21/7/2008
9:45pm



I’m sitting at the table, you’re on the couch, and the house is a mess…sometimes I wonder how you can go so long without cleaning the place.
Glass on the floor, beer bottles and drug paraphernalia litter the coffee table… but that’s not why I’m here.
Hell, I don’t even know why I’m here…but I am, and it’s supposed to count.

“Gabriel..”

Your voice quivers, like a shaky knife through butter.
I look up at you.
Your hair is a mess, and your mascara stains your cheeks from last nights…whatever the hell it was.

“Gabe, I’m stuck..”

You’re on the verge of tears, and I can’t seem to move.

“You’re stuck where?”, I ask, my voice barely audible to me, but you manage to grasp it.

You move from your sitting position, onto your once beautiful legs.
You notice that I don’t move from the chair, and so you sit back down.

“I..I love you, Gabriel..”

Ah.
Those all to familiar three words, could have very well killed me then.
It stings, and I flinch.
You don’t notice, and so you continue.

“But..I don’t know what I’m doing..I can’t keep it straight, and I want to, I want to Gabe..I need you to help me…I need you to save me..”

Your words mean nothing to me, and I can help but utter a laugh.
I bring my hand up to my face, and pull it down slowly, almost wishing I could disappear. That when I open my eyes, all this would be gone, and I could be back at my place.
Where’s the girl I fell in love with….Where’d she go?

“What’s so funny?”

You ask, crestfallen.

“I can’t save you,”

Is what I find myself saying.
I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to turn you away, but I can’t play this game.

“What do you mean?”

Your voice breaks, and you choke back a sob.
You struggle to stand up again, and stay in your solid position this time.
Your eyes are bloodshot, and your clothes are soaked in blood, sweat, and vomit.
But, in all of this I can still see the reason why my heart yearns for you still.

“I can’t save you, no matter how hard I want to.”

You force a smile.

“You want to, right? So..then why can’t you? I don’t understand.”

You begin to walk towards me, and I watch you.
You sway a little bit, almost like you’ve forgotten how to walk.

“Because,”

I start,

“There’s nothing left to save..”

You freeze in your position. I can see that you still don’t understand, so I go to fill you in, when something catches my eye.
Cuts are scattered randomly across your wrist, and two to three holes are tucked under your elbow.
You follow my eyes, and you shyly smile.
But you make no attempt to hide anything.

“You’re still usuing..”

I point out, hardly surprised.
You shrug.

“What am I supposed to do? I mean –’’

“You can get help. There are hospitals and places for things like that,”

“That’s why I called you, Gabe, you can help me, I know you can,”

I stand up, and meet you in the middle of the floor.
Glass crunches under my boots, and you are noticeably thinner.

“ I can’t. The only person who can save you, is you.”

I look into your brown eyes.
There she is.
The girl I fell in love with..she’s in your eyes.

“No, I can’t!”

You’re pleading now, and I want to run away.

“I can’t do this Gabe…not without you…”

You throw your porcelain hands onto my chest, and your head follows shortly after.

“Don’t do this to me.”

It goes quiet for the moment I can’t find anything to say.

“How come you won’t hold me?”

You ask, after wrapping your fragile arms around me.
I can’t grasp the question..I can’t find the right answer.

“Huh? Why won’t you hold me?”

I look down at you, and your looking right back up at me.
I pull my arms back, and grab hold of yours, pulling off of me.

“Because holding you will only give you hope that I can do something we both know I can’t.”

I pull away from you, and you just stand there.

“I have to go,”

I tell you, turning away.
All is quiet as I walk, and it stays like that until I reach the door.

“Don’t go..”

It’s almost a plead, but I stop.

“You can stay. For the night, --not like that of course…but…”

You stop there, almost as if you don’t know what to say.
I look at my watch,
9:56
I look outside.
The rain is pouring hard.
Then, I look at you.
Your eyes are soft, like a liquid almost, and a smile is on your face, the smile I used to wake up to.

“For the night.”

I give in.
Your smile grows even bigger, and you cross your arms behind your back.

“Thank you.”




*


*

*


We sit and we talk, reminisce.
You offer me a beer, and I gladly accept.
Tonight doesn’t seem like such a bad idea, but I always seem to screw myself over with things like this.
You offer me another, and I accept again.
A second for you, soon turns to a third, then a fourth, a fifth….and so on…
I’m still nursing my second, when you pass out cold on the couch..
I can still remember when your nights with me first turned to nights like these..
Room-lit evenings, filled with nothing but your laughter, your giggles, your kisses, your love…
It’s been about an hour when I snap out of my daze, and realise that I can’t help but want you back.
I look over to where you’d fallen asleep, and notice that you’re gone.
I look over to the back balcony, and see you standing in the rain, white lines one the railing, and a joint in your hand.
Tears come to my eyes, and I can’t help but let them shed.
If you ask, I’ll blame it on the beer.
Thoughts come rushing to me, and I want so badly to scream!
I take the bottle in my hand, and throw it at the wall. It shatters, and the remaining liquid in the bottle slowly seeps down the wall.
I throw my head into my hand, and allow myself to sob.
I don’t care if you notice, if you don’t. I just need this now.
Everything in me pours out like a waterfall, and it won’t stop.
I can remember your touch, your kisses, your cries, your everything!

“Gabe?”

I can hear you walking into the living room, but I don’t move.

“Gabriel?”

You call again, worried this time. But you don’t rush over to me. You were always so cautious.
I don’t say a word, and just continue.
This bothers you, I know…But this is the only chance you’ll get at seeing what you’ve done to me…
I fall asleep in your arms, not a word is said, and for a second…everything is okay..