Lin Zhang Wei woke up to a cup of bitter espresso. He was again dreaming about the days when his business was thriving. In this dream, he woke up to bright sunshine in his penthouse, and would enjoy a cup of sweet latte. He then had an online meeting with the managers and executives of his fast-growing company. It has been three years since his business first took off. He immediately became a model minority, with his popular company targeting the fashion-conscious young generation in China. 

Back then, Zhang Wei had also just formed a new family - a loving wife, with a soon-to-be born daughter in three months. Sometimes, he would be bothered with some early signs of the government strengthening its grip over the people. And yet, he was still optimistic about his prospects as well as that of the country where he resided. All too naively - he now thought to himself - he believed that governments were eventually to give in to people’s clamor for freedom. That was how it was in his country, Taiwan.

With the reminiscent thoughts fading away, Zhang Wei was again gripped with fear – a constant state that he has been living in, for almost a year now. The fear had to do with how his company was faring, and also with how he was feeling about things in general. Increasingly, there were stricter business regulations, and restrictions on freedom encroached on the lives of the members of his company. Last month, two more of the executives, the ones who were among the most innovative and smart, left, and their spots were soon filled in with members of the Chinese Communist Party; one was from the local branch and the other, from the headquarters in Beijing. All his efforts so far at “behaving well” to the party members and developing a “guan-xi,'' convenient political connection, proved meaningless; the party officials preferred the mainland companies over Taiwanese ones. His company has been slowly doing worse and worse, and was now overshadowed by the CCP-backed competitors. 

“Lai, sweetheart! I prepared your favorites for breakfast. Please have some!” 

Xiaolin’s shootings brought him back to his present. And yet, Zhang Wei kept crouching on his bed under his thick winter beddings, not willing to leave his comfort zone.

“Honey, please! At least for my efforts!”

Xiaolin’s voice took on a more pleading and a bit sharp tone. Surely, she should have apprehension. Throughout the time they were together since their college days, Wei was always the confident one, never even once having communicated about any of his worries or concerns regarding his work or profession. That was okay, up to now - now Xiaolin feared that, not being able to open up to such matters, maybe he had shut himself up; he could be in a situation that he could barely handle. Otherwise, why has he not been able to finish work, ever, dragging it for days? Why did he keep staring into the void, as if getting absorbed into the empty air? He barely ate properly, and was relying more and more on pills for falling asleep. 

“Really, Zhang Wei! What is wrong with you these days?” she shouted, as if trying to shake him out of his numb self. Where is the person that she always knew - the pride of his family, with his admirable, successful father who brought his son to be the same kind of hardworking, aspiring professional? Or the mother, a manager in an important government office, a strong person who raised three children? Sometimes she entertained the idea of consulting her parents-in-law about the situation, but it would have been out of the question for Zhang Wei to make his parents worried. It could bring up serious consequences, even for their marriage. 

She heard Zhang Wei’s voice coming through the hallway. 

“I know what is best for myself; what I need now is rest, not food!”

And yet, sluggishly, he raised himself up, unable to reject his wife’s gesture any longer. He saw, on the kitchen table, a steaming dish of freshly stir-fried tomatoes and eggs, and a bowl of chicken soup. His favorites, but in the end, he could not bring himself to eat it. He grabbed a glass of warm water for his pill to calm himself and get ready to work.

After the meeting was over, Zhang Wei’s phone began to ring. He had been weary of maintaining relationships with others due to his insecurity; so it was only with reluctance that he picked up the call. He smiled to find that it was his mother, calling from Taiwan. 

“Wei, how are you doing? Doing good as last time?”

Her voice was like a sudden, unlikely sunshine on a dejected street. Or a bright, singsong ‘hello’ to a patient. The warmth and happiness was so strange that Zhang hesitated. He had to answer this simple question on his well-being. Momentarily, he hesitated, whether to come out with the truth of the situation, for a change: ‘Should I be honest to my mother and tell her that I am under a huge pressure? Or should I continue to lie to her?’

He found himself stuck, wanting to tell the truth, and yet feeling like he hit a wall. He had a sense of uncertainty and apprehension of failing to meet his parents’ expectations, which will, he thought, undoubtedly make his loving parents less content. Could he really find a way to go around it and free himself to meet his parents in a bare, honest way? He struggled; he tried to fight. And yet, he found no way out .. just yet. 

Zhang Wei answered her in a feigned cheerful voice: “Yes, ma, I am doing great in China, and so is my family. Everything is the same since you called me last year.” 

The response was immediate. “Oh I’m so glad to hear that! Actually, I was a bit concerned over here. I read another newspaper from the Taipei Daily a week ago, they were telling us that the CCP is now treating the Taiwanese as equal subjects to the Chinese. But now, my heart is filled with joy and comfort. Alright then, take care, love!”

“You too, ma! Wan-an!”

The call ended briefly, like their typical calls. Zhang Wei sat on the bed, and found himself not being able to erase the guilt that he lied to his mother. All her ‘joy’ and ‘comfort’ were based on fabrication. On the other hand, he doubted if the whole scheme of what he called “white lies'' actually benefited both himself and his caring mother. His stress was accumulating and physical health deteriorating; how long could he continue to live in his world of lies? He went to bed that night exhausted from the straining of thinking and doubting. 

Next day, he woke up to an exceptionally severe headache. Groping for a glass of water and pills, Zhang Wei got himself seated in front of the computer. It was 8:00, still early for work, so he aimlessly scrolled down for the news page. Then he saw the headlines: ‘Jack Ma, CEO of Alibaba corp., Disappears after Allegations of Corruption - Xinhua News Agency.’ 

For a few minutes, Zhang Wei kept scrolling up and down the page, refreshing the website several times. He simply could not believe his eyes. Then it hit him: this disappearance, which he had to accept, was not the kind of occasional disappearances that he had forced himself to get used to. This time, he was the CEO of one of the biggest IT corporations in the world. He was completely numbed.

Slowly, it dawned on Zhang Wei that the government here would take action to quell any dissent, even jeopardizing its economy. How easy, then, it would be for them to take him and silence the public! Zhang Wei’s heart began to thump rapidly. His hands trembled.

Time passed without Zhang Wei ever entering the meeting. Warm sunlight slowly began to fill his room, as he continued to sit there. Slowly, his head cleared. A thought emerged - he could just leave behind this whole burdensome situation. He could simply return to Taiwan. There, freedom was respected, and he would be able to pursue a new life; he would be able to truly flesh out his abilities regardless of his ties to the authorities. 

Suddenly, all the stressful moments and the memory of physical suffering surged back to him. As he thought about all that, he regretted that he had ignored such an obvious solution. ‘What was my problem?’ he asked himself. He realized that it was all his groundless desire to satisfy his parents and prove his success, which had been the basis of him since teenage days. Images of himself listening attentively to his father, himself proudly being the valedictorian at highschool graduation, and his mother’s beaming smile at the news that he won a prestigious internship at Beijing, all fleeted in his mind in a few seconds. 

That evening, Zhang Wei put their daughter to bed and sat down with his wife. He carefully poured a cup of hot tea, and brought up the subject. 

“Honey, I’ve been thinking of the recent developments in this country and especially the disappearance of Jack Ma. I think we can’t stay here any longer.” 

He saw her to see that she was listening silently, her head bent. He continued. 

“As you know, I am very stressed. Also, I think it wouldn’t be beneficial to you or our kids to stay in this bird cage… So I suggest leaving Shanghai and moving back to Taiwan.”

She paused for a moment, and raised her head. She had been crying, but she was smiling in relief. 

“Yes, of course. We would be leaving behind so much, but I think we should not prioritize those over our freedom and well-being. I’m ready to leave anytime.”

Few weeks later, Zhang Wei was on the plane headed to his hometown with his wife and his daughter. As the plane took off, he looked outside the window. The breathtaking scenery of skyscrapers greeted him as memories in Shanghai, both good and bad, passed like a panorama for him. He slowly pulled down the window cover, and turned back to his smiling wife, and his daughter who was peacefully asleep, probably dreaming of her new life in Taiwan.