helping anyone my entire lifetime. So, why am I still here?

I walked over to the wide set glass windows and pushed my hands against it to open it up. My body was officially on autopilot from here. I put one foot over the other and sat on the ledge of the window, the wind from being twenty stories high wildly whipping my hair. The air was pleasant although the stars and moon were hidden nonetheless by the city and its clouds. I peer down, watching small lights navigating its way on the roads, like ants traveling in and out of its colony, as they moved relentlessly.  I chuckled at the fact this was considered the land of opportunity when really it’s just trash disguised as treasure here. I glance back up at the dark infinite night. The stars will definitely have a place for me, right?

I jump.