March 5th 2010


Dear Diary,


I kept telling myself that I’m a good person yet guilt runs across mi face every time I talk to someone. The secret I hold in mi heart is so life draining. I have to endure living mi vida with lies spilling into every word I speak. Mi heart is a Mexicana midnight sky, cold and dark. The image I see in the mirror isn’t me; it’s an imposter that has entered mi body and stolen mi soul. I was once the greatest big sister caring for mi pequeña sister. I always had her back. And that’s it right there I always had her back living in her shadow. I had mix feelings about everything; I knew it was wrong. I hate myself for it. She was going to college before me with mi tuition. She had all her friends and even her boyfriend, which I kept a secret. She always did everything better than me. Papá sold her to man at a broken down building that is a brothel- house. I tried to make myself believe it wasn’t real. What we’d done was set in stone. I cannot erase it from mi mind. Mi familia acts as if she never existed. Of course everyone benefitted from selling her. No one even has enough courtesy to say her name every once in a while. I haven’t spent mi money yet only adding it to her college fund hoping she’d come back someday. She was so smart and I couldn’t imagine vida without her until now. I feel empty as if what happen wasn’t real. She’s still studying for exams and helping me understand mi homework. I’m so alone without anyone to care for. Her face right before I gave her mi last hug. Her ojos were a glassy dark brown with red bags under them as if she’d been crying. Her hair had been a mess and she held me so tight; I don’t think she was going to let go. I think she knew what we were going to do. The thing that hurts me the worst is that the last thing she has in her mind as she sits in a dark room alone is her big sister let this happen to her. Mi dear pequeña Marissa, sweet and quiet, can’t be with me anymore because of mi own mistake.

Love,
Martina Gómez