The morning sun pierces through my blinds making my eyes burn and open. Ugh, school.  I slip out of bed; wrapping my too large sweatshirt around me. My cold feet touch the wood floors sending a shock wave of “good morning” to my brain. Mom greets me with a big smile and a huge stack of pancakes, my favorite. I finish off the pancakes feeling sick and gross. I think to myself frustratingly, why, why did I eat all of those. I hit my head and ascend up the stairs. I happily go into the shower, my safe place. I love the feeling of the warm water rushing down my  “body”. I exit the shower and put a little of this and that upon my face hoping it covers up my dark circles under my eyes. I pull on a pair of dark jeans, and a plain white tee- shirt. I look in the mirror and see my smile fade away. Ugly, trying too hard, fat, I picture those word's being thrown across the hallways. I sigh, grab my boring old everyday shawl and wrap it around me. I pull my hair out of my ponytail and feel it fall down past my ears. Safe, now I am safe “ Love you mom!” I call out as I catch the bus.

Part one of the humiliation process. I slide into my seat, prop my bag up, and take out my book. I lean my head low, never making eye contact. People stare. The bus stops, and I clench my jaw, Carrie Kooper; the perfect girl, pretty, no,  gorgeous, smart, but a total B!$!%@. Despite my uncomfortable squirming, she sits down next to me. She looks me up and down and snickers. Stop it I say, just leave me alone, except I don’t say it aloud only in my head. “ Rumour has it you have a little crush on my boyfriend, I mean like I totally get it.” She chuckles.

“ Uhh..” The words don’t come out, humiliating me even more. I shut my eyes tight and reopen them hoping she would disappear. I cross my arms harder across my chest and sit there until we arrive at school.

During the first period, I hide behind my long brown hair. Carrie sits two rows down from mine next to her minions, they have names, but I just call them thing one and thing two. I hear my name being tossed between them. They giggle sometimes turning back to look at me, and then they laugh even more. I look down hoping they will just leave me alone. The bell rings, a wave of kids pull me out of the classroom and through the hallway until I finally break free and step into English class. I look in, Carter; he is cute, tall, athletic, my dream boy, but he is also the boyfriend of Carrie. I take my seat and spend the whole class gawking at him. I am so low for doing this, knowing that he doesn’t even know that I even exist. The bell signals the end of my staring session and the time for History, where I not only have Carter there but Carrie too. I walk slowly to my seat in the back hoping I attract no attention, it doesn't work. It happens in slow motion, a red sneaker, my stumble, my fall. , sending my books, and of course my love letter and drawing of Carter flying too that were tucked in my binder! I hit the ground hard, most definitely bruising my knee. I want to cry and run, but don’t. I scurry around trying to collect my things before anyone sees anything, too late. “ Will you look at this, ha, no way. Riley, I think you like my boyfriend even more than I do. Oh will you look at this, you drew you two holding hands, how cute!” Carrie shows to everyone. My face starts to heat up, and my eyes get watery. “ Oh poor Riley, blushing over her high school crush!” Kids abrupt in laughter. I run out of the room, feeling hot tears stream down my face. I slam the bathroom door closed, and sit down in the first stall. I cup my hands in face and sit there until there is a knock on the door. “ Um, Riley.” Oh thank god, it’s Mehgan, my best and only friend. I crawl out of the stall, my eyes droopy and nose running. She doesn't say anything and neither do I. She holds out her arms and I collapse in them. We sit there in the bathroom until the bell rings and she says, “ You’ll get through this.” I nod hoping that is the truth. I head out of the bathroom, and walk slowly to lunch, but stop realizing that I forgot my lunch.

At my locker someone taps my shoulder, I whirl around and am shocked by who stands in front of me, Carter. “ Hey Riley, about today, um… Look I’m really sorry. Carrie I know she’s mean, but…”

“ You know, it’s fine.” My hands get sweaty, I hide them behind my back and try to play it cool.

“ No, it’s not, look…”

“ Baby.” Carrie butts in wrapping her arms around Carter, she kisses him extra long and with extra tongue. Obviously, she is trying to make me jealous. I turn back to my locker, attempting to zone them out. Finally, Carter pushes her back, Carrie smiles at me and turns on her heel, flailing her strawberry blonde hair at me. Carter looks hesitant, but turns away and jogs to catch up with Carrie.

*  * *

I lay in my bed, staring at my solar system glow in the dark stickers above my bed, why does he stay with her? He must be miserable.

Waking up today, I felt no different than any other day. I got dressed, put my hair up, but then let it drape down past my ears. I sit on the bus alone like always and wait until we arrive at school. Durning history, Carrie tries to trip me again, but I step over it avoiding the humiliation today. She glares at me, and stands up, “ Everyone, wanna hear a little secret about Riley here.” She points her finger at me, I duck my head low and cross my arms harder across my chest. I shut my eyes tight, someone grabs my arm, I look up, Carter. He pulls me in and his lips touch mine, mine touch his back. We kiss. He spins me around. I feel like I’m floating, and that no one else is here. Then it happens my hands fall down, and I let loose. He stops, “  Hey let’s get out of here.” I nod. We walk, my hands are not on my chest but, weaved in between his. I say wait and run into the bathroom, pull out a brush and comb my hair back and up. I look in the mirror and smile, I see not only me but, hair above my ears me, hands not across my chest me, me. I run back into the hallways and link my hands in between his. He turns to me. My stomach drops was the hair too much? He looks likes he is about to say something but downs. We stop again. He turns and looks at me, this time he says. ‘’ Something different about you.” He pauses. “ Your hair, it looks nice. I think it's the first time I have ever seem your ears, they are cute.” I blush. I know that is sappy that I change because a boy, but now I know I am worth it and no one can stop me. I am me, a beautiful confident me.