“Wait, it costs money? How much?”

“Two dollars for students. You didn’t know?”

“No… sh*t I don’t have any cash with me.”

“You didn’t bring anything? Not even for food?”

“No!” I say bluntly, frustrated. I think about the diet I’m on and how I promised myself that I wouldn’t buy any junk food at the game, so I didn’t bring any money. “I’ve never had to pay before.”

“Oh, right,” Adam says. We shuffle forward as the line speeds up with a kick, people quickly handing the administrators their two dollars that they were expecting and moving forward. “Here, I’ll pay.”

“Are you sure?” I dig my sweaty palms into my jacket as a breeze rushes in.

“Yeah babe, I don’t mind.”

As we get to the front of the line, my freshman year biology teacher greets us with a smile, asking for our IDs. We flash our school-ordered pieces of plastic and Adam hands her a five dollar bill.

“You can keep the change.” He says with a smile. The lady smiles back.

Sweet Adam. Always good.

“Thanks.” I say.

We walk silently along the stands packed with people, mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers, and probably a grandparent or few. The late-October sky glows orange with the setting sun that refuses to contribute any more of its warmth to our cold bodies. We are met with a crowd of people milling about the space in between the bleachers and football field, moving back and forth towards their seats and the concessions. I watch Adam’s broad shoulders sway underneath his winter coat and follow him to the student section, where kids of all grades are dressed up in the school colors in support of the team. We sit at the front with the rest of the seniors, a coveted position earned from years of sitting in the back.

“Okay, Ash, what’s wrong?” He suddenly says, as we get as comfortable as we can on the cold metal.

“What? Nothing.” I say.

“Something’s obviously wrong. You’re acting all weird and you have been all day. Like at lunch you barely even talked. And now you’re so quiet and…” I look at my feet and fold my hands between my thighs. “Look, I know this is your first year missing football season with the dance team, but you can’t let that get you down! You gotta look at the bright side of things! Have fun! This is your first time sitting in the senior section! That’s cool, don’t you think so?”

He flashes his perfect teeth and looks in my eyes. I remember when such a smile would make me melt in an instant.

“You’re right,” I lie, “I will have a good time. I will.” I fake a grin back and it seems enough to satisfy him, whether he thinks it's real or not.

“How does it feel, by the way?” he says, gesturing down to my left ankle. Even though it’s out of the brace, it still throbs in the cold sometimes, or when I’ve been walking on it too long.

“It's fine, it doesn’t hurt too bad today.” I say.

“It’s so stupid that they wouldn’t let you join this season! I mean you would’ve missed like half of it but then you could go back in fine!”

“They wouldn’t let me join halfway through, it wouldn’t be fair to the girls that have been working hard for their place on the team the whole season.” I say, repeating the words I’ve practiced over and over in order to convince myself of the practicality of the situation. But I still won’t believe it. “I guess the worst part is that, since tonight is the homecoming game, there's a huge slumber party at Katy’s house and it’s always so much fun. But, I don’t think I’ll get invited.” 

My eyes drift off to the far left side of the field, as someone comes over the loudspeaker and introduces the girls dance and cheer teams. They run and skip out with the cheers of the crowds, performing cartwheels and flips, waving their pom poms and smiling bright. My heart aches as I remember how Katy and I would run side by side with our arms locked, soaking in the sting of the cool air on our bare legs. The football team follows but I couldn’t care less.

“Hey,” Adam says, as the noise dies down and people start to settle in, “even if you don’t get invited, it doesn’t matter.”

“You think I won’t get invited?”

“No, that’s not what I’m saying. What I’m saying is–”

“I get it. But it does matter. It already feels like I’m kicked out of the group. Because I don’t go to practice anymore I’m never caught up on what’s going on. Like Riley will say something about it and everyone’ll laugh and I won’t even know what they’re talking about. And I don’t go with them to get ice cream on Wednesdays anymore, I don’t get the pre-game warmups in the cold anymore, I don’t get to be in the team group chat anymore, and if I don’t go to the sleepover it’s like I’m not even there!”

Adam takes a deep breath in and leans over his legs, staring out into the field.

“Ash, I really thought you were over that.”

“Well, I’m not.”

I unzip my coat, as the heat starts to rise underneath my sweater.

“Look, I just like… I’ll be fine once the season is over. Okay? I’m just upset right now,jk but I’ll get over it.”

He turns to me, softens his face, and nods. I smile a stiff smile and he wraps his arm around me. It feels suffocating but I guess it’s fine.

As the night goes on, our team suffers a hopeless defeat, but we never stop screaming for them. We watch as the large electronic scoreboard ticks up points for the other team and maintains our static. Eventually, the halftime show begins and the sun is completely gone, the field being lit up by grand floodlights for the dance team–my team.

The crowd goes silent for only a minute before the music starts up, some random electro-pop song from probably at least five years ago. It sounds awkward and the girls look so small from here. I look around and watch as students go on their phone, or turn to talk to their friends, completely ignoring them.

“I never knew no one really cared about the halftime show.” I say.

“Well that’s not true,” Adam says. “A lot of people watch it.”

“I mean, no one really cares about the dance team,” I laugh, cynically. “I bet we all looked so stupid from here, huh?”

Adam gives me a look.

I look away from his face to hide the shame on my own.

“Just because you can’t have it doesn’t mean you get to ruin it for everyone else.”

“I’m not, I’m just saying–”

“No, Ash, you just can’t handle how people are still able to enjoy it and you can’t. You choose to isolate yourself from it, I mean, they invited you to senior night and you didn’t even go!”

“Because I felt like I wouldn’t belong! I mean, I’m not even dancing this year, it wouldn’t be right for me to go!”

“Yeah, but they are giving you opportunities to be involved and you’re not even taking them. And then all you do is complain about it. Really, I’m kind of sick of it.”

My eyes burn and my ankle aches.

“I’m just gonna go.”

I stand up, bumping into a few people around me, apologizing quietly and hiding my face. He doesn’t even try to stop me.

I stomp down the bleacher steps and begin walking back the way I came.

“Hey! Ashley!”

I turn around and see Katy standing, red faced, on the other side of the fence that separates the field from the bleachers. Her eyes are bright and she pants, having just finished the halftime performance. Her body is alive and I bet she can’t even feel the cold. It makes me jealous.

“Hey, Kay!” I say, feigning delight.

“Did you see us? How did we do?”

“Really good! It was great!”

“Really? Awesome. So how’re you? How’s your first game?”

“It’s good, I guess I just wish I was with you guys.”

“Aww,” her expression looks genuinely sad for me, “I wish you were with us too. Seriously. But you’re coming over tonight, right?”

“What?”

“My house? Tonight? Don’t you remember?”

I stare at her blankly for probably a second too long.

“I just didn’t know I was invited, I guess.”

“What? You’re always invited! Even if you’re not on the team you’re like, still a part of us.”

For just a moment, the wind blows in my face and I feel as if it had kicked the air out of my lungs. Part of me wants to yell at her.

“Awesome. Great. Well that's good.”

“So you’ll be there?”

I flash my eyes back to the stand and pick out Adam, staring me down.

“Actually, my mom had me do this volunteer thing tonight for church, so I’ll be busy until like 10. But maybe afterwards I’ll try to stop by!”

Katy purses her lips and looks at me deep. I try to tell myself that she doesn’t know that I’m lying, and even if she did, she can’t question me. She has no reason to think that it isn’t the truth.

“Okay. Well, you better stop by if you’re not too tired. We’ll be up late, so just pop in any time!”

“Totally.”

“Okay, well, I gotta go back to the team. I’ll see you later, ‘kay?”

“‘Kay.” I wave and watch her skip back to the girls sitting on the sidelines.

I move back towards the bleachers, my feet almost floating as I feel detached from reality. I guess it would be childish for me to just leave Adam at the game like that, and I feel embarrassed for going in the first place. When I sit down next to him, in the space he saved while I was gone, the second half of the game picks up again.

“What did Katy say?” He asks.

I look at him. “She said that all the girls still care about me and all, but they don’t think I should go, just because it’s like a team thing. And it would be kinda weird for someone not on the team to be able to go. Like it wouldn’t be fair.”

“Aw, I’m sorry, Ash.” He pulls me in again and it’s almost like he knows that if he didn’t, I’d just keep running.