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The Collision
Susan and John were driving to their important jobs in Seattle when they collided on a freeway. Susan was most certainly pissed off and quickly erupted from her car. John, poised and carefree, was seemingly uninterested, he was thrilled by the valid excuse for tardiness to his important job. Susan, red-in-the-face, began her roaring tangent about how important her job was and how it was essential for her to be their. She had a meeting. John had a meeting as well, this is why he did not want to be at his important job. After determining both vehicles could be safely driven, John and Susan traded insurance information. Both then continued on to their important jobs. The two did not again encounter each other for twenty-three and a half months, as Susan would say. John considered it a couple of years.
On an entrancingly beautiful April day, John and Susan met again. This time colliding in a coffee shop, not in their motor vehicles. Neither recognized the other initially, both were too engrossed with the work from their important jobs. Each after muttering a brief apology to the other and began to walk to a table. After walking opposite routes, they both arrived at the same table. They became aware it was the last available. Both needing to use the shop’s free WiFi, the cool-tempered John eventually persuaded the high-strung Susan to share the table, “Two’s a company,” he smiled. Susan did not. When bored with his work, as important as it may have been, John would attempt to converse with Susan. Susan would pretend she did not hear him. This, however, did not prevent him from talking. Susan, beginning to grow annoyed, noticed a table had cleared up across the java house. She abruptly stood upright and started to make her way to the table. John finally recognized her and coolly stated, “Hey, you’re the lady who wrecked my car.” After this statement Susan also recognized her tablemate. Rolling her eyes, she grumbled, “You call that piece of dung you hit my Mercedes with a car?”
“Yes I do,” replied John with an even temper.
Susan then threw her frozen-coffee at John, aggravated by his sedated ways. This made John laugh. Hearing the twinkling and ironic laughter of John made Susan realize the ridiculousness of the situation. She too began to laugh. Her twinkling giggle was surprisingly pleasant for such an unpleasant person. Just as the two were on the brinks of creating a life-long friendship that may have lead to a romantic interest, the coffee house’s manager politely asked the two to leave, they were disrupting the peace. They separated and left and I presume never again encountered each other in the vast city of Seattle. Susan continued to giggle on her way out, not realizing she had lost what may have been her one chance at love.
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This article has 16 comments.
Aw I was really enjoying this. Then the ending made me all depressed.
Needless to say, this was definitely good. I'd suggest you look at The Waiting Room. It has similar irony riddled in. Or at least I think so.... O.o
Thank you! I'll try to be more detailed in the future.
And what do you mean by "*favorite*?"
Yeah, definately an original storyline :)
I thought in when you were marrarating, you could hav been more suttle about building your characters. Instead of telling the reader that John was carfree, and Susan was high-tempered, let their actions show the reader who they are.
I liked your dialogue though, especially Susans' line, lol. The ending as I said before, was good, but when you had Susan laugh, you made her into a likebale character, and when you said she's probably lost her only chance for love, the was a little dissapointing to the reader.
I'm stuck betwen 4 and 5 stars. Oh well, I'll just rate this twice, one of each lol :)
You asked me to read "the Snowman" but I couldn't find it. So I'm reading this, and I'm glad I did.
This is interesting. I enjoyed the originality of this piece. I doubt I'll ever read anything like it again. Your narrative was very professional and I thought it captured the feel of the story perfectly. I do have a few issues.
First, I think you need to proof-read this a little more for punctuation issues. There were some run-ons, so make sure you use the semi-colon. It's my best friend.
Secondly, I think you overdid the use of phrases like this (I forgot the name.) "Susan, beginning to grow annoyed..." You know what I mean. I understand why you have them there. They do add that very distant and business-like feel to the prose, but I think you used them a little too much.
Other than that, I really enjoyed this piece. I thought the uniqueness of it was priceless and I will long remember this. Good job.
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