“Everyone, take your seats. We have a lot to get through before we can start dismissing tables to get life sustaining nutrients. First of all, our dear guest from the National International Moose Society of America and Puerto Rico has a presentation to show us. I expect you’ll give them your utmost respect.”
A speaker with a corny voice represented the moose, who had started delicately nibbling on the microphone.
“We’re going to have to order another one of these before we can start dismissing people.”
“Howdy, kids! I’m Mr. Nimsapr of NIMSAPR to inform you of the wonderful things our organization does. First, I will show you one of our weekly moose documentaries to give you a good idea of what we do, and then we’ll tell you about the contest!”
After Mr. Smith tinkered with the projector for several minutes, the movie finally started playing.
The movie ran for another several minutes, and it talked about the eating habits of moose, the various stages of decomposition of dead moose, and common names for moose in captivity.
Finally the movie was over, and the corny voice played once again.
“So as you can see, our organization is very important to moose everywhere. We are also looking for donations as we are a nonprofit organization. If your advisory donates four billion dollars to our charity organization, you’ll get a chance to win a paperclip! Be sure to share it with your entire advisory. You also get a chance to win a ticket to the National Zoo of Tajikistan. We hope to supply them with moose in the near future.”
“Remember, your donations go to a worthy cause. I was very disappointed with the number of plums that were donated to the orphans in last weeks charity drive!”
“Thank you, Mr. Nimsapr,” said Mr. Smith. Now everyone’s parents have dropped off numerous items in the drawer, but they all neglected to put names on them. Does this thimble belong to anyone? It’s a shiny silver thimble, and it has quite a few holes in it. I know! Let’s count the holes to help find the owner! Ok, one….two….three”
“May we please buy food?” pleaded one of the hungry students.
“No, you greedy urchins! Now I have to start over!”
Mr. Smith proceed to count every single hole in the thimble. After starting over six times, he concluded that there were 124.8 holes. Some students questioned how this is possible, but teachers don’t need things to be possible to be correct.
“Now I have a green lampshade. This one looks like it may be used with a 60 watt light bulb. Oh, here’s the rest of the lamp. It has a European plug, and and it’s painted purple. I’ll come up to each one of you and ask if it’s yours. I’ll use a lie detector to see if you are telling the truth or not.”
Mr. Smith went around to each of the lunch tables interrogating each student until another teacher informed him that the lampshade belonged to a sixth grader and was put in the wrong bin.
“As you know, students are only allowed to purchase food once their level has been dismissed. Previously, there were four different levels, but now, in the interest of fairness, we will divide the lunchroom up into thirty different sections so that every section gets a chance to go first once a month.”
“But what about months that don’t have 30 days?”
“We are your supreme rulers, therefore, you have no right to object to our logic! Now, the upper southwest greyish-magenta section is dismissed to buy starch products. You may skip to the lunch line! No, lower ultraviolet with green polkadots! I did not call you! Why don’t I see skipping?! Now the upper north north east orange and blue plaid level may purchase poultry and Japanese desserts.”
Up at the lunch line, the food being sold included “fries” (potatoes thinly sliced and “cooked” in an Easy Bake oven to stay healthy), hyper-oxygenated water called “Water”, and multi-purpose chicken patties.
While the children were eating, Mr. Smith sent the lunchroom supervisors around with rifl…I mean pop tarts to shoot any children standing when they shouldn’t be.
“Well I think I’ve called at least half of the sections.” Mr. Smith announced, “By the way, quiet lunch may go. The password is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. Send the person with the most noses to sweep. If no one at your table has a nose, the person with the shortest criminal record gets to choose the person sweeping. To determine who uses this mop we must perform a blood sacrifice to the devil and have him decide on a country of origin. Whoever was born the closest geographically or metaphorically to this country sweeps.”
“I have an announcement to make!” said Mr. Smith to the rapidly decreasing amount of living students in the lunch room, “The oxygenated water has been oxygenated so much that the chemical formula was altered and you have all been drinking hydrogen peroxide. If possible, please induce vomiting. I’m very sorry for this mistake. Oh, and by the way, regardless of whether or not you are dying, I will not be writing passes.”