Have you ever been asphyxiated? As if you've fallen into the ocean, trying to find your way to the surface. The water along your body, the waves pulling you deeper into its depths, the sand pushing Its way into your eyes. You pop your head up and take and deep breath in and choke, the water spilling out of your mouth, salty. But It's you. And you always do it to yourself. You need to just let it go. It's not worth it, he's not worth it.

I’m wasting my time.

And I pull myself back up to the surface, but I am miles from the shore. I look around frantically, as I try to swim, but I become exhausted, sluggish. I’ve forgotten what I’d came for.

And then it hits me like lightening, my hair becomes staticy as I panic. I look around and feel and shockwave like I've been struck. Shivers rumbling down my spine, And I cannot move.

I'm like the waves, I keep kissing the shoreline, and the shore keeps pushing me away. Yet… I keep returning in hopes that it will accept me. And in never does. It keeps pushing me away. I've never felt closer to mother nature.

Maybe mother nature, she is hurting just as I am. And she's giving us clues… clues that we all have never noticed until you sit and think. Maybe she and the earth used to be lovers. Tears cascading to the dirt, making the earth wet. She weeps. He moans. And they create a gorgeous disaster. Unexplained natural phenomena as if they had been fighting since before Christ, And the earth, as gravity tries to pull her closer, and yet still rejects her. And it is so painful for her, that she wreaks havoc. Maybe… maybe, she is a tad bit psychotic.

Well, then I can relate to her more than I had thought.

And then I sit and think of him and give myself for reasons why, and it's like whiplash, I fell from ten thousand feet in the air, and as I was falling I felt my life flash before my eyes, as I sent myself down in slow motion. And then, I smacked my head against the water. Although, this time, I had been dragged down by something unknown and powerful. My arms, they struggled for the surface. But It became dark. And I couldn't find my way. All I felt was something… something was pulling me. I struggled for air. My hands clasped over my mouth. I kicked my feet in a sporadic, feint like direction from lack of air. Asphyxiation. Oxygen. Breath. None.

My eyes widened, trying to scream. I began to inhale all that I could, water. If you're underwater… nobody can ever hear you scream.

I fought, and I pulled at the arms holding me down, I tried tearing at them, but he grasped harder. I swung my arms in frustration. My tears had been drowning the ocean away. Salted tears adding to mother nature’s. Maybe That's what made… everybody’s tears who ever…

Pain.

I saw my mother, and how she left me. My father and how he’d fight for me. How I broke my grandmother’s heart. The first kiss I’d ever had, and my last. This all happened as I tried swimming up, but was too weak to even lift my arms. The water began to fill my lungs as I inhaled once more. Little bubbles… they floated to the surface, and my eyes, they rolled to the back of my head. Life. Flashing. Water. Eyes. Wide. My heart almost gave out, but I had and ounce of fight left in me, and, and- all I could remember was as I managed to fight away- breaking away and I tried swimming- swimming, for the surface and I had barely managed to get halfway, and then everything, I swear it… It had all went black.

I loved him. And he's the one that killed me.