I lay on the couch and look at the girls on the TV. They seem perfect. Every "flaw" they have becomes a new trend for the whole world to follow. When I was a little girl, I always wished I could be as perfect as a barbie doll. She had the beautiful blonde hair and deep blue eyes. Unfortunately I was stuck with brown hair and green eyes                                                                                                    In the ending of every story, she always got the guy she wanted because she was made to be perfect. She was the definition of perfect. That's what I wanted to be. I promised myself that no matter what I had to put myself through, I was going to be as perfect as barbie                                                              It started out as a challenge. Weeks began to pass and before I realized it, I was doing it without even trying. I only ate once a day to keep the weight off. No one would notice unless I skipped dinner. That was all I could eat until the next day.                                                                                                                                 More time passed and I began to look at food like a gross flavored medicine that I had to take in order to be better. I couldn't avoid eating. I had to. After 2 months of my extreme "diet", I decided it was time to weigh myself. I was 120 pounds when I started. My heart started to beat fast as i placed both feet on the scale. I closed my eyes hoping that the outcome was what I thought it was. Seconds passed before I opened them and looked down. 110 pounds.                                                                                                                                   I was in complete shock. After 2 months of only eating once a day, I only lost 10 pounds. My mind told me that I had to try harder. I listened to my thoughts not my health. I followed the promise I had made to myself. Lose the food, lose the weight. That's what I kept saying until it became automatic.

      At dinner, I would only take half of the main dish and one side. Mom looked at me.
" Why do you take so little when you have so much in front of you? ". She had asked.
      I just shrugged. I couldn't tell her so I lied. " I woke up feeling like I was going to have everything I put down come back up. I am eating little by little until I feel okay again. "
      She looked at me with her eyes, understanding every word I said. She had believed me. Dad, who was sitting at the other end  the table wasn't as convinced. He looked at me, his brown eyes turning hard. I could feel the heat of them burning me. I just casually played with my food and ate a bite every few minutes until it was all finally gone.
      I left them there at the table alone. I went up to my room and lay on my bed, holding my stomach. The pain seemed to last forever. I felt empty. I was empty. I was too far into this that i had no way to get myself out. My health kept telling me that sooner or later this would all come back on me but my mind told me that it was all worth it. All the attention that had once been turned away from me will come back and i will be happy again.
      A slight knock made my heart jump. I quickly sat up straight and tried to hide the pained expression on my face. I grabbed a random book off of my desk and opened to a random page. Dad walked in. The air seemed different to me. His presence was unwelcome and unwanted. The awkwardness was uncomfortable for me to be around but i ignored it all. His face was filled with worry. What was he thinking? Did he catch onto what i was doing?
      He sat on my bed across from me, grabbed my book away from me and held my hands.
   "Look at me." He said, his voice stern and deep. I had no choice. I looked up.
   "Are you okay? Did someone hurt you or threaten you?" He asked, his voice now full of worry.
      Is that what he thought, that someone hurt me so badly that i choose to not eat as much as i used to. I woke up. I realized that i wasn't living the right way, i wasn't happy with myself so i changed the rules of the game. No food. No weight. No problem. Happy life. At least that's what i thought.
      Forgetting that he was still there i started to zone out from the real world and into my own until he cleared his throat, bringing me back.
   "No dad, no one hurt me its just....." I said, trying to come up with something he will believe.
   "Just what?" He said, raising his voice above the normal volume.
   "I told you i wasn't feeling well. I feel sick when i eat so i eat very little, okay. And i am super stressed out with my school work and i spend most of my time focusing on that and forgetting to eat." I said, raising my voice a little as well.
      He looked like he understood. I hoped he did because if he found out that HIS daughter, not our neighbors not a family friends but HIS daughter was starving herself to be skinny, he would be heartbroken. Not only heartbroken but disappointed in me. That is the worst thing to hear you parent say to you and i can't put him or my mother through that pain, so, i just keep to myself to avoid injury.
      He nodded and placed my book back in my hands. He squeezed my hands real tight, as if he had hugged me, then he stood and left without another word. As soon as the door had closed, I grabbed the book and hurled it across the room, knocking down a pencil holder that sat on my desk. Tears started to pour out. I was so tired of the lies. They were the ones that i needed to trust and all i was doing was lying to them.
      "Just a few more weeks" I told myself in the mirror. A few more weeks should take off the extra pounds and then i will finally be happy. But that turned into a lie...
      'A few more weeks' turned into months. Starting was difficult and stopping was just as hard. My stomach had shrunk down to a size that could only hold a certain amount before becoming full. Less food started to appear on my plate. Tension began to grow and pretty soon mom started to notice the difference in me. She saw food start to disappear. My clothes started to become smaller. I couldn't let her see what i was doing. I began to do my own laundry and just told her that i wanted to help out. I stopped going to beach with my friends and family so they wouldn't notice how boney i was.
      At dinner, i wouldn't come to the table. There was always an excuse as to why i wasn't there. "I'm buried in homework!" "I'll eat later." "I'm doing chores."
      Everyday was a different excuse, a different lie. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. You could see every rib. My hip bones stuck out clearly. My whole body was just skin and bone. You could easily break me without even trying. Again, i stepped on the scale. Its almost been 9 months since i started. I closed my eyes just as i did before, but this time was different. I expected a greater outcome. I opened them and looked down....
90 pounds.
      Many people would be thrilled to see this result, but as for me, i was too weak to smile. I slept most of the day and woke up unaware of what time it was. I stayed home from school a lot because i was "sick". It wasn't the common cold or the flu. It was my mind. It was me. I inflicted this pain upon myself and soon the consequences started to catch up to me. My fault. I wanted to be happy. I used it as motivation to keep pushing myself.
      Dark circles began to show under my eyes. My face was drained of the color  it once had. My hair became dull, loosing life as the days passed.  My lips were dry and cracked. You could look into my eyes and see nothing but pain and sadness. They weren't happy. I couldn't think. It was hard enough trying to fake a smile. My bed became my home. I felt like i had locked myself in a prison that i wasn't able to get out of. I was too weak. I just laid there waiting for the day that i would be happy again.
      I wore the same clothes over and over again, unable to change. My hair remained unbrushed as did my teeth. I was disgusted in myself. I was miserable and very unhappy with what i had done. Nothing changed until she saw me...
      She came in to change my bedding. She pulled off the covers, revealing my small body in a tank top and shorts. The outfit i couldn't change out of. My collarbone, my knees, my arms and legs were nothing but bone. My body was pale white. I had been shivering with the blankets covering my body and now it was more furious without them. The look of horror filled her eyes. A sight that i can never get out of my mind. She broke out into horrible sobs. The tears began to spill over her eyelids and down her cheeks. She called out to someone but i couldn't hear her cries. I was stuck between the living and the dead. I saw my father rush in. He was angry and upset but overall, i saw the disappointment in his eyes. He quickly scooped me up as if it were as easy as picking up an infant. He rushed me out and laid me in the backseat. My mother trailed behind and jumped in back with me. She cradled my head in her lap. I can only hear her ask "Why baby? Why did you do this to yourself?"
      That was a question that i could not answer. My mind was blank and i was unfocused. I watched as the trees darted past the windows. Their leaves were green and full of life. Just as i had once been. The car jerked to a stop. I saw dad rush out of the car and through the white doors. Within seconds he was out with two men dressed in blue with a bed on wheels. I couldn't think of its name. Mom laid my head on the seat and got out so the men could reach me. I can only remember their warm hands holding my weak body and the sun beaming down on me, then, it all went black.
      I saw images appear in my mind. Real or unreal, i could not tell. Bright lights flashed before my eyes. I was happy. I was free from my prison. But then i woke up.
      I felt the pain again. A tube ran into my arm. It connected to a clear bag above my head that held clear liquid. My vision was blurry. I could see two figures standing in the corner watching me then....darkness. I opened my eyes to a woman holding my hand and whispering a prayer. Her eyes were swollen and red. My mother? It had to have been. Where was my father? I then remembered the look of disappointment. I would understand. I opened my eyes a little wider, showing her i was awake. She was shocked and called out. A doctor walked through the door and was joined by my father, who also had swollen, red eyes.
      He checked my pulse. His cool fingertips touching my skin and sending a wave of goose bumps along my arms. He said something to my parents that i couldn't hear. They smiled with relief. Then it was clear. As if my mind suddenly woke up and began to understand English again. "She is very lucky to be alive." After that being said, he left and promised to return soon.
      My parents looked at me. Mixed emotions were displayed. Words couldn't be spoken. Only hugs were shared and tears fell. They poured their love into my soul. I was happy. I was where i needed to be to finally realize that I could be myself and still be happy. I didn't need to change. I was perfect before i even started.
      The pain is a pain that i promised myself i would never feel again. I was so close to the end. Nightmares come back and haunt me. My mind wanders back in time. I push them all away. I'm not going back. It was a mistake to even start and now i am going to end it completely.
      So, this is my story to you. You are beautiful. Not everyone is the same. You were made to be different. Who cares if you have marks or if your thighs touch. There is someone out there that will push all of the negative things that you say about yourself to the side. They will call you beautiful when you think you aren't. They will love you for what you are and not for what your not. You don't need to change a single thing about yourself to get attention from people. The right people will be there when you need them and the wrong ones will be on the side and try to make you like them. You will always have choices in your life. You need to choose the one that causes the least amount of damage to yourself. Choose what is best for you, even if everyone around you chooses differently. Love yourself and what you are because it could all be gone because of one simple mistake.