Toy Soldiers | Teen Ink

Toy Soldiers MAG

September 19, 2008
By Michelle Mar BRONZE, New York, New York
Michelle Mar BRONZE, New York, New York
1 article 0 photos 2 comments

“Why are you here, Vanessa?” asks the woman with the bun. Two blond ringlets fall behind her ears and I want to yank them, to see if they will straighten when you pull them.

“I don’t know,” I mumble. She looks at me irritably, pen poised like a dancer at the top of her notepad. “Because of my grandma,” I relent. My voice is hoarse. We have to drink tap water here, and I’m really an Evian kind of girl.

“Vanessa,” she says sternly. I hear the undertone in her voice: You know that’s not why. And I do, minimally. But I don’t speak. My ears are itching for the headphones that have filled them almost nonstop for the past two months. My eardrums quiver at the unnatural silence

“Here at Horizons, the first step toward mental health is taking responsibility for your actions,” she lectures. I tune her out, mentally rapping what I can remember of Eminem’s latest. She leans forward and for a second I think she’s going to slap me. She doesn’t, though. She just looks me hard in the eyes. “You do want to get out of here, don’t you, Vanessa?”

I don’t understand why headphones have to be contraband.

I am one of only two non-suicidal patients. The other one is here for reasons I don’t understand. He raps Eminem in the halls too, but with a fierceness I can’t quite muster, talking back to counselors and swearing at the receptionists. I just don’t care that much.

My tray of kosher vegan-friendly cuisine has two Lexapros and one Topamax where the milk carton should go. All around the room, kids take their medicine like candy, joking as the pills dissolve on their tongues in smears of pink and white. I take mine quietly in a single gulp. I’m not practiced enough yet to swallow them dry.

After lunch, everyone gets up and silently moves the table to the side and pushes the chairs into a circle. A counselor enters, his glasses askew. I reach up automatically to check that mine are in place, but then remember that they took them and issued me contacts. They said glass is unsafe, that even if I don’t want to hurt myself, someone else might ask me to help them.

I wouldn’t though. I’m not here to cater to someone else’s agenda, to play Kevorkian to their wounded souls.

A girl with a bandaged wrist nudges me. Time for group.

“Hi, my name’s Natalie, and I’m here because I slit my wrists.”

“Hi, Natalie,” we chorus. I mouth the words because if I say something out loud, that means I’m here.

The rapper boy is next. He’s wearing black nail polish. From before, I guess. “Hi, my name’s Randy, and I’m here because I pushed my father down the stairs.”

“Hi, Randy.”

It goes like that for a few more people. Then it’s my turn. “Hi,” I say. This is only my second time in group, and this is the first time we’ve had to say why we’re here. Before, we just had to say how long. “My name’s Vanessa, and I’m here because I hit my grandmother with a chair.”

There is an uncomfortable silence. Suddenly my pride is leaking away, my remorseless acceptance of my actions crumbling at my feet. “She’s, like, 50,” I snap. “And she goes to the gym. I mean, she’s, like, this big,” I say, holding my hands as far apart as they can go. “Don’t get mental images of this weak old lady with, like, white hair. And the chair was ….”

“Vanessa,” the counselor says. “That’s enough.”

I realize that I am leaning forward. Abashedly, I slump back like a sullen child.

Newbies don’t get to watch TV, but Randy recaps it for me anyway. We’re not allowed in any rooms but our own without two counselors to supervise, so we lean against the reception desk. He tells me about some show on MTV. I tell him about how much I miss my books and computer. He tells me how badly he wants a cigarette.

What strikes me as more painful than anything is the fact that I don’t want to go home. I know I won’t do what I did again, but the circumstances will be the same. I’ll still be in my grandmother’s condo with my mother, who’s the reason why we can’t live in our house. My clingy brother will be there with his stupid stuffed snowman, and my grandmother will check the computer history to make sure I’m only going to kid-friendly sites.

The only company I want right now is Eminem’s. And failing that, Randy’s.

Or my father’s. But he’s in New York with his new girlfriend, and I … well, I’m not.

“So this one time,” Randy tells me, “I stole my cell phone from the nurses. And I was just standing there trying to think who to call. ’Cause who do you call when you’ve been stuck in a hospital for six months? I wanted to talk to everyone I knew. But I knew I had, like, ten seconds, so I ran to the bathroom and stood in the shower and turned the water on.”

“Who’d you call?” I ask urgently. That detail makes his whole story. I want him to say it was his dad, or his girlfriend, or his drug dealer. I want him to say that it was the most beautiful conversation he ever had.

But he picks at his nail polish and says, “This kid from my psych class. I asked him about the homework.”

I sit there, stunned.

“He was all, ‘Dude, you haven’t come to school in six months.’ I didn’t know what to say, so I hung up and gave the phone back to the nurses.”

“Wow,” I say quietly.

On my eighth day at Horizons, Randy and I find a small radio in the custodian’s closet. We search for Eminem songs for a good 20 minutes. Finally, we catch one, just as it’s winding down. We mouth the words that are bleeped out, and I stare into the blinking red light of the radio like I’ve suddenly recovered my sight after 30 years of blindness.

When I am discharged, my mother comes in her maroon minivan to pick me up. My brother is with her, clutching his stuffed snowman. Pens and pencils are contraband except in the common area, so that’s where Randy and I stand. We write our phone numbers on each other’s hands, though he tells me to send letters to Horizons “for now.”

I promise. My resolve crashes, and as my mother’s heels click past the reception area, I shudder. I’d rather stay at Horizons for seven years than go back with her. What hurts is that I can’t choose. I could fake a suicide attempt, but I know I won’t. Something in my face lets Randy know all of this. “Hey,” he says in that raspy way of his. “Hey. You be a soldier, okay? Don’t let them get to you this time. Be strong.”

I close my eyes. “Like Eminem,” I say quietly.

“Yeah,” he says. “Okay? Say it.”

“I’ll be strong,” I mutter.

“No,” he says seriously. “Say what I said. Say ‘I’ll be a soldier.’”

“I’ll be a soldier,” I promise.

Randy kisses me on the cheek. Casually, because that’s all we’ve ever been. “I know you will,” he says.

I walk to the car with my chin up. When my mother hands me my headphones with her familiar cluck of “I wish you wouldn’t listen to this,” I tune her out without any help from the music.

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This article has 246 comments.

on Apr. 1 2012 at 9:03 pm
MeHeartYou SILVER, Springfield, Virginia
5 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. i make mistakes, I'm out of control. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best! :)

While i was reading, i totally forgot about everything else around me. I really felt like i was there. Loved it :)

Puyruf said...
on Mar. 21 2012 at 6:56 pm
Puyruf, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
0 articles 0 photos 7 comments
Absolutely brilliant! It  seems so real. Please keep writing, I love this and can't wait to see more.

on Mar. 9 2012 at 10:03 am
Tongue_Blep PLATINUM, ????, Ohio
40 articles 1 photo 769 comments
Great detail! Loved this! :)(: Does anyone think they can join my RP called: The Power Of Secrets (A Dragon Riders Tale)? I only need two more people, and if anyone wants to be a bad dragon rider that works for the evil king, there are three slots. Thanks! (Sorry for advertising)

KatsK DIAMOND said...
on Feb. 6 2012 at 8:16 pm
KatsK DIAMOND, Saint Paul, Minnesota
57 articles 0 photos 301 comments

Favorite Quote:
Being inexhaustible, life and nature are a constant stimulus for a creative mind.
~Hans Hofmann
You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you.
~Ray Bradbury

OMG i've kinda wondered what this was like! good job the details were really good. you mad e me feel like i was there

eliana924 GOLD said...
on Jan. 25 2012 at 5:00 pm
eliana924 GOLD, New York, New York
11 articles 0 photos 116 comments
Wow! This is so chilling. You made it feel so realistic by not just telling things flat out but rather letting details slip in within the flow.

on Jan. 25 2012 at 1:20 pm
thatclarinetgirl12 BRONZE, Point Pleasant, West Virginia
2 articles 0 photos 15 comments

Favorite Quote:
"everybody is a genius, but if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing it's stupid."-Albert Einstein

This awsome! makes me feel bad since i almost went postal today when my friend wouldn"t tell me when he was going to return my mp3 player. I would never last that long without it. keep writting!

on Jan. 3 2012 at 9:16 pm
Def_Leppard_fan120 SILVER, Lake Lorane, Florida
5 articles 0 photos 72 comments

Favorite Quote:
If you want your dreams to come true, Make them come true. If you want to win, Make it a win.
The only one that is stopping you from accomplish your dreams is YOU.

Come and check out my article called THE BATTLE and comment on what you thought if it.

Nofie GOLD said...
on Dec. 31 2011 at 11:09 am
Nofie GOLD, Jericho, New York
17 articles 0 photos 3 comments
This is so good! I loved it :) however, agree with the previous comment where you switched tenses after you said, "Wow". Other than that, it was pretty amazing!

Kpalo14 SILVER said...
on Dec. 21 2011 at 11:26 am
Kpalo14 SILVER, Wilson, Michigan
9 articles 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
You don't know what you have until you've lost it. So treasure everything you do have and never let it go

really good article! made me really curious

on Dec. 12 2011 at 4:11 pm
NovemberPage BRONZE, Royersford, Pennsylvania
3 articles 0 photos 8 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage."

This is amazing! It's so mysterious and its has an intersting plot.

on Dec. 12 2011 at 3:15 pm
ArielleArmageddon PLATINUM, Charlotte, North Carolina
45 articles 0 photos 42 comments

Favorite Quote:
if i cant hear your heartbeat, you're too far away

im out of words. i reallllllly love this.

on Nov. 20 2011 at 11:50 pm
MarissaWhitecloud SILVER, Oskaloosa, Iowa
7 articles 0 photos 84 comments
I loved it!! Its so well constructed and beautifully put together!

on Nov. 20 2011 at 11:04 pm
PhoenixCrossing GOLD, Tinley Park, Illinois
14 articles 0 photos 178 comments
Its a really great story with a cute concept. I really liked ot. The only thing was that right in the middle, you awkwardly shifted tenses. And the end was kind of sudden. There was a clear beginning and end but really nothing important that happened in the mid cept randys one experience with his phone. Otherwise, great job and keep writing!

on Nov. 20 2011 at 1:39 pm
imaginer BRONZE, Carlisle, Massachusetts
3 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is a reality.

This is a great story- there's a lot left out, which makes it cool and mysterious. I would love to read more though! :)

Fia-fia BRONZE said...
on Nov. 1 2011 at 6:44 pm
Fia-fia BRONZE, Bethesda, Maryland
4 articles 1 photo 157 comments
I love this, very interesting! But in a good way... thank you :)

Bingbangbong said...
on Oct. 29 2011 at 6:34 pm
Bingbangbong, Boston, Massachusetts
0 articles 0 photos 2 comments
This is absolutely amazing writing! I love it.

on Oct. 12 2011 at 10:23 pm
They should make more like this

on Oct. 10 2011 at 11:35 am
Mortimer-Micheals-Jacob-Joyce GOLD, Edgar, Wisconsin
12 articles 0 photos 185 comments

Favorite Quote:
"And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel my pain
Just smile back"-Eminem

I love a good downer.  Your's is probably one of the best I have heard.  Nice job.

PunkForce said...
on Oct. 10 2011 at 11:19 am
PunkForce, Rural Hall, North Carolina
0 articles 0 photos 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
A friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.

I really liked it. You have a talent

on Oct. 7 2011 at 10:35 pm
expressionconfession GOLD, Cooper City, Florida
16 articles 0 photos 7 comments
well written and the perfect amount of detail and background info. not gunna lie, i glanced at the length and thought i wouldn't read it, but the first line or two kept me going to the end. so props to you :)