I told her she had to stop. Hurting herself wasn’t the answer. But of course I shouldn’t have been saying that. Last week Jake dumped me and a few days later I started cutting. I’ve heard my friends and family say to never hurt myself on purpose. But I just felt so worthless.

Why did he dump me? What did I do? The pain it makes the feeling of being worthless go away. Then when I stop the feeling comes back and I want the pain. Anytime I see him it comes back. Jake was my everything. He was my world. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about him, think about us. When I see him in the hallway I try to smile, but then I see Mariana his new girl my ex best friend hanging on him like I use to.

My mom saw the cuts yesterday. She flipped and made me go to the doctor. “We have to find out what’s wrong with you Avy” she said. While we sat in the waiting room I saw a girl in all black. She was maybe a couple years older than me. She had short black hair that looked like it had been cut off. Then she lifted her arm to grab a magazine on a high shelf and her sleeve slipped down. Then I saw the scars like mine, from cutting. After that I thought I saw her face change and mine was in its place. It alarmed me to see myself in that girl but I realized if I didn’t change my ways I would be that girl.

The next day I started seeing the school counselor. My parents forced me to go after the doctor said I had depression and I needed some kind of help. While I walking in to see the counselor I saw a cute boy about my age leaving. I started wondering what is he here for, does he have depression too, and did he just smile at me?

Mrs. Carol AKA the school counselor, and the only who didn’t seem to get the fact that I was depressed Kept telling me to forget about Jake and just boys in general. That they were the only reason I was depressed. But of course I didn’t believe her I thought they were worth it.

I couldn’t stop thinking about that boy, the moment we crossed, and the way he smiled at me. I decided then that I would try to ask him out or, maybe just hang out. Tomorrow I would ask him tomorrow. The next day I asked the boy his name and how he was and what not. Then I asked him if he would like to go see a movie with me and my friends this weekend. And his answer was… “Sorry but I don’t that my girlfriend would let me. Bye Avy it was nice to meet you.”

GIRLFRIEND. HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND AND HE DIDN’T TELL ME. Well I mean sure we just met and all but that doesn’t mean he couldn’t have told me he had a girlfriend. When I went to the movies on Friday with my friends because my parents insisted I go out. I saw Him. Kay that boy I was talking about earlier. I saw Kay with a group of boys talking and joking and laughing. Girlfriend my butt he was only there to flirt with girls. So after I saw this I figured I could take it two ways he had just broken up with his girlfriend, or he didn’t want to hang out with me. And considering the fact he wasn’t crying or looked like he had been recently I figured he didn’t want to hang out with me.
So when I figured that out I ran home but apparently not before Kay saw me and shouted my name. I had almost started writing the note when Holly (my best friend) burst through the door.
“Avy don’t do anything rash” she yelled.
“What are you doing here” I screamed.
“Look I saw the way you looked at that guy what’s his name Kay. And I figured that something happened when I saw you run away. So I followed you to try and stop you from doing anything rash.”
“Why shouldn’t I do something rash? I mean it’s not like anyone loves me anyways.”
“What Avy why would you say that. Ok listen to me just listen, ok? Look Jake is a major jerk he doesn’t deserve you. But Kay, I mean he dumped his model girlfriend for you. Now if that’s not at least liking someone I don’t know what is.”
After that I went with Holly back to the theatre Kay was waiting at the door for us.
“Oh thank goodness you’re ok I thought that something had happened to you.” He said giving me a huge hug.
“You were worried about me?” I asked
“Of course I was” he said giving me another hug.
Kay and I have been together for about 5 months now and since then I’ve stopped cutting the only thing that reminds me it happened is the scars.
“Hey what is it you needed to talk to me about?” He gives me a kiss.
“You see that’s the thing.” He gave me another kiss. “I don’t know how to say this, umm.”
“What is it?”
“I’m moving.”
“What, what do you mean you’re moving? Why?”
“My dad he got a new job in Florida.”
“What but you said you loved it here, why would you want to leave and go to Florida?”
“I don’t I want to stay here with you.”
“Well then why are you leaving? Why can’t you stay?”
"My whole family has to go; if I could I would stay here with you.”
I ran after that I didn’t know or care where but I just had to get away. I ran home and when I got into my room I tore apart all our pictures. Then, that feeling worthless it came back stronger than ever. It wouldn’t go away I tried my pills, sleeping, I even tried sitting on my head but it wouldn’t go away. I decided it had to end forever. I wrote my parents a note. I started taking pills it said on the container not to take more than one but I had to end it. One then five now I’m up to nine and I feel a little dizzy. After fifteen it ended, everything is gone.
Dear mom and Dad,

I love you and just want to thank you for being there for me no matter what. But I have to let this end. It wasn’t your fault nothing was. Please don’t cry I’ll always be with you.Hey mom remember that song you use to sing to me well here it is one last time: you are my sunshine my only sunshine you make me happy when skies are gray you barely know dear how much I love you oh please don’t take my sunshine away.
Bye for now,
Avy