I don’t really know when my life got out of whack. Maybe when we moved to this town? Gradually things changed. I changed. I used to be smart, sweet, and innocent. I wish I still was her. I used to be her. I don’t know where she went. Now I feel like a stranger. I turned stupid. I stopped wanting to go to school. And I feel disgusted with myself. I hide now. I hide from myself. Every time I get near a mirror I avoid looking at myself at all costs. I know what my “friends” say behind my back. I don’t want to admit it but my friend’s aren’t my friends. My teachers they talk about me too. They whisper. Its so obvious. I guess they think I’m stupid too. Sometimes when I get yelled at by my parents and they call me an idiot or tell me I’m worthless I find relief in my scissors. It stings and hurts, but I deserve it. Its my punishment for being somebody else. It sometimes feels like someone is watching me. Maybe it’s the old me coming back. I hate myself. I feel like my parents don’t care about me anymore. Its hard watching them slowly drift apart. Its hard to talk to my dad ever since he drug me down the stairs. He used to man handle me a lot. I can recall several occasions where he pushed me hard or grabbed my neck abruptly. My parents wouldn’t call that abuse. No. That would simply be called punishment. Well I’ve found my own punishment. I feel like a shadow. Like I’m not really here. A fake. My friends don’t really know me. Not the true me. They can’t see the pain I am hiding. They cant see how alone I feel. I wish I could find her again. But she’s lost. Gone. Sometimes when I am alone I go back too my old memories. I am stuck living in the past. My mom almost always replies dram with almost anything I say. I wanna slap her, but I cant. On a few ocasions I think about suicide. Death. Yes, death is easy, but life sucks. Oncce or twice ive written suicide letters. Later when I realized what I had done. I ripped them up and threw them in the toilet and flushed them. I told my parents a few times that I had cut myself, but they didn’t get the hints that I wanted help. And my special classes for smart people. Well I don’t belong in them anymore damnet! Ant you see that I am not smart anymore?But they make me stay in the classees. If being alive means that I don’t have my free will. Well then I don’t want to be alive. This isnt helping I am neverr going to hear your answeer. This is like what I once told my so called friend, “I wish walls could speak then I would actually be able to trust someone with my secrets.” That would be nice. Why cant things just be the way they used to be? When my family was happy and we lived in the city? What am I thinking obviously I will never know. Sometimes I feel like the blackness is dragging me under. Sometimes I feel a jolt of happiness flash through me, but the blackness chaces it away. Sometimes I am sad so ssad I lay in my room looking at nothing. I am sick of living in the past. Sometimes I ry and I don’t even know why. This is hopless. I am hopless.
“She’s gone.” Emma told her mother. “What how do you know?”
“I just read her note.” Emma’s eyes were filling with tears she loved her sister, but they had no I dea where she went. “What did it say?” Emma handed her mother the long note her sister obviously spent forever writing. She watched as her mother struggled to fight back the tears. “I never noticed she was this depressed!”
“She always was in her room!” Emma was mad at herself and her mother. “And half of it is your fault! You let dad get away with doing all that to her!”
“But-“ Emma interrupted. “But nothing! Don’t you remember your promise to leave him after Christmas?!” Her mom began crying.”Christmas was 7 months ago mom!”
“Enough Emma! Lets just go find her.” They walked out the front door and out to the lawn. “Alex!” Emma called. She heard nothing. “Alex,” they repeated. “Maybe shes out back,” mom said and so they walked. Emma unlatched the metal gate that separated the front yard and back yard. They turned the corner and there lay Alex. Old. Pale. Unbreathing. Screams escaped from both mother and daughter as the girl they both loved lay dead at their feet. “She jumped!” Emma screamed at her mother.”I’ll call the ambulance,” the girls’ mother said. “I am so sorry I didn’t ever say anything Alex. I love yuou,” and with that Emma kissed her deceased sisters cheek.