I started to shake uncontrollably. The blade in my hand shook too as I held it over my arm. Slowly, I lowered it until I felt the cool steel on my skin. Tears began to fall freely down my face making it difficult to see. I tried to gain control of my fingers, to steady them. I began to apply pressure. Softly first and then more strongly with each passing second. I watched transfixed as the knife penetrated my skin and blood began to drip out. Suddenly I lost it. Something in me snapped. My entire body shook as I willed my fingers to drop the blade. I didn’t hear it as it clattered to the ground. I was too busy watching the blood that had begun to trickle down my arm, slow as molasses. Clearly I hadn’t cut deep enough. I lost track of how long I sat there, watching the blood through my tears. I sat with my arms wrapped around me shaking uncontrollably. I knew then that I lost it. I needed serious help. I didn’t want to be doing this to myself. It was like a horrible demon had invaded my body and taken control of my mind. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I hated myself for this. I was a coward. This only made me cry harder. I looked in the mirror. The face looking back at me was that of a monster. I didn’t recognize myself. I sank back to the floor.
I don’t know how long I sat there. I couldn’t bring myself to get up.