I woke up to the smell of Earl Grey tea and the sweet smell of “Paris Amour” lingering on my pillow. You know the city is awake when you hear the loud noises from the double decker buses and the bells of Big Ben. The best part is the view; I can see everything from my balcony from the London Eye to the downtown shopping center. I love waking up to this; it’s the best part of my day - until I actually have to get up to get ready for school. Slowly sliding out of bed, I finally got up. I wonder if it’s going to be really hot today, and I debate whether to put my hair up or down. "Great, it’s time to go to school,’’ I said to myself with sarcasm. I decided to walk to school instead of driving. It’s funny because when we’re kids and not allowed to drive all we wanted to do was to drive, but when we’re adults we end up hating it.
On my way to school Bailey ran up to me. She is the only one in our group with a lot of school spirit; she was wearing her Oxford High shirt with the sides cut open. I would have had a lot of school sprit but I felt lazy and that it would be too much work. I decided to leave the school spirit up to Bailey.
“Hey Calliope — April, Mark, and Mora are meeting us at school,” Bailey said to me with joy.
Calliope was my nickname, that’s what everyone called me but my real name is Callie. April was my girlfriend but we called her April Maple because she loves pancakes and maple syrup. She had loved maple syrup over cheesecake and banana pudding, I don't know how but whatever it was her thing. Sometimes I joked around with her and said things like, "Do you want some syrup with that slice of cake?" When Bailey and I finally got to school April Maple, Mark, and Mora were talking about who had the best outfit on.
“It only took y'all forever to get here!” Mark shouted. Mora agreed.
"It takes time for Calliope to look this great.” April said, blushing.
"Thank you, you look great too! Class is about to start guys.’’ I said as I smiled.
I didn't like school for many reasons. I just wanted school to be a safe haven, a place where kids could just come to school and learn. Even though kids and teachers don't say it, I know they're judging me. They would think those stupid questions, like "Why are you gay?" or "Don’t you want to be straight?" As if I had a choice - if I chose to be gay. As if I just woke up one day and said, "Hey I think I'm going to be gay." But they didn't understand. This was the school I had to go to.
As we walked through the cold hallways, my whole mood changed. High school is the death of the truth and the birth of lies and rumors. Every day I passed by Barbie doll girls and stupid jocks. But that’s high school, a contest of who can be the most popular and still pass class with a C-. When we finally got to class, I calmly made my way to my desk. I was thinking about why I couldn't just be like everybody else, why I always felt like the outsider, and that no matter how hard I tried I would never fit in. I felt like a puzzle piece that was put into the wrong box. I refused to change who I am, just to fit in with our cookie cutter school.
After school April and I went to get some frozen yogurt and then we went to the beach. "How can you handle all the judgment and comments from everyone?" I asked with a serious tone.
"I use pain pills, it’s the only way I can cope," April said with a sad look on her face.
"Where did you get them from?" I said with understanding.
"I took them out of my mom's medicine cabinet," April said softly.
"I think I should try to do that, my mom has some, too" I said tentatively.
“I wish we could be like this forever without everyone to judge us,” April whispered to me in my ear.
“Me too,” I whispered back to her. As the warm summer breeze blew through my long light brown wavy hair, we sang along to the song “Young and Beautiful” by Lana Del Rey. But April really loved to sing along to the chorus part, "Will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful?” "Will you still love me when I got nothing but my aching soul?”
When I arrived at school the next day I just knew something was bound to go wrong because I had a bad morning. When I arrived to Mrs. Robin’s science class she asked us to get into groups of three. When she said that, it made me a little nervous. I was worried that I wouldn’t get in a group. Mark and Mora were in my science class so I thought we would be in a group together. We had all been friends since sixth grade, so I thought they would pick me to be in their group. Well I was wrong; they said "We don't want to be your friend anymore we just don't think having a gay friend will help us in the social chain". I was right back to where I started an outsider. So I just distanced myself. It’s better than acting like a cartoon character.
Days passed and my so - called “friends” are still going on about their lives. It’s like I never existed! As if my presence was just a figment of their imagination. What is the point of trying? Yes, I’m living but I feel like I am dead, as if my body is here but my spirit and soul isn’t. I’m alone; I have no one to turn to. I’m trapped in this game called life and it seems like I’m losing. It’s like everyone has the secret to this game but me. I wish someone would tell me, put me on to this trick that helps them win this game. But of course they won’t, I mean why would they?
Pills, Pills, Pills! First 2, then 6, finally I hit 10. I started using pain pills and antidepressants to take away the pain. Not physically but mentally. Take the pain away from me in the world, it’s just starting to get too much for me to handle. As I feel myself slowly slipping away, while the song “Lost & Found” by Liana La Havas is playing on repeat. But the only lyrics going through my ears were “Come upstairs and I’ll show you where my demons hid from you”. “You broke me and taught me to truly hate myself.” “Unfold me and teach me how to be like somebody else.” As I stared at the union jack on my wall burning hot tears started falling from my hazel eyes. Taking shorter and shorter breaths I think of what comes after this. I can feel my body shutting down; the constant aching pain in my heart is over - powering the pain in my stomach. Finally death took over me like a cold ocean wave when preparing for an egregious storm as I went unconscious.

I woke up at a hospital. “How did I get here?” I asked myself.
“You’re at the hospital, you almost died on us but I wouldn’t let you” the doctor said calmly.
"Someone is here to see you Callie,” the doctor whispered.
When April walked in her face was looked blank and eye's hollow but I said “Hey Maple” anyways.
“Calliope what were you thinking, trying to kill yourself?” April yelled.
“Fine don’t say hi back, it’s not like I need someone to talk to anyway as I turned my head away.”
“No you don’t know how afraid I was when I found you on your bed unconscious because you overdosed on pills. I climbed up the stairs on the side of you house to get into your window because I thought we could watch a movie but instead I found you unconscious with a pill bottle in your hand.” April replied.
“Come; come please lay down with me,” I said. As I moved so she can lie beside me. Wiping tears from her ocean blue eyes she crawled into the fluffy white hospital bed. Laying her short silky black hair on my shoulder, she wrapped her arms around my waist squeezing tightly.
“I thought I lost you forever, I love you Calliope," April said gasping for her breath from crying so much.
“No you didn’t lose me, I’m here It is okay.” I said, as I stroked her head. I felt like I was in a dream – like I didn’t know what was real or not.
I went back to school that following Monday, a changed person and I love the new me. I will always be a wallflower and I’m okay with that. Even though it was the last day of school, I found out something that changed my life forever. I knew the secret to this game called life all along; I just never realized it until now. I didn’t need to try to fit in; I just needed to have people in my life that love me for me. I thought to myself as I looked at April and smiled.






Dedication
I dedicate this story to all of those who could not hold on. The ones that thought killing themselves was the only way out. I’m here to tell you that you’re not alone. I wrote this story so teenagers that are outsiders can have something to connect to. You are stronger then you think! You are capable of more than you can ever imagine! You just have to HOLD ON LONG ENOUGH TO FIND IT!!