“Are you still happy?” I was taken by surprise by his random question. I didn’t think he was being serious.
I grabbed his hand and laced my fingers through his. “Of course I am, are you?” He pulled his hand away and started tapping his foot. That was his nervous habit. “You aren’t happy anymore?”  It was a question that came out more as a statement. His eyes darted across the floor and over the walls looking everywhere but at me. I could tell he was trying to piece together his thoughts carefully.
“I don’t think we are working out.” He muttered. I bit my lip; that was my nervous habit. I tried to collect my thoughts but I was too nervous to ask anything because I was afraid of the answers I might hear.
“Do you remember that conversation we had that night we stayed up until three? We talked about our fears and do you remember what I told you?” I paused to wait for a response and when he didn’t give me one I continued.  “I told you my worst fear and you promised me it would never happen. You told me that I never had to worry.” I sat still not daring to move a muscle. I stared at him, waiting for him to make eye contact.
He never gave me a response. His silence spoke words he would never admit and it confirmed the conclusion I had already made. I sat there with a loss for words and the only thing I could hear in the deafening silence was the sound of my own heart plummeting into my stomach.  The hurt and the betrayal was almost too much to bare. 
“I meant what I said… at the time.” We finally locked eyes and I almost immediately regretted wishing for it. It didn’t feel real before he looked at me but the small gesture locked me into the reality of the situation. This is real; this is actually happening.
I could feel the tears brimming in my eyes.  I clenched my fist together until my knuckles turned a pale white. I was hoping for a physical pain that could distract me from the emotional torture. “This isn’t something you can apologize for.” The hurt I felt turned into rage and I don’t know if I was angry because I was stupid enough to actually think that we would last or because I was stupid enough to trust his promise. He didn’t even have the decency to give me an explanation. 
“I don’t think we are working out.” That’s all he said. That’s all I got. I don’t even know what I did wrong.
That night after I thought I had gotten through the most devastating part, I climbed into bed. I tucked myself in and stared into the pitch black. My thoughts started eating away at my brain, picking and poking at every possible explanation for what made him change his mind about me.  I was wrong thinking that I got through the worst part, the worst part didn’t come until 3 a.m. when memories came flooding back.
“I am terrified that one day you will realize you don’t love me anymore. I’m afraid you will look at me one day but this time you won’t have the love and admiration in your eyes that I once saw and you will start to notice the imperfections that I see in myself. You will decide that my laugh is annoying, or my jealousness and clinginess is no longer cute and adorable, the stretch marks that cover my skin are not appealing, you will stop asking about how my day was and I will feel you start to lose interest in me. I don’t want you to grow tired of me.  I think that would break my heart worse than if you cheated on me or anything else.”
I made him my home; he was my safety and comfort and the only thing I thought was constant in my life. I realize now that you can’t make people your home because people are temporary; they are always temporary no matter how much they promise they will always be there. Something will happen, they will die or leave you and you will be left with devastation and ruin.
What hurt even more than the realization that I had lost the one person who made me the happiest was the agonizing feeling of not being good enough. I tried so hard and I just wasn’t good enough. How am I supposed to fall asleep at night with that thought?
There is much more pain being madly in love with a person who once was in love with you than to still be in love with a person who never truly loved you in the first place. I had everything and then I lost it. Now I’m homeless.