I take the gun and slam its clip into its rightful place. I stare at my brothers SW1911PD, it’s heavier then I remember it to be. I trace the vines, engraved into the barrel, with my fingertip.
This is it. I can end this. But it weighed heavily in my palm. Causing the muscles in my arm to begin to cramp.
I hadn’t held the gun since before he left, but I knew my way around one. He’d taught me
I can hear the argument downstairs growing into a full-blown battle. The shouts rising to new levels. They’d been at it for what seamed like hours. And it was breaking my heart to hear them go at it like that. Knowing that this one too could be about me.
I became aware that I had been crying when a tear fell from my chin and hit my chest. I touched my cheeks, they were wet and hot.
I heard something break from down stairs, startling me, then more screams. I turn up Eminem and tried to draw strength from it, but he fails me this time. I had none left to muster up. I’d used it all up, one of the days the cops came, the same day my brother left. But I couldn’t blame him for that.
My cell goes off, nearly scaring me half to death.
“Ron!” I cried into it “You gotta stop them! I can’t take them”
“Calm down, Sar” he said softly, but I could hear that his breathing had increased “What's going on?”
I quickly explained it all to him, what had happened the moment he’d left, several months ago
“How could you leave me with them!” I finally exploded “Don’t I mean enough to you? Why didn’t you take me with you!”
“Sar, calm down” he said evenly but I could tell he’d starting running. What good would that do, he wouldn’t get here soon enough
“Don’t tell me to calm down! I can’t take this anymore! And you left me here! By myself!” I stood, flipping the safety off.
“Sar, I’m on my way”
They say that females wont shoot them selves in the head, cause it would mess up their face. But those are conceded people.
“No it’s to late! They wont ever stop!”
“I’m coming to get you”
“But you don’t want me. No body wants me! No body cares about me!”
“I care about you”
“Then why didn’t you take me with you?”
I heard something else from down stairs hit the wall, and then a load thud. As if something hit flesh and bones, or flesh and bones hit something else.
“Sar”
I was sure he’d stopped running
“How dare you call me that. Only my brother can call me that!” I hung up and throw the phone against the wall. It exploded, the backing coming off, the battery coming out.
I turned and slammed my fist into the wall as I heard sirens screaming down the street, coming for us. But they were already to late.
I’d made one of those quick and rash decision people make. The ones that always cause trouble.
I heard cars come to a speeding stop, one of them I was curtain wasn’t a police cruiser.
I heard more screams and a smashing sound. It took me a minute to realize that this time it was defiantly body hitting something solid.
I raised the gun, pulled the hammer back.
My heart began to race. It felt as if it could leap from my throat.
The cops were too late! I was tired of seeing the same damn cops at more door, every other day and lying to them cause I didn’t want to live in a foster home! To become part of the system. One of the forgotten kids. And my brother clearly didn’t want me!
I heard Eminem rap the lyrics “I’m not afraid” and I drew what was left of my free will and strength. I fired the gun into the wall and it brought silence, then a banging noise. The cops had bussed in.
I suppose that it was a small and desperate cry for help…but still I brought the gun to my head and close my eyes.
“I’m afraid to take a stand” I screamed, “This is my stand!”
And I pulled the trigger. And I was curtain as I felt to bullet impact my skull, almost as if I’d been punched. I could have sworn I heard Ron scream my name and “NO!”
But it was to late. They were all too late. Just like they always were…