His soft features and pale skin reminds me of the first day I saw him. his glowing silver eyes and layered peanut colored hair dances around in my mind like a ballerina twirling around spinning in perfect control day after day. I hear his strong voice echoing in my mind. I feel his warm hands on my ice cold shoulder massaging me, even though I have no real memory of what that feels like. It's funny how true love works, sometimes you hate their guts, other times you wish you could spend every second of your time with them. And that is exactly how I feel about Owen. I cry myself to sleep every night because it is torture seeing him and wishing I could be sitting on his lap or taking a walk with him. He has no idea of what I look like and that is the worst part of all. I want to touch him and feel his warm muscular body and hold his large hands in mine. I love him. But I am trapped in hell with no way out.


I look into the clump of chilled clouds and stare down into darkness. It is a night sky with few stars and only a thin white sliver for a moon. The night's gentle breeze is almost clear enough to feel it. I look down further to find a girl roughly my age sitting on a blanket wearing short shorts and a thin tank top. I feel freezing to look at her. Her thick ebony shaded hair is long and loose resting on either shoulders and her jeweled eyes shimmer in the deep night. From the distance I can not tell what color they are. Her lips motion some words. To who? She is alone. I look over to see another kid my age. A boy. He is tall and lanky with dressy tan pants on with a buttoned shirt and leather shoes. He looks attractive from where i am. What a lucky girl. She must be out on a date.


He gets up and walks over to a tall apple tree. Its jade green leaves glow in the misty moonlight. The rusty bark is detailed and looks sharp. He pulls a shimmery red apple down which causes the tree to shake a little. He digs his teeth into the brightly colored fruit and hands it to her. She does the same. She then, stands up drops the apple and kisses him. Her heel in the air, her hand on the back of his lush sandy hair and his hand on her lower back which keeps on lowering. Their lips are perfectly positioned and their noses are conveniently out of the way. I can hear the bells from all the way up here and see the sparks go off.I can almost taste the kiss. His head backs away a little and he says something to her and she nods.


I feel envy strike my body until I am almost angry. Who am I to say though? I am the one who ended my life. The scene vanishes and turns gray into dust. I pull my head up and my eyes are not yet used to the brightness of hell. The shining light runs up and down my pupils causing me to rub my eyes. The light glistens and glows. Little twinkles of rainbow color scatter my surroundings until I am used to it. I think about the happy couple and their magical kiss. I remember my first kiss. I was in eight grade the summer going in to ninth. His name was leo Evans he was not exactly cute, but probably the funniest kid in the school.


Him and I were always great friends until the day he told me he liked me. I was with my best friend, Katie. We were at a little coffee shop in the center of town. The official after-school-hangout. We each ordered a cinnamon mocha with extra cream and added a twist of vanilla to "spice it up" as we used to say. The air-conditioned, uncrowded atmosphere was relaxing compared to the usual hot and sunny beach swarmed with tourists and hot sand. We sipped our coffees and talked about God-knows-what. Our eyes wandered around the purple painted shop noticing the June sun slowly sinking behind the deep blue ocean reflecting its shimmery yellow light and causing us to squint our eyes as it glowed against the paved window.


Our sun-kissed tans were complimented with white tanks and shorts. Leo arrived the coffee shop and I couldn't resist the urge to run over and hug him. His body was unusually sweaty and I noticed his cheeks were red from too much sun. He told me that there was something I needed to see. Without even telling Katie, he grabbed my arm and pushed the wooden door open. He sprinted his usual jet speed with my arm still in his hand. His black hair shined in the summer sun. Finally we came to a stop. "Where are we?" I asked unsure where the heck he took me.


We were on a cliff probably one hundred feet above the rocks on the beach we were nearly two inches away from the very edge. "I have to tell you something." His normal joking voice was serious and his hand, still clutching my arm was shaking.


"Anything," I said, "shoot." I looked at his dull brown eyes and looked up at his chest which was covered in sweat which stained his olive green t-shirt. His pale skin was slimy and it was kind of grossing me out. I knew what he was going to say was going to change something, I just wasn't sure what.


He let go of his tight grip and looked me in the eyes. "I can't hide it any longer," he said with hesitation in his voice, "I think I love you." The way he said it so calm made me realize what he said about five seconds after. The shocking news almost made me want to cry. He had been my best guy friend for so long I couldn't picture us going out. He was like the brother I never had and the funniest guy ever. I knew after that day things were going to change for better or for worse. I wished he hadn't said it, even though it felt great, knowing someone out there loved me other than my family.


With my head spinning out of control, he tilted his head towards mine and his passionate brown eyes closed. His soft lips touched mine and then he kissed me. It was the first and best kiss I ever had. Fire works went off in my mind and bells rang in my ears. I was in love with my best friend after just one kiss. He backed away and looked me in the eyes. I was annoyed about how short the kiss was, I was expecting it to be longer. I leaned forward and kissed him harder and longer the same magic sensational feeling went off again. It felt like the last sliver of the sun was shining only for us, and the peaceful, soothing ocean sounds were crashing against the rocks to make the moment more special.


After that day, of course, we didn't talk anymore to each other. It was too awkward. We were no longer friends. I told him all my secrets and thoughts and he told me his. We shared laughs and cries and even scares. We spent holidays, summers and even vacations together. I felt as if I gave him my heart and he ripped it up. He left me heart broken. I never had a friend as good as him ever sine.


Sometimes I look down into the clouds to watch children running around and playing innocently. I think about their cluelessness and how naive they are. I remember being so young. I spent hours at a time each day playing barbies with my neighbor. I also had an obsession with hopscotch and handball. I was always the skinny athletic one when I was younger. I look back in mind to see myself in the front of my house with the whole neighborhood. We were all about ten years old except for James, the toddler of the block who wanted to be included in everything even things that were what we called "big kid" things. And there was Chloe, my next-door neighbor who I thought was my best friend. She was about six or seven years older than us and babysat me a lot. She had long flowy hair and pretty bedazzled eyes.


We spent every hour after school running around and playing sports or sometimes just sitting in a circle on this long grassy field near our street that had a very distinct smell of brine, flowers and pine. Due to the fact we lived very close to the ocean. Our favorite thing to do was play baseball. I was always the best player. No one ever spoke word of that but everyone was well aware of it. The best time to play was the winter because the icy cold weather made you feel shaky and energetic. The hot weather made you tired and want to relax. After school I would run inside the house drop my backpack off and run to the center of the coldisack to already find my neighbors in the middle of a game. Their school let out earlier than mine because I went to private school.


I seldom worried about school which later on became a problem. Especially for my parents. They didn't stress too much about anything else except for grades. Worst of all, I was actually really smart, my report card just didn't show it.


"You have no excuse," my mother would always say after being handed a test I did poorly on a report card filled with D's "your a smart girl. I wish I had been given the same opportunity to do well. My parents didn't even care." I hated when she'd say that.


There was nothing like running around the bases with your friends cheering you on. The feel of smacking the ball in the dead center and watching the effect on it, spinning shooting and catapulting in the air until it is so far it's not even within running distance. It was as if it was lost in the sky. And forever traveling. While the opposing team would be running until their legs just couldn't take it, they would stop and turn to see me already passing through first base. With the wind on my face and exhilaration in the pit of my stomach I would keep running. My hair was cut short back then because I thought it would be easier to deal with and I also didn't give much thought into my appearance. My skinny legs would carry me all the way to home plate and the team would cheer for me and we would celebrate by drinking soda on that field I told you about late at night.


I loved my neighborhood I had spent my life there until I turned 12 and moved to California everything changed. The summers in the south were hot and were spent at the beach with the salty winds and hot sand between our toes. We would spend summer nights catching fireflies or talking in a circle on the little field. As fast as our little jaws could move. The day I found out I was moving was the worst day of my life. I cried for hours and announced to my friends in our circle one night.


"I'm not going to live here anymore," I started while watching their blank expressions and confused tilted heads, "my family is moving to California."


The silence that followed was awkward and sad. None of us wanted to interrupt it, until finally Ethan did. He was year older than me. He had dark hair and blue eyes that were framed with glasses he also had these buck teeth that would bug you to death if you weren't used to him. When I was younger me and my friend Emma would chase him around the block shouting that would kiss him. We never actually did it but thought it was hilarious watching him run and hide in fear.


"You can't leave," were his only words at first then a few more followed, "who else is going to play baseball with us and tell stories on the field?"


"You have each other," I began and looked around the circle to see sad faces and a few tears, it was as if I had told them about a death.


We talked for a while about the things they would miss about me and me about them. I hated the idea of leaving home and I couldn't bear the thought of being away from them. My family. I hugged them individually and told them we sill had the rest of the summer together but it didn't make it any less upsetting. That was the last summer I spent a tom boy. My hair was shoulder length and my face was filled with freckles. I still had no boobs and skinny unshaved legs. My wardrobe wasn't very full, only a few T-shirts and jeans and shorts. I hated shopping and wouldn't dare wear a skirt or god-forbid a dress. My only shoes were these converse type things that were really old and beat up. They had holes and rips all over with neon laces that were now more of a dull green.


The rest of the summer was normal as ever. We played baseball everyday amongst the hot sun. We sweat but laughed and drank soda at night on the fields and talked. We talked until the black sky scattered with stars would lighten a little then we would run home and jump in our beds as if we had been asleep there the whole time.


Suddenly a cold wind awakes me from my flashback. I am still sitting on the cloud. The others around me are distant and I feel isolated and afraid. My legs and arms are covered in goose bumps. Out of no where I feel exhausted and want to fall asleep. Before I know it, my eyes are closed and my thoughts turn to dreams. It's been a while since I had actually gotten sleep. Living in hell makes it even harder. It's always cold.

Despite what people think, hell is not a hot dark place under the earth surrounded in fire. Its not a cave with unimaginable heat and god-awful chores that the devil makes you do while stabbing you with is pitch fork. It is actually quite the opposite. In a way it is worse. It is in a mystical world that I still haven't figured out exactly where it is located. You are trapped on a cloud with no one there. There is no way of escaping the cloud, you can't even stand up. And there is nothing to do. Bored all day. And to make things worse, it is freezing. There is no way to escape the cold. It is always windy and you don't get to wear very much clothing. You don't shower, eat or anything else normal people do except for sleep. Which is almost impossible to do because it is never dark. It is very bright sometimes so bright, you have to squint your eyes.

Keep in mind though, you only go to hell for doing horrible things. The only thing I find remotely interesting about it, is how you get to stick your head inside the cloud you live on and watch people down below. It keeps you entertained. But sometimes, makes you sad. But you have no control on what you are watching. If that were the case, I would only look after my family.

The bright colors and lights of the world shines my eyes until they water. It is no longer cold. It is then, I realize I had been dreaming. I awake again to find myself still on the cloud shivering and sleepy. That is another thing about this place, whatever you are dreaming about, or thinking, your thoughts become very realistic and you can picture them perfectly as if you are there.

I look above me to sparkly stars sprinkled all over the light blue sky. They look peaceful but out of place. Suddenly I have the urge to smile. It's been a long time since I have done so. And it feels good on my face.