“Step right up, folks, here you have it. Tickets here for the best carnival out there. A fun time full of rides and attractions and memories that will last a lifetime.”

I see a giant Ferris wheel, its bright lights shining as it rotates silently. I spin around and see a long line formed for a turn at the ring toss. I keep spinning slowly as my music chimes elegantly. My guests giggle as they move endlessly in delight. The sun is setting slowly over the yard that has been transformed into this wonderland. As I spin, I can see all of the people walking around me, a sea of faces I will never know. Though they are no one to me, I love them all. They are what make this place special. This place is my home.

“Mommy! I wanna go on this ride!” I tug on her arm. “Wait! No! This one!” I try to drag her in the other direction now. “MOM! Over here!” I pull as hard as I can now. I try to move her in every direction. I want to do everything here. I want to feel my heart drop into my stomach on the giant tower. I want to taste gooey fried Oreos. I want to go to every booth and play every game. I want to throw a winning ball at the dunk tank target. But mom is being difficult. She’s moving too slowly. She doesn’t even care. There’s not enough time.

This place just stresses me out. My palms are sweating as I try to keep hold of Robby’s hand and my heart is beating fast as I think of what would happen if I lost him. It’s times like these when I seriously consider becoming that crazy parent who keeps her kid on a leash. “Honey, please calm down. This is neither the time nor place for you to act like this.” I am trying too hard to sound intelligent. I wish I could sit back, enjoy this nice afternoon and reminisce about the times that I came here as a child. I should be trying to enjoy this for him. He asks if we can go over to that stand so he can get a snow cone. I take him.

“Just one?” I ask the boy whose eyes barely meet the countertop. I scoop the multicolored ice into the flimsy paper cone. The vibrant syrup seems to light up the grinning boys eyes as it drips down the sides. I love making people smile. I’m losing my focus, though. Crap. My god damn arthritis makes me lose my grip on the snow cone and it falls right on the boys shoe as I try to hand it to him. The boy begins to cry and I frown. Frustrated, his mom picks him up and carries him away to clean off the mess. This has never happened to me before. I feel so embarrassed. I wish no one had seen my slip up. This job is the only thing that makes me happy. I may as well do it right. This place is all I have left.

I look over at them as my mom carries my little brother to the bathroom. They are such a goofy mess. I smile and then get mad at myself when I realize that I am somewhat enjoying myself. I don’t know why I am acting like this. I know that I love them both but I can’t admit it. And I would never dare tell anyone that this carnival is one of my favorite places. Why am I so consumed with being this horrible teenager? I can’t even enjoy myself because I’m so caught up on pretending that I’m not enjoying myself. I hate myself when I remember how I reacted this morning when she told me we were coming here for the day. I wish I had smiled and said, “Awesome!” I should have done it for Robbie. I stare off at the blur of lights and let the entire noise flood into my ears. I need to tell them that I really do love them.