I love you slipped through my lips one too many times before I realized what that word actually meant to me. It doesnt mean that I was lying, and it doesnt mean I dont love him now. I just love him in a different way than I thought. I wish i could tell him. Let him know. Made him beleive it. But another thing I never told him was that he helped me realize that if I really do love him, then it's not about telliIng him. It's about hiding it from him so I don't hurt him again. Another thing I never told him: I miss you. I miss you in the cheesy way that you always see the slow motion running into each others arms in romance movies. I miss you in the same way that makes me run myself out of my mind, trying to forget about you.
I miss you in the way that terrifies me to death that I might never see you again. The most important thing I never told you is that our entire relationship was built on a lie. And it's totally and completely 100% my fault. But the worst part about all of this is that even if I wanted to tell you I can't. I've never feared something so much in my life. If I text you these words I dont know if you'll respond. And if you don't I'll never know if it's because you hate me and want nothing to do with me, or because you signed up for the army, got shipped out, and never came back. The sad part is I lied again. This isn't fiction. I wish with all my heart that i could say it is but it isn't. I love you.