TW// SUICIDAL IMAGERY, SEXUAL INNUENDOS

October 7th, 2014

“Hey.” Oregon emerged from the house. Both of his parents’ cars were gone. 

 “Come back over here. I just told him I was taking the trash out.” His little brother was inside, I could hear the TV blaring faintly from inside. Oregon gestured towards the ally. He led me over to the back of the ally, behind his house. He came up close to me and slowly pressed me against the house. He tugged at my shirt.

 “Can I try to give you a mark?” Relax Kennedy, this is what normal people do, I think. Is it? Do boyfriends normally want to give you hickies on your collarbone? I don’t know. I’ve never had one. A car drove through the alleyway. I looked away fearfully, praying they would continue to drive on. Thankfully, the people inside did not bother to glance at the scene. Oregon had spotted them too. He must have noticed the fear in my eyes, because he quickly insisted, 

“No one will see.” I nervously scanned the area. 

“Anybody could just drive through here. I’m nervous someone will see.” I admitted. He looked around one more time, before replying, 

“We can go in the garage, then. No one can see in there, okay? I promise.” His voice dripped with that innocence I had succumbed to countless times. And his eyes, the vivid grayish-blue that reminded me of an excited child. You don’t have to say yes, you can say no, Kennedy. He smiled his small little smile and quickly brushed his lips across mine. How can I say no? How could I risk losing the one person who cares about me? Still tense, I nodded. 

“Okay.” He opened the garage door and gently pulled me inside, to the corner of the garage. Around the corner, where no one would see. His hands brushed the bottom of my shirt.

“Can I lift your shirt?” Relax. I nodded again. I shuddered from the cold as he did so. 

“This isn’t making you nervous, is it?” he asked softly. I’m afraid you will leave if I don’t agree to your wishes. I shook my head. He ran his hand down my chest to my stomach. His hands felt soothing. Like they belonged there. My back tensed, my breath catching itself quickly. I couldn’t tell what I was feeling, it was all so new. Like I wanted him to keep going. It felt so safe but so barrier breaking at the same time. His fingers gripped the brim of my jeans.

 “Are you still okay?”

“Just don’t let anyone see.” He nodded and planted his lips on my collarbone. Butterflies filled my stomach. A wave of pleasure went through my body. He continued to kiss up my neck to my lips. He smiled again. 

“I love you to the moon and back.” 

I can’t be with you.

October 26th, 2015

The outside had cloaked itself in a heavy layer of snow; we all ran through it like children, because in a way we were still children, throwing snowballs at one another and tripping over the curbs, falling into the snow belly laughing. At that moment, there was not a care in the world except for each other, the chilly weather, and the doughnuts we had retrieved in the middle of the night. It was too good to be real, almost like a blur. We huddled up in the kitchen, emerged in the heat of the oven and the smell of pizza, softly nudging at the cats that were playfully dodging in between everyone’s feet. We all dispersed onto the sofas in the downstairs, playing video games, watching movies, drinking weird soda combinations and eating the warm pizza.     

Our parents thought negatively of us, assuming we were doing scandalous things, such as terrorism, being overly intimate, or doing illegal substances in the basement. They didn’t seem to understand, we were just a group of young adults, with the souls of young children, all sharing the same desires to summon happiness within them in this dark world.

 The quiet snores of our other friends were the only sound within the dark basement. This being said, while there was no engaging in sexual intimacy, it was on this night that I recited the phrase I had been so fearful of repeating ever again, as Wade and I lay on the sofa to sleep. I could see the sparkles in his eyes, the ones that only appeared when he looked at me. I loved his deep brown eyes.

“I love you.” His eyes lit up even more, as he pulled me into his arms closer.

“I love you too, my beautiful baby.”

Epilogue 

November 12th, 2015

Her tears fell fast and thick, the blood on her wrists ran faster and thicker. If only they had seen the signs, spread like bread crumbs, leading to her inevitable death. The trail that had started since she destroyed her relationship with her mother. It severed once she met and lost Oregon. Oregon had laid a much more severe impact on her life, but losing Wade, felt infinitely worse. Like it was tearing her insides apart. With Oregon, she stayed with him out of fear. Of what he would do to himself. Of what he would do to her. But everything seemed to be going just right with Wade. He made her feel safe, for the first time in 7 years. It was all a lie, she supposed. She should have seen this coming. Her grip tightened around the blade in her left hand, her right hand grasped her phone, as the same message ran through her head, over and over again. It didn’t feel real.

“I think you are a wonderful human being, I know it might be crappy but I think maybe we should split up. 

Nothing you did made me upset or annoyed, It’s not you it’s just me.

I don’t think I’m fully ready to be in a relationship, especially with all the stuff that’s happening.

I know I’m an butthole for not saying anything when you asked me those questions, but I didn’t want to hurt you like that in public.

Everything that happened at the sleepover, I was sleep deprived, it didn’t really mean anything to me. 

I don’t want you to hurt yourself, I don’t want anything to happen to you because I think you're still a good friend. 

I’m an awful person, and I’m sorry.

It’s fine if you want nothing to do with me, but I hope we can still be friends.

You never made me upset. You never made me uncomfortable. You never made me mad. I’m just not ready. And I’m sorry. Please don’t hurt yourself."

She had tried this time. She had really tried. Why couldn’t she be good enough? For Oregon? For her family? For Wade?  She was so tired...

The phone, lying on the tracks, stained from the blood of her wrists, besides her resting body, buzzed one more time.

“Are you going to be okay?”