His sweet Armani cologne tickles my nose as he walks past me. He sees me, watching him, thinking about every move he makes and contemplating on if he will ever ask me out. Does he see that I exist? Does he know that I could be more than just his best friend? Sure, he looks my way and notices my face, but does he see that I am not his ordinary girl?

“Hi sweetheart,” Jeremy says, “do you mind?”


I scooted over making room for him to sit on the bench. “I haven’t been feeling well; I don’t even want to eat because of it” I say. He puts his arm around my neck. I begin to blush as he slowly leans his head on to mine.


“Why wouldn’t you want to eat; did you hear about the man who died in the back of the neighborhood yesterday?”


“My throat, it’s sore I guess, it almost feels like a sinus infection just worse, but I went to the doctors to go get test done so I am sure that I will be oka-” I say. As he begins to pick his head up, he looks into my eyes, giving me the don’t-get-sick stare, “I promise I will be fine Jeremy. I’m going to call for the results at 10:30. Anyways, you should know by now that I don’t ever miss school and yes, Sammi and I walked down there yesterday night, after they taped it off, talk about a scary feeling.”


“Well, I hope you feel better sweetheart, I have to go to class before the bell rings. You know Ms. Baudot is strict about being on time for her class.” He begins to get up from the bench to walk towards the door while trying to get his pen out of his school bag.


“See you for lunch, right?”


“Like always. Coffee shop?”


“If that’s what you want” as I smiled, watching him walk away with his precious, unforgettable smile.


Listening to birds chirp, I slowly put my head down, waiting for 10:30 to appear on my phone screen.


I don’t think he sees how much I would do for him. Even though we are best friends, he doesn’t realize how much more we could have. Guess one day he will figure it out. Ugh, finally,
10:30 has come. Hopefully, I don’t get my phone taken away. Oh, right here is perfect! No one can see me from right here. I hope.


“West Jeff Lab Center, how may I help you?” Said the receptionist at the front desk.


“Yes, I need to see about getting results for a test I did last Wednesday. They said to call in about a week after I got the test done.”


“Yes ma’am,” the lady says. As I listen to her beat on the keyboard, trying to get to the records, “ma’am, you there?”


“Yes.”


“Okay, what is your name?”


“Samantha. Samantha Smith.”


“Okay, well, I can’t discuss results with patients, but I can make you an appointment for 11:00 to talk to a doctor. Is that okay?”


“Yes, that’s fine” I say hesitantly, watching the clock from a distant view.


“Okay, see you then, have a great day” she says while hanging up the phone.


Tick, tock. Tick, tock. The sounds are like a reminder of how my life is starting to look, a slow, sluggish, long-winded sound of a clock that never seems to go by fast enough when I’m anxious to know or do something.


“Hello, can I help you?” Says the man at the front desk.


“Yes sir, I have an appointment for 11:00, it is for Samantha Smith.”


“Okay ma’am, follow me.” As I followed him to the back, I thought about what could possibly be wrong with me. Why were all these things getting worse for me? My throat is sore and my nose continues to bleed. I must have the flu. That wouldn’t be to uncommon. Right?


“Boom” the door slams shut. I swallow, my eyes shut, I know something’s wrong. This feeling isn’t normal, well, not for me anyways. As he hesitates to pull up my results, I wait there patiently, nervous, and curious about what he will say next.


“Sadly, I have to tell you that from the results of the test, we have found throat cancer. Now, it can be treated, but,” he stops.


While watching the water fall from my eyes, he hands me a tissue and hopes that I will stop crying long enough to let him finish, but my eyes continues to water as I didn’t know what to say, think, or even know how to react to this new obstacle.


“Ma’am, there are great cancer groups that we offer that have people in situations like this. Also, we offer chemotherapy and radiation as treatment options. Everything will be okay; we’re just glad we have caught this before it had the chance to escalate to something worse and became untreatable. We will all get through this together. We have a wonderful staff Ms. Smith.”


I sat there, waiting, wondering how to live life when you’re being told you have a rare deadly disease. Though it seems like a nightmare, I can’t wake up. Lonely and desperate, I’m slowly realizing that I can’t go through life alone anymore, without any support of help. I meet Jeremy for lunch, thinking about all the way I could break the bad news to him.


“Can I get you something ma’am” the waiter says as he grabs out his notebook from his back pocket.


“Just two French vanilla cappuccinos and that will be it.”


“Hey beautiful,” says Jeremy, as he sits beside me, reaching his hand out to hold mine, “how did the results turn out?”


How could I tell him the truth, without him getting upset?
“It was okay, just having the seasonal flu, no big deal, I’ll be fine” knowing that I lied to him to keep him from worrying.


“Here you go ma’am” says the waiter while putting down the two coffees and a check.


“Thank you.”


“Awe, well it will get better sweetie,” Jeremy says. Slowly eating the sandwich he packed for lunch and drinking his coffee. “Well, I have some news to tell you Sam. I met a girl. Her name is Ashley. She’s perfect. Beautiful, funny, smart, and I love her personality. I want you to meet her” as he speaks highly of her, my heart begins to break, yet I still smile gently, hoping the time will fly by so I won’t hear her name being said any longer.


The leaves have already changed to their fall costumes and November is nearly over with. Yet, I still have not seen
Jeremy. Instead I’m in a room. Lying in bed; thinking about if I will ever be able to pass this year.


“Is she okay?” Jeremy asks the nurse as they begin to put me on to a stretcher.


“We have to put her into surgery, she’s unconscious and the paramedics have tried to resuscitate her after her heart stopped a few times in the ambulance. I am going to need you to take a seat in the lobby and let us do our job sir.” As Jeremy begins to cry while sitting in the chair, he prays that I will be fine. Not knowing what has been going on lately or why this was even happening to me.


Two hours has passed since he has heard any type of news.


“Sir,” says the doctor, “are you Ms. Smiths’ brother or boyfriend?”


“No, I am her best friend. Please tell me she is okay!” as he cries out in devastation, he stands up, trying to stop his hands from shaking.


“I’m afraid not sir. Her body was too weak to undergo the surgery she had to receive and her organs had shut down on her to do the conditions she was under. I am very sorry for your loss sir.”


“Condition? What condition? No, I think you have the wrong chart. Sam did not have any conditions; she has always been a healthy person.”


“She was diagnosed with throat cancer about two months ago” stated the doctor, while double checking the charts name.


Jeremy sits down, trying to make since of anything that he could. Knowing he could have been there for me, but that wasn’t his fault, I didn’t let him. As he kneels on his knees, he feels a tap.


“She told me to give this to you” the nurse says while handing Jeremy the piece of paper.

“Dear Jeremy,
04 December 2009





There is a million ways I could explain the way you make me feel. It’s like falling into the air, feeling the rush and the excitement. It’s like waking up to see the sun every morning on a breezy summer day. To describe this feeling is almost as easy as saying that I have loved you since day one. Well, maybe not that simple. It has taken me a very long time to say that to you. All our memories have always stuck in my heart and I hope that they will forever stick in yours too, but if not please remember one thing for me, I’ll always be here for you. Might seem hard to believe now, now that I’m gone, but I am here, just in another place, your heart. Now I know that you’re probably upset that I never told you I had cancer. Truth is, I was scared, and I didn’t want you to be scared too. I told you I would be fine. I didn’t lie about that part. I’ll be in heaven soon, watching and protecting your every step. Making sure you stay out of trouble. You’ve always been my greatest friend, to guide me in the right path, to show me right from wrong, to be there when I needed you the most. I enjoyed the time that I have gotten to spend with you. Just know I am still here, my soul has not died. You own the most important thing in my life, my heart.
P. S.

I Love You”