My Heartbreak | Teen Ink

My Heartbreak

August 3, 2011
By MissColleen GOLD, Lebanon, Pennsylvania
MissColleen GOLD, Lebanon, Pennsylvania
14 articles 12 photos 10 comments

Favorite Quote:
You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.-Dr. Seuss

She sat on the blue-and-cream plaid sofa staring at the TV but not really seeing it. Her eyes were moist; her lashes dripped. Shoulder-length brown hair fell in front of her face and hung limply. She knew what he had said, she just couldn't process it. I thought he cared. Why would he do this?

Her parents and brother were sitting in the other room. She brushed the tears from her face and sucked it up. Looking back at the show that was on screen, she tried to block out the pain she could feel bubbling up in her heart and forget what he told her. Her chest was tightening by the minute and she couldn't focus. The only thing on her fragile mind was him, and the hurt he had caused her. He was supposed to care. He told her he would wait. Was she not good enough? It was only 19 days. She had waited. But she wasn't worth the effort. He chose somebody else over her.

All of a sudden she couldn't take it. She hurriedly turned off the TV and rushed upstairs. Sitting on her purple bed-cover, she freely let her tears flow. She was numb to all feelings except sadness, anger, despair. And fear. God was she scared. She had loved him, she had envisioned their future together. Now she never wanted anyone else. And if she couldn't have him, would she ever have anyone at all? He said he liked me so much. I know he was scared to lose me as a friend. But this hurt our friendship more than a break-up ever could.

She read through the texts again. I need to tell u something now. It can't wait any longer. Oh god, what's wrong. With him, this never goes well. Uhm, alright. Please don't say anything too bad. I know you going to hate me for this. And I'm sorry. U have no idea how bad this is eating me up inside. There is no gentle way to put this. I have a girlfriend... She was too dumbstruck to care about his spelling errors. But it hadn't sunk in yet, she was still excited and happy. Really? Who?! Aweh haha lemme guess, Logan? (: First stage-denial. No u haven't met her... why are you acting so happy? She paused to think. Why was she so happy? We're just friends, right? So why would I not be happy that my friend got a girlfriend? My friend likes someone and he's going out with her. That's a reason to be happy. Second stage-spite. He said he just wanted to be friends, time to throw that back in his face. A pause. Well, more like 5 minutes went by. Do you still like me? Be honest. What a stupid question. You know the answer to that, you just want to hear that somebody needs you. Of course I still like u! But it's not gonna help either of us if I hate on u. It's better if I just pretend to be happy for u. The heartache fades faster if I do. A bald-faced lie. Im sorry! He's not sorry. Why would he be sorry? He has a girlfriend. He's not the one sitting on the bed sobbing. Sorry doesn't do anything. It worked the first few times. But it doesn't anymore. So don't bother apologizing. Just gush about how great she is, introduce us, I'll like her because I'm your friend and that's what friends do. Stage three-anger. Another long wait. Im not sure what to say... You don't need to say anything. I already know how your little games work.Actions speak louder than words and I think you've already said enough. That was good, right? I want to hate him but it's so hard when he's so perfect for me. I know you think im a jerk... and i know i am too... No duh I think you're a jerk, you broke my heart! Jerk doesn't even begin to cover what I think about you. And if he thinks that's harsh, he should hear my rants to everyone else. Why does he always take so long to respond? It's been like 10 minutes. Well let me know when u will be able to talk to me again without hating me. I understand if u do hate me. I don't see how anyone could not hate him. He hurt me so bad, I hate him. Right? She sat thinking. That's the thing. I wish I hated u. I really wish I did. But I can't. I'd still go out with u in a heartbeat. But I'm not gonna keep hanging on to this delusional dream that we're gonna go out cuz I can see that's never gonna happen. And I'm not gonna keep crying over u. So I don't know if I ever even want to talk to u again. Generally, I have a rule that if u cry over a guy u shun him. For what felt like years, she sat crying and texting her two best friends, just waiting for his response. She got none. But one thought kept eating her mind: Why? Why? That's all I want to know. Why? Answer that and I promise I'll go away. But just tell me why. She had to wait again. Why what? What a freaking stupid question. Why did you tear my heart out?! Why did u lead me on? Why her and not me? Why so soon? Why hurt me like this? Why are you going out with her? So much waiting. He needs to text faster. I lead u on because I liked you. I thought i liked you. I didn't meet this girl until right before hockey camp. I think I "liked" you because I wanted another girlfriend. But I really did like u. It wasn't all fake. But I forced myself to get rid of it so that we wouldn't go out so I wouldn't kill our friendship. It seems like I failed at that. I seems to be good at ruining friendship. He's right, he screwed up big time. But I don't know what to believe anymore. Even in that text he told me about 3 different stories. He's giving me the run-around. What happened to "don't meet any cute guys" "I promise, don't meet any cute girls" "i promise"? I turned down parties with 2 awesome guys at the beach cuz I thought u cared. But yeah, u did fail at that. I feel like our friendship was nothing at all to u. So now it's nothing to me, either. If it never happened, it can't hurt me. That was good logic, right? Just block out any memory of it and you won't feel the pain.But it did happen and I regret all of this. If i could back up and try all this again i would do it all differently. I made a big mistake. And our friendship does mean a lot to me. Before she could get out her response, another text came through. And she was terrified.

Honestly right now i feel so low id rather just take one of my dads pistols and shoot myself. Oh, god, no. Please don't let him really want this, don't let him do this. I couldn't take that. I would blame myself, and I would end up doing the same. I mean, how could I live with myself if I was the reason that the guy I love killed himself? I shouldn't have been so harsh on him. God, please don't let him kill himself. Okay well first off, that's a bad idea, cuz I'd blame myself and probably do the same thing and a ton of people would miss u. Second, it means a lot to me too but I feel like it doesnt to u because u didn't seem to care when u ended up going out with that other girl. Fingers crossed. Tomorrow im going to make this all right again. Im going to put things how they should be. It wont be easy and its nothing at this point the way i want it to. But im gonna try to do the best i can Now that she was sobbing a little less, his spelling and grammar mistakes were really annoying. He normally was better at that than this. Uhm, what are u talking about? Don't do anything drastic... please? Is he still talking about killing himself? I'm so scared. I need to break up with her... but i don't know what im gonna do. God he's a moron. I swear he just likes drama. No u don't. That's stupid. Does she make u happy? Because that's all that matters, u being happy. I'll be happy in time. Don't worry about that. So if this girl, whoever she is, makes u happy, just stay with her. I hate that I just told him to stay with her. I'm so stupid. I'll be honest with you, i rushed it with this girl, I hardly know her. And so far through all of our small relationship i feel so unattached to her. Like we don't click. I don't fully like her. What an idiot. He's such an idiot. I swear he does things just to hurt me. If u don't know her and don't fully like her, why'd u go out in the first place? Guys can be stupid :P sorry. but yeah. She was trying to lighten it up. If she let herself stay unhappy and crying she'd never get better. Idk... I did it because i was a fool. Now i have to try and slowly back out of a relationship. Her name is Sara, and she likes me a lot more than i like her. What should i do? This solidifies it. He's asking me, the girl whose heart he just broke, for relationship advice. Nobody but a total brain-dead idiot does that. Okay, part of me wants to say "dump her" because then i have a tiny bit more chance, but the good person in me says "just do whatever feels right. give her a chance if there's any spark at all, she's probably a really gorgeous, sweet girl and she deserves it". And with that, he was asleep.

She stayed up the next few hours, alternately sobbing and punching her pillow in anger. She felt so betrayed, so helpless, so unwanted. Her two best friends kept reassuring that he was just a jerk, that he didn't deserve her. They told her that she'd find somebody else who was better for her. But all she could think of was that she wanted him and only him. She couldn't stop her heart from telling her brain to keep dreaming that he'd sweep her off her feet still. She had a dream that night when she finally fell asleep that they were getting married. When she woke up her head throbbed and she still had her heart in her throat. But she got up to go to cross country. The whole ride there she prayed to whatever God there was that he wouldn't be there. She couldn't bear to see him so soon. Thankfully he worked. She thought the pain would never go away, and for the time being, it didn't.

The author's comments:
This is a piece I wrote after some guy drama to purge myself because I didn't tell anyone about how hard I took it.

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This article has 1 comment.

Bishay said...
on Nov. 13 2015 at 2:03 pm
Bishay, Mckeesport, Pennsylvania
0 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
Don't give up

I like girls