Ah, a new life, in a new country. I was thrilled about it. Years of working, gaining experience, experiencing emotions let me end up in Paris. I trusted that this move would be a Death Card in my life, a fresh start. There were piles of boxes I needed to unpack, though. I had to thank my friend Yoko for helping me ship these boxes. She moved to Paris during last year and was the reason I moved countries in the first place. I had no one back home, anyway.

I was postponing the unpacking process, but I eventually started to open them up. The first box was labelled as CLOTHES. The furniture was already set up beforehand, so all I needed to do was to place the items accordingly. The trunks named as CLOTHES and SHOES went into my closet, which I’d need to organise later. The big box labelled as BOOKS was right in front of me, so I decided to open that.

After I finished unpacking, a smaller box caught my attention. This little guy was lying there for a while now. There was something scribbled on it and it looked oldish. When I walked up to get it, I  read the the words THE LETTERS I WISH I WOULD’VE SENT YOU. The thing was, I didn’t remember having a such a box back home or any letters. A sudden curiosity awakened in me, tempting me to open the box. What if it was something dangerous? My curiosity didn’t care much.

When I opened it, all I saw was letters. A bunch of letters. Letters that I didn’t recognise at all. I picked one of them randomly and opened it up. The handwriting though, I recognised it. It was from the person I loved the most, the person I treasured the most and yet the person who made me feel the most hurt I’ve ever felt in my entire life. Him, who made me miserable for years, Louis, whom I still loved. We would send each other letters as a form of communication. The first letter that he sent me was an accident, because it wasn’t meant for me. It was meant for his sister, that studied in the same university as me, but somehow, I was the one who received it. That letter was very chaotic and I remember it really well.

Dear Lucy,

I’ve been meaning to write to you for a long time now. How are you? How are your lessons? Is university boring you? I hope you’re feeling well. Mother and Father told me to say “Hi” to you, in their names, so, hi, I guess. Everything around here is fine. Father bought a surprise bird for you, for your birthday in February. (sorry.) Anyway, they’ve been trying to train the bird, but all he’s been doing is to sh*t over the whole apartment. Please write to our parents and request another gift, or else, I am going to lose my mind. And my clothes, because the bird wants to take it out on my clothes as well. Also, Uncle Fez’s daughters, Stephanie and Lynn just crashed his new car! It is happening as I’m writing this letter, unbelievable isn’t it? Can I tell you a secret? I was the one to supply the girls with the keys to Uncle Fez’s car. He shouldn’t have vomited on my essay on our New Year’s Day family gathering. Anyway, See you on Christmas!

Yours sincerely,

Louis Jacob Hughes

The handwriting was the same as Louis’s. And I had replied with a letter that was as wicked as his.

Dear Louis,

Your story was really nice to read, made me feel less alone. Did you really give the car keys to Stevie and Lynn? You’re not acting like yourself. You should’ve put a dead animal in the car. The smell would be there for ages!

P.S. I won’t tell mum and dad to get me something else, and I’m really excited to see your new wardrobe, designed by The Bird.

Yours sincerely,

Jacqueline Thomas

After these letters, we started to write back and forth to each-other and as the seasons changed, we met each-other. Then we fell in love, lived together, and eventually decided to marry each-other. But nothing had ever gone according to the plan in my life, has it? He left me at the altar. I tried to reach out to him and I failed to do so. Years later I had moved here, trying to forget.

The letter I was holding in my hand, I decided to read it and face the past I had been avoiding for years.

My love,

If you are reading this, you should know that I’ll be dead, long gone.

Suddenly, my heart stopped beating.

I don’t know how to start this. I need to tell you something. I didn’t want to tell you this and upset you. But you deserve the truth.

I have been diagnosed with stage IV Blood Cancer. My doctor said I just had a few weeks left to live. I tried everything, but it seems to be incurable. I want to marry you, I do, but what’s the meaning of it if I’ll be dead after a few weeks? I’d only make you cry.

A tear slipped from my eyes, falling on the letter.

I think this better for you, me leaving your life. Please promise me that you’ll think about me every now and then, because wherever I go, I will be thinking about you constantly. Please remember me, don’t let me be a cold memory that you left in the attic. Dream of me, every now and then.

And know that I’ll always love you.

Yours always,

Louis.

My legs were shaking, I sat down as tears rushed down my face. He was…dead. The only person I had ever loved. All these years I’ve been living because I thought he was alive and that it was me, who f*cked up again, which I was used to, but no. The only person who understood me, my pain, who loved me despite my flaws, was long gone. Louis was dead.

The box had slipped from my hands and the letters were everywhere. I picked up a letter from the floor.

My love,

It’s only been a few days but I miss you very much. I think it’s because I know that I’ll never get to see you again. All of my unsent letters will be delivered to you at the right time, by my sister Renée. I want you to know that you were the stars to my skies, without you it’d be very dark. I feel closer to death as I’m writing this. Not because I’ll be six feet under in a few weeks. Because I’m not with you. I’m feeling really ill. Remember our first date? I gad bought you a bouquet of red roses and you looked more beautiful than ever. What about our first dance? Elvis’s Can’t Help Falling In Love With You played and we danced to it..It was going to be our dance song in our wedding as well…I am really sorry. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry. I know you will never forgive me, and I can’t do anything about it. Crazy how helpless we can get.

And suddenly I started to hear the song in the background, it played somewhere in my mind.

🎶…shall I stay

would it be a sin

if I can't help falling in love with you…🎶

I was on the floor, ruined. As I let out helpless sobs, I picked up yet another letter.

Hi, my love.

This is my last letter to you. I’m about to say goodbye to everything I’ve ever loved, with you being on the top. I love you, more than you could ever think of, more than a human mind can ever fathom, more than anything, I can’t explain it. My love for you is endless and know that I’ll never leave your side, even as a ghost, even in the afterlife, I’ll be watching over you. You know, I’d give my everything to see you for one last time, to kiss you, to feel you. Darling, I can never get enough of you, you are too well tangled in my soul… I’ll miss you. I’m sorry for everything I have ever done. I didn’t want to make you cry. And I’m sorry it had to end that way. I’m sorry it had to end. But we’ll be together in another lifetime. We’ll be together until forever falls apart.

Yours forever,

That was it. That was the end. He was dead. I wish I would smell his hair more. I wish I’d kiss him more. I wish I could hug him and take his smell in. But he was long gone.

After that day, in Paris, there was a dead body found in an apartment where Jackie lived. The woman looked exactly like Jackie, had Jackie’s clothes on her, had her passport and everything. The police figured that it was a suicide after reading the letters that had tear stains on them. Tears that the last box had caused.