No Coffee for Lydie | Teen Ink

No Coffee for Lydie

November 30, 2013
By jollygreengiant47 BRONZE, Clovis, California
jollygreengiant47 BRONZE, Clovis, California
4 articles 0 photos 19 comments

Favorite Quote:
Gross! -Napoleon Dynamite

And I'm Judy!!-Judy from the Finger legs

There are 3 reasons why Lydie should never be given any coffee (or caffeine for that matter). Each reason pretty much equals universal chaos and possibly the breakout of World War Three. So, if you see Lydie with coffee, smack that cup out of her hand, and you restore peace.

Lydie will force hour-long lectures down your throat about her favorite boy band.
Why It’s Horrible: You’re probably thinking, “Whatever, I’ll escape. No big deal.” But coffee gives Lydie super-human strength. She’ll chase you down, and tell you the most boring news about the lead singer. It’s painful, and she doesn’t care you hate that band. Unfortunately, this mayhem can be avoided without coffee.

Lydie will blow up your phone with heartbreaking photos of cats for adoption.
Why It’s Horrible: Sure, this seems harmless enough. Cute, even. But wait until you wake up to a house full of kittens, demanding organic A-grade cat food. Yeah, you’ll become that Crazy Cat Lady, all thanks to some caffeine-birthed cat photo texts. Say goodbye to any love life.

Every secret you’ve told Lydie will mysteriously slip from her lips in high school valedictorian speech.
Why It’s Horrible: This has to be the worst of the three reasons so far. This happened to me, and was awful. What booze is to some people, coffee is to Lydie. I deflated when she accidently told everyone I’m hermaphroditic. How does that even slip into a valedictorian speech?! But after chugging a 36-ounce thermos of black coffee, Lydie can easily ruin your social life.

Hopefully, these reasons have helped open your eyes to the dangers of caffeine for Lydie. Now, please join me in ending the coffee chaos. If you see her at Starbucks, distract her and get her out of there! Currently, I’m trying to send a petition to Congress to barricade Lydie from sugary drinks. It wouldn’t hurt if you signed it.

The author's comments:
Wrote this after drinking a cup of black coffee. I'm so jittery!

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